...the power of Christ Compels you...the power of Christ compels you...
Folks, I’ve been watching Wolves baseball since before most of you were tall enough to reach the snack counter, and I can tell you this much: whatever holy water we sprinkled on this team in April has fully evaporated. We are dryer than a communion wafer in July.
We’ve gone 2-11 in the last two SIMs — or whatever that rectangle-clickin’ fella calls ’em — and honey, it SHOWS.
We’re sittin’ at 20-23, seventh place in the Heartland, lookin’ up at literally everyone except Yellow Springs, and honestly I wouldn’t talk too loud around them either.
At home? 8-12.
On the road? Only slightly less tragic at 12-11.
Last 10 games? 1-9. One. And. Nine.
That’s not baseball — that’s a cry for help.
Now let’s talk numbers, because they sure are talkin’ back:
Offense:
We’re 11th (AVG), 12th (OBP), 11th SLG), 11th (OBPS)… it’s like we’re allergic to being average.
Home runs? 15th. That’s last, sugar.
The only thing we hit with authority is the “submit lineup” button.
Strikeouts: We’re third in the league… which would be great if we were the ones doing the striking out, but no — that’s US swinging like blindfolded toddlers at a birthday party. At this point I don't even know if lower is better!
Pitching?
I’d say bless their hearts but at this point it’d be a waste of a blessing.
Starters’ ERA: 5.43 — dead last.
We give up home runs like we’re handing out raffle tickets at the church picnic.
BABIP .303? So every bloop, dribbler, and sad excuse for contact magically turns into a hit against us. I swear, I’ve seen better luck from people playing bingo with missing cards.
So yes, congregation, let’s join hands and pray, because the Wolves need a miracle, an exorcism, and maybe a new pitching staff, not necessarily in that order.
Amen. -- Gertie
