holy sh**!!
And they didn’t just sneak in there either. Oh no.
They came roaring out like they’d found out the league office misplaced their stadium deposit slip and they needed to win games to keep the lights on.
Let’s review this little miracle before someone wakes up and realizes the Wolves are behaving like a real baseball team.
APRIL 1 — WOLVES 11, CHICAGO 4
Attendance: 49,770
A proper opening day whoopin’. Half the city showed up because they thought it was an April Fool’s joke. Turns out the only foolish ones were the Black Sox.
APRIL 2 — WOLVES 7, CHICAGO 2
Attendance: 19,654
It was 37 FREAKIN’ DEGREES with an 11 MPH wind blasting straight into Shotz Stadium. I don’t blame folks for staying home. I barely went myself, and only because one of my associates told me we left a burner phone taped under seat 12C last season.
The Wolves still won, probably just to stay warm.
APRIL 3 — WOLVES 1, CHICAGO 0
Attendance: 22,507
A tight win in what the meteorologists described as a “balmy” 39 degrees. Balmy my left foot. That’s the kind of weather where your soda freezes before the anthem is done. But hey — 3–0 at home!
APRIL 4 — @ Yellow Springs — WOLVES 4, NINE 1
A tidy road victory, and nobody stole the team bus. Progress!
APRIL 5 — @ Yellow Springs — WOLVES 2, NINE 6
Reality check. Kevin Edwards pitched like he was trying to throw the ball through the backstop. Happens.
FRICK LEAGUE HEARTLAND STANDINGS
Madison Wolves — 4-1 (.800), 1st place
Des Moines Kernels — 4-1
Brook Park Brownies — 3-2
Twin Cities River Monsters — 3-2
Nashville Bluebirds — 2-3
Yellow Springs Nine — 2-3
Louisville Sluggers — 2-3
Chicago Black Sox — 0-5
TEAM VIBES SUMMARY (Gertie’s Version)
Offense: Batting .262 despite swinging frozen lumber.
Pitching: A glorious 2.66 ERA. I haven’t seen numbers that pretty since the time I laundered— well, never mind.
Bullpen: 1.59 ERA. Downright rude.
Javier Sunderland: Hitting .600 like he’s late for a contract meeting.
Brian Forrest: Getting on base like it’s his side hustle.
Gary Keller: Sweet boy, but I’ve seen more contact from a broken rotary phone.
GERTIE’S CLOSING REMARKS
Mark my words — if Madison keeps this up, we’re going to have to pretend we expected it.
I might even have to move some of my “special funds” from the emergency bourbon account to the playoff travel envelope.
But for now?
Your Madison Wolves are 4-1, in first place, and making the entire Heartland look like they rented the wrong team.
And that, my dear, is a sentence I never thought I’d write outside of a forged newspaper clipping.
— Gertie
(working quietly, discreetly, totally innocently… as always)
