Gertie knows a thing or two about healing...
September 3, 2063
From the Desk of Gertie & The Madison Wolves
__________________________________________
#1 Overall Pick Responding Positively to Treatment — Return Timeline Accelerated
Madison, WI — The Madison Wolves are pleased to announce that rookie starting pitcher Carlos Cruz this year’s #1 overall draft selection is responding remarkably well to treatment following his recent arm setback.
Team doctors, with a healthy dose of encouragement from owner Gertie Haines, have begun applying a controversial but oddly effective remedy pulled straight from the Great Depression-era playbook: “Doc Featherbottom’s Miracle Liniment Elixir — For Bones, Joints, Spirits, and Livestock.”
Sourced from a dusty crate in the basement of Shotz Stadium (and banned in 12 states for “overpromising bounce-back”), this potent concoction of camphor oil, turpentine, molasses, and questionable enthusiasm has worked wonders on the rookie’s throwing arm.
“We tried everything modern science had,” said team trainer Wakie Mellouk. “Then Gertie slapped that liniment on him and told him to sleep with a heated feed sack under his elbow. Next morning? Full range of motion. Swear to God.”
Thanks to this bold medical improvisation, the rookie’s projected return timeline has now been shortened by three full weeks. He’s expected to begin a throwing program within days, with a possible rehab assignment before the end of the month.
Gertie, who claims to have traded “a half jug of applejack and a mule saddle” for her first bottle of the elixir back in '39, offered this:
Further updates will be shared as the rookie continues his miraculous recovery under the watchful eye of Gertie’s traveling medicine trunk.“They called it snake oil back then. But those snakes? They had strong arms.”
#RunWithTheWolves
