2040.2: Spoon Licker...

GM: Fred Holmes

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2040.2: Spoon Licker...

Post by Rubaboo » Tue Oct 01, 2019 11:16 am

Ugh, this is the worst part of this job...

I'm thinking this to myself toward the end of a press conference on the eve of the regular season. The same canned responses to the same canned questions about roster spots and opening day starters and trades reportedly in the works that never actually are. The Mei injury has given the vultures some new material, but after covering that and our limited offseason action, we're all going through the motions, eyes half glazed over, thinking about moving on to the next part of our days. Then, out of nowhere, a bomb drops as our media director calls for a question from a young, female reporter:

"Mr. Holmes; do you have any response to the recent comments by Las Vegas GM Brett Schroeder in which he refers to you as, I quote, a 'Pickle Smoocher' and a 'Wanker'?"

What the actual fuck?

I blink in surprise and sit in stunned silence for a brief moment that feels like an eternity.

Brett just got back into the league after taking his ball away and running to the UMEBA for however many seasons, now he's gonna come back and start flinging shit at me like a damn chimp? What the actual fuck?

The reporter pool has, in the brief moment of my internal reflection, sensed my very slight hesitation and the entire room springs on me like a pack of hyenas on a wounded gazelle.

"Do you have a response to Schroeder?" "You have a history with Brett, what does this do to your personal and professional relationship?" "Do you prefer big pickles, or small ones?" "Bumpy or smooth?" "What is the story behind the name calling?" "What do you think is the purpose of Schroeder's name calling?"

A million voices, a million questions, all condensed into 12 seconds of pure, frenzied, chaos.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

My media director screams for silence, and eventually the dogs stop braying. He asks me if I want to continue. I clear my throat and tell him it's fine. The female reporter stands with her recorder running, waiting. She follows up her question: "Surely you've heard about this before now?"

I cock my head and look questioningly at her, "The day I get my league news from the BNN is the last day I'll be employed as a GM in this league. No, I haven't heard about it at all. And, frankly, I have no particular interest in getting into a war of words through the media with a semi-disgraced GM of an average team, division rival or not. I know we've gotten some real... interesting characters from the UMEBA over the last few years, but I don't see any crap being lobbed out of Chicago or California. Even that goofball in Boise can talk for 6 seconds without dragging someone else through the mud. I've known Brett a long time and, quite frankly, I'm pretty disappointed with this kind of garbage coming out of him. I thought he was better than this."

Ugh, the media. What a bunch of snakes. Then again...

As the pool digests this soundbite in relative silence, a smirk sneaks onto my lips. I know how I plan to respond. "If Brett wants to go about handing out nicknames, feel free to ask him why a few people feel it appropriate to call him "Honey Boo-Boo Sparkle Pants". Or ask him how he got tagged as "Big Boy" in a few areas in Madison. See how willing he is to talk about nicknames then..."

The pool again surges forward as all the voices merge into a single calamitous uproar. I smile and simply say, "No further questions, thanks. Have a good day," before standing up and leaving them to their chaos. As I walk off the podium platform I can't help but chuckle to myself, thinking:

Your move, Schroeder. If you stir the shit pot, you have to be ready to lick the spoon.
Fred Holmes
General Manager
Mexico City Aztecs - BBA

BBA Champs - 2052
JL Champs - 2027, 2052
JL MW Champs - 2022, 2023, 2024, 2027
JL Sun Belt Champs - 2035, 2036, 2038
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JL Manager of the Year - 2023, 2024, 2026, 2052

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Re: 2040.2: Spoon Licker...

Post by handaspencer » Tue Oct 01, 2019 3:01 pm

That is some big news for sure out of Mexico City

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Re: 2040.2: Spoon Licker...

Post by shoeless.db » Tue Oct 01, 2019 6:25 pm

It’s too bad Overkill has such a poor demeanor. The other former UMEBA GMs in this league are a dignified and respectful group.
Sacramento Mad Popes (unretired)
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Re: 2040.2: Spoon Licker...

Post by bschr682 » Tue Oct 01, 2019 7:56 pm

Hah. Excellent
GM Vancouver Mounties

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Re: 2040.2: Spoon Licker...

Post by HoosierVic » Tue Oct 08, 2019 4:14 pm

Characters? From the UMEBA? Hey, watch it. I resemble that remark!

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