Local Law Enforcement officials were tight-lipped about a horrific scene found behind a Yellow Springs “skyscraper” this evening, the image of six bodies of what are to be presumed to be YS9 fans, each decked out in Crash LaLoosh jerseys and were found splattered across the cracked surface of a dreamless, deathful alley. While officials aren’t speculating on rumors that the group was related to the Nine or the Talons signing of their star pitcher, several friends of the deceased have pointed out that social media the sextet left behind suggest that the group called themselves the Crash Mash, and that they left behind posts and videos that suggested they were distraught with the signing and talked about taking something called the LaLoosh Leap.
“Who wants to live in a world without LaLoosh?” one post said.
Presumption here is that they all leapt from the 8-story building (which houses a laundromat and “Tilly’s Sports Bar.” A memorial is being held as we type.
No letter or other direct notice has been found at this time, but witnesses say that the roof of the building includes a potted Cactus with several meat cleavers stuck into it and sharpie marks that read something that might be “Blivet, We Hate Phoenix.”
Neither LaLoosh, nor the team had any response to this news except to say that they would be monitoring the situation, and that they hoped the next fan club would be named something like “Three Picks and Wait Till Next Year.”
