The Brewster

Front Office Shoots Kum Back to Twin Cities


Kum Went Limp Once the Games Counted

Chicago, May 27, 2054 -- No one will be erecting statues to Kum, at least not in Chicago. Lao Kum, the Rule 5 draft pick who impressed during spring training, is being returned to Twin Cities after proving to be a total bust once the season started.

"We appreciate Lao's enthusiasm, but frankly, my grandma could have played better," said GM Mike Dunn. "We wish Kum well in Twin Cities."

Kum was stiff competition during the spring, hitting .318 in 51 plate appearances, and with a .412 on base percentage. But once the games mattered, shrinkage in his stats was evident: he hit just .150 in 89 plate appearances, with a .190 OBP. Worse yet, his defense was horrible, with a -.2 zone rating in center. "Kum let everything through up the middle," said one observer.

Filling Kum's slot on the roster will be veteran Manuel De Los Santos, who tweeted, "I told you so!"

Lao may not want to unpack too quickly, however. Twin Cities is said to be exploring a trade of the outfielder to Portland, where Assistant General Manager Kate Fiscus has apparently taken a liking to Kum.

Holy cow, Chicago to Twin Cities is a 400 mile ejaculation, wind currents be damned!

I've cum and gone that way many, many times. Right up 94, it's an easy go.

-0.2 ZR is horrible?

So poetic.

BaseClogger wrote: ↑

Wed Mar 15, 2023 8:21 pm

-0.2 ZR is horrible?

Good point, I meant that a good defensive outfielder might be worth keeping despite his bad bat. But I didn't write it well.

In fact, I wrote this in about ten minutes without much thought. Primary goal here (and in drafting Kum) was getting participation points by writing seventh grade dick jokes.

Hopefully @7teen can continue this by trading have Kate trade for Kum.

tylertoo wrote: ↑

Thu Mar 16, 2023 7:10 am

Hopefully @7teen can continue this by trading have Kate trade for Kum.

Based on what I know about Kate, she's got enough Kum.

Next time tap me on the shoulder first. I just had to release like 30 players, now I gotta go back and squeeze one more out.

ae37jr wrote: ↑

Thu Mar 16, 2023 8:09 am

Next time tap me on the shoulder first. I just had to release like 30 players, now I gotta go back and squeeze one more out.

I'd send some cash for him, PM me if you want to do that.

The html reports are trying to steal your thunder.......


Chicago Trades to Twin Cities for Kum
Wednesday, May 27th , 2054
It came down to the last hour of a self-imposed trade deadline, but the Chicago Black Sox and Twin Cities River Monsters finally came to an agreement on a trade that had been rumored for weeks. The trade sends Chicago's $100,000 in cash to Twin Cities in a swap for 26-year old LF Lao Kum. Both GMs seemed relieved that the deal had been completed with one stating, "We had to set a deadline to get it done." The players are expected to report to their new teams by tomorrow.


This season Kum is swinging the bat at a .150 rate with 12 hits in 80 at-bats. To date he has hit no home runs, scored 5 runs and driven in 5.

I can't believe I'm in the standings between two GMs swapping Kum. It's a sticky situation.

This whole thread has been a thing of joy to read.

Trebro wrote: ↑

Fri Mar 17, 2023 2:51 pm

This whole thread has been a thing of joy to read.

Wait'll you read the novel (by Phillip K. Dick of course).