MAJOR AWARD ARRIVES AT UTOPIA FIELD
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- RonCo
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MAJOR AWARD ARRIVES AT UTOPIA FIELD
So my wife wakes up this morning and notices there’s a package outside our door. This is a very important skill of hers, noticing. I don’t notice much, after all. If it were just me, Brett could deliver all the packages in the world and they would just pile up in front of my door until I couldn’t get outside—which, apparently is all the rage these day. Go figure.
But I digress.
“You’ve got a package,” she says.
“Hmmm,” I reply.
“Do you know what it is?”
It strikes me that, yes, I do actually know what it is but I don’t want to deprive her of the moment that’s coming, so I just say “yes” and move on.
Not one to leave well enough alone because, well, she's a normal human being, my wife continues the conversation in the expected way.
“What is it?” she asks.
“You’ll have to open it to find out.”
Yes, I’m that good at this game.
So she goes to cut the box open, and as she’s doing so it becomes clear she’s a little put-off by my incredibly sexy coyness. “It’s an internationally prestigious award,” I say, trying to placate her. apparently this works to little avail, but it makes me giggle inside, so what the heck, right? She married me. It's almost like she's stuck with me, and let's face it, she knew what she was getting into.
The box opens and there’s another box, which I then open to reveal the indescribably beautiful thing inside.
My wife, duly impressed, takes a picture and texts it to my beautiful daughter.
I sense that they are not as excited or impressed as one might expect.
Indeed, a few minutes later, my beautiful daughter, for whom I have sacrificed for and doted on for all of her life, texts me the following.
To which, I reply:
Because I’m a grown up, god dammit, and I can do what I want. It also happens that I am eating lunch that includes sliced grapefruit at the time. (You can’t make this up, am I right?) Who am I to mess with the gods? I text her my slices, just for completeness, you know?
In the meantime, my wise son-in-law is busy doing triage.
To which he then replies:
Now, you know, us guys who are fathers of daughters can be forgiven occasionally getting into that fake passive aggressive bullshit about protecting daughters or whatnot, but putting aside the fact that she’s a big girl and she knows I’ll always be there, I think we can all agree that she’s done a helluva job picking out guys, right?
Not to be outdone, I shoot back (see what I did there? “Shoot” “Shot”??? Don’t try this at home boys, only professional writers can pull that kind of intensely brilliant wordplay out of our keisters when we need to)…anyway…
In the meantime, the Yellow Springs Nine used opening week to unveil the delivery this Major Award in its true size, with the GM doing the presenting.
But I digress.
“You’ve got a package,” she says.
“Hmmm,” I reply.
“Do you know what it is?”
It strikes me that, yes, I do actually know what it is but I don’t want to deprive her of the moment that’s coming, so I just say “yes” and move on.
Not one to leave well enough alone because, well, she's a normal human being, my wife continues the conversation in the expected way.
“What is it?” she asks.
“You’ll have to open it to find out.”
Yes, I’m that good at this game.
So she goes to cut the box open, and as she’s doing so it becomes clear she’s a little put-off by my incredibly sexy coyness. “It’s an internationally prestigious award,” I say, trying to placate her. apparently this works to little avail, but it makes me giggle inside, so what the heck, right? She married me. It's almost like she's stuck with me, and let's face it, she knew what she was getting into.
The box opens and there’s another box, which I then open to reveal the indescribably beautiful thing inside.
My wife, duly impressed, takes a picture and texts it to my beautiful daughter.
I sense that they are not as excited or impressed as one might expect.
Indeed, a few minutes later, my beautiful daughter, for whom I have sacrificed for and doted on for all of her life, texts me the following.
To which, I reply:
Because I’m a grown up, god dammit, and I can do what I want. It also happens that I am eating lunch that includes sliced grapefruit at the time. (You can’t make this up, am I right?) Who am I to mess with the gods? I text her my slices, just for completeness, you know?
In the meantime, my wise son-in-law is busy doing triage.
To which he then replies:
Now, you know, us guys who are fathers of daughters can be forgiven occasionally getting into that fake passive aggressive bullshit about protecting daughters or whatnot, but putting aside the fact that she’s a big girl and she knows I’ll always be there, I think we can all agree that she’s done a helluva job picking out guys, right?
Not to be outdone, I shoot back (see what I did there? “Shoot” “Shot”??? Don’t try this at home boys, only professional writers can pull that kind of intensely brilliant wordplay out of our keisters when we need to)…anyway…
In the meantime, the Yellow Springs Nine used opening week to unveil the delivery this Major Award in its true size, with the GM doing the presenting.
- aaronweiner
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Re: MAJOR AWARD ARRIVES AT UTOPIA FIELD
You know, I had toast this morning. I'm dedicating that toast to this piece.
- Rubaboo
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Re: MAJOR AWARD ARRIVES AT UTOPIA FIELD
A real life story about the 'Ron Collins Honorary Landis Participation Trophy'. Awesome stuff. Made my wife read it, she would get along with your wife. We should make sure they never meet...
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Re: MAJOR AWARD ARRIVES AT UTOPIA FIELD
Brilliant!
The shots were an excellent idea. I’m agnostic on the grapefruit slices, though.
The shots were an excellent idea. I’m agnostic on the grapefruit slices, though.
- RonCo
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Re: MAJOR AWARD ARRIVES AT UTOPIA FIELD
They grow on a tree outside my back door. If they shut down the grocery stores, I can still at least eat for a month or more.
- HoosierVic
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Re: MAJOR AWARD ARRIVES AT UTOPIA FIELD
There is one problem with that scenario, though: it necessitates the consumption of grapefruit.
- Dington
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Re: MAJOR AWARD ARRIVES AT UTOPIA FIELD
This is amazing. For the time being, I'm keeping this as a secret from my wife. When we were dating, she was seriously close to breaking up with me because I told her that I played Dungeons and Dragons for a very short while. Mind you, we played as an excuse to drink, but nonetheless, it freaked her out. Apparently, she thought I did cosplay or something and was some sort of extremist. So yeah, "ootie pootie" (OOTP) as she calls it, will be limited to micro amounts of single player to kill time as far as she knows.
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Re: MAJOR AWARD ARRIVES AT UTOPIA FIELD
This was fantastic. I showed my wife who thought it was quite humorous but asked me why I didn't have any participation trophies and asked if I always finished in last.
- CTBrewCrew
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Re: MAJOR AWARD ARRIVES AT UTOPIA FIELD
LMAO - I had to show my wife.... <Insert her eye-roll>. This is awesome! I will have a shot for you also Ron!
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Re: MAJOR AWARD ARRIVES AT UTOPIA FIELD
I try not to mention my BBA participation too much. Luckily it will be a while before I have to worry about any participation trophies showing up at the door.
Brett "The Brain" Golden
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Re: MAJOR AWARD ARRIVES AT UTOPIA FIELD
my wife only knows this as the "super nerd fake baseball league".
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Re: MAJOR AWARD ARRIVES AT UTOPIA FIELD
Pfft. Our wives can pretend like they think it's funny we play fake baseball on the interwebs with other grown men, but, deep down, they know how lucky they are to be with such unbridled masculinity. Only men of character, wit, and persistence can withstand the pressures of an online OOTP league. We are the fittest of men.
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Re: MAJOR AWARD ARRIVES AT UTOPIA FIELD
Never change my friend. Never change.shoeless.db wrote: ↑Tue Mar 31, 2020 12:41 pmPfft. Our wives can pretend like they think it's funny we play fake baseball on the interwebs with other grown men, but, deep down, they know how lucky they are to be with such unbridled masculinity. Only men of character, wit, and persistence can withstand the pressures of an online OOTP league. We are the fittest of men.
GM Vancouver Mounties
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Re: MAJOR AWARD ARRIVES AT UTOPIA FIELD
How many glasses of wine has your wife had shoeless?shoeless.db wrote: ↑Tue Mar 31, 2020 12:41 pmPfft. Our wives can pretend like they think it's funny we play fake baseball on the interwebs with other grown men, but, deep down, they know how lucky they are to be with such unbridled masculinity. Only men of character, wit, and persistence can withstand the pressures of an online OOTP league. We are the fittest of men.
Randy Weigand
Havana Sugar Kings/San Fernando Bears: 32-50 (1608-1481)
Des Moines Kernels: 52-
League Champion- 34
JL Champion- 34
FL Champion- 36, 37
JL Southern- 34
FL Pacific- 37, 39
Wild Card- 33, 35, 36, 40, 43
Havana Sugar Kings/San Fernando Bears: 32-50 (1608-1481)
Des Moines Kernels: 52-
League Champion- 34
JL Champion- 34
FL Champion- 36, 37
JL Southern- 34
FL Pacific- 37, 39
Wild Card- 33, 35, 36, 40, 43
- bcslouck
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Re: MAJOR AWARD ARRIVES AT UTOPIA FIELD
Ron, you can't just put up statues and banners covering up the name at my park, OLD BAY Park at Camden Yards.
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Re: MAJOR AWARD ARRIVES AT UTOPIA FIELD
Had my wife read this whole thread. Good stuff gents!
My wife has endured my obsession with online baseball the full 17 years of our marriage.
My wife has endured my obsession with online baseball the full 17 years of our marriage.
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Re: MAJOR AWARD ARRIVES AT UTOPIA FIELD
I'm confused why this is referred to as a "fake baseball league." Don't your wife and daughter know the truth?
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