Cali Decree 2039.7: Johnny Cattails
Posted: Tue Jul 09, 2019 1:57 pm
SAI -- Welcome to the Cali Decree. I'm your host Sai "Young" Ahuji, and with me, as always, is the foul scent of a mule, Aarav "the Mad Pope of Mumbai" Patil.
AARAV -- The foul scent of what?
SAI -- Today's episode is a special draft day edition covering all the buildup for this year's Brewster Baseball Association draft. The Crusaders hold the 30th pick in the first round along with a compensatory 1st rounder at 36th overall. What will new General Manager Shoeless and his cronies look to add through the draft, Aarav?
AARAV -- With no track record and no outright declaration of team strategy, this draft could tell us a lot about where Shoeless looks to point the Crusader army for years to come.
SAI -- You're right. Anything ... [puts finger to his ear piece] ... Sorry, folks. I'm getting word from our top unpaid intern, Wasim Jeffers Jr., of a breaking story. Wasim, what do you have for us?
WASIM -- [on location] I've only just gotten to the scene here in Yazoo City, Mississippi, of what appears to be some kind of hostage situation outside what is rumored to be the home of a prospect in this year's draft.
SAI -- Hostage situation? Do we know who's inside?
WASIM -- I am only able to speculate using the calendar I hacked from GM Shoeless' computer, but I believe GM Shoeless had an appointment at this residence scheduled for this time.
SAI -- Do we know who's residence this is?
WASIM -- I don't have confirmation, but several neighbors stated middling outfield prospect, John Smith, lives in this broken down excuse for a home with his mother.
SAI -- John Smith? Sounds made up.
WASIM -- I have Smith's next door neighbor, Cinnamon ... [turns to neighbor] ... I didn't get your last name.
NEIGHBOR -- I don't have a last name.
WASIM -- Oh? Oh. [looks over the red-haired woman who may at one time been attractive but now best resembles an abandoned and weathered catcher's mitt] Cinnamon, what can you tell us about John Smith?
NEIGHBOR -- I've lived here for 15 years and I've never once spoken to that boy or his mother. They just stand on that broken down porch of theirs and stare out at everyone with that hollow look and freakish grin. I was talking to Richard once. He lives on the other side of them wackos. Anyway, he said he tried bringing them some tomatoes from his garden one year, and they just turned around and walked back in their house. The next day, Richard said all three of his cats were missing their tails.
WASIM -- Their tails?
CINNAMON -- Yeah, and then he said he saw the boy had sewn them together and was wearing them as a necklace. Richard called the cops but they didn't do nothin'. That's when we all started calling the boy, Johnny Cattails. He and his mother just give me the creeps.
WASIM -- Everyone, hold up! There looks to be a man coming out of the house [camera scans the broken down home and focuses on a disheveled Shoeless walking down the steps of the porch] It's GM Shoeless! He's mumbling something. I can't quite make it out.
SAI -- Get closer!
WASIM -- [scrambles past several SWAT team members towards Shoeless] He's just mumbling... I can't quite understand ... He's mumbling, "no charges, no charges."
SAI -- No charges?
WASIM -- He looks pale as a ghost. He's like a shell. Jesus, what happened to that man?
AARAV -- Well, you have to give it to creepy Johnny Cattails. He certainly has a great work ethic to destroy the psyche of a man so thoroughly.
SAI -- Good god, Aarav. Shoeless could have been killed.
AARAV -- Who cares? The real story is if we'll be seeing ole' Cattails patrolling right field at South Pacific Park?
SAI -- Really, Aarav? God, I hope not. Well, this has been another episode of the Cali Decree. We'll be seeing you at the ballpark.
AARAV -- The foul scent of what?
SAI -- Today's episode is a special draft day edition covering all the buildup for this year's Brewster Baseball Association draft. The Crusaders hold the 30th pick in the first round along with a compensatory 1st rounder at 36th overall. What will new General Manager Shoeless and his cronies look to add through the draft, Aarav?
AARAV -- With no track record and no outright declaration of team strategy, this draft could tell us a lot about where Shoeless looks to point the Crusader army for years to come.
SAI -- You're right. Anything ... [puts finger to his ear piece] ... Sorry, folks. I'm getting word from our top unpaid intern, Wasim Jeffers Jr., of a breaking story. Wasim, what do you have for us?
WASIM -- [on location] I've only just gotten to the scene here in Yazoo City, Mississippi, of what appears to be some kind of hostage situation outside what is rumored to be the home of a prospect in this year's draft.
SAI -- Hostage situation? Do we know who's inside?
WASIM -- I am only able to speculate using the calendar I hacked from GM Shoeless' computer, but I believe GM Shoeless had an appointment at this residence scheduled for this time.
SAI -- Do we know who's residence this is?
WASIM -- I don't have confirmation, but several neighbors stated middling outfield prospect, John Smith, lives in this broken down excuse for a home with his mother.
SAI -- John Smith? Sounds made up.
WASIM -- I have Smith's next door neighbor, Cinnamon ... [turns to neighbor] ... I didn't get your last name.
NEIGHBOR -- I don't have a last name.
WASIM -- Oh? Oh. [looks over the red-haired woman who may at one time been attractive but now best resembles an abandoned and weathered catcher's mitt] Cinnamon, what can you tell us about John Smith?
NEIGHBOR -- I've lived here for 15 years and I've never once spoken to that boy or his mother. They just stand on that broken down porch of theirs and stare out at everyone with that hollow look and freakish grin. I was talking to Richard once. He lives on the other side of them wackos. Anyway, he said he tried bringing them some tomatoes from his garden one year, and they just turned around and walked back in their house. The next day, Richard said all three of his cats were missing their tails.
WASIM -- Their tails?
CINNAMON -- Yeah, and then he said he saw the boy had sewn them together and was wearing them as a necklace. Richard called the cops but they didn't do nothin'. That's when we all started calling the boy, Johnny Cattails. He and his mother just give me the creeps.
WASIM -- Everyone, hold up! There looks to be a man coming out of the house [camera scans the broken down home and focuses on a disheveled Shoeless walking down the steps of the porch] It's GM Shoeless! He's mumbling something. I can't quite make it out.
SAI -- Get closer!
WASIM -- [scrambles past several SWAT team members towards Shoeless] He's just mumbling... I can't quite understand ... He's mumbling, "no charges, no charges."
SAI -- No charges?
WASIM -- He looks pale as a ghost. He's like a shell. Jesus, what happened to that man?
AARAV -- Well, you have to give it to creepy Johnny Cattails. He certainly has a great work ethic to destroy the psyche of a man so thoroughly.
SAI -- Good god, Aarav. Shoeless could have been killed.
AARAV -- Who cares? The real story is if we'll be seeing ole' Cattails patrolling right field at South Pacific Park?
SAI -- Really, Aarav? God, I hope not. Well, this has been another episode of the Cali Decree. We'll be seeing you at the ballpark.