"We are the Wurst": Last Place Black Sox Announce
Permanent Dollar Dog Night
Marketing Ploy is latest desperate effort to sell tickets
Chicago, July 21, 2053 -- The Black Sox today launched a new marketing campaign to boost attendance: every single remaining home game will be a dollar dog night.
The promotion, titled "We are the Wurst," comes as the last place club faces a whopping 28% decline in single game ticket sales this season. "By offering cheap eats, we hope to lure fans back," said marketing VP Jerry "Stinky" Crotch. "By helping them stuff their faces, we help ensure that they won't actually watch the play on the field."
"We don't relish having to take such a drastic step," continued Crotch. "I only hope that this marketing effort cuts the mustard, and our ticket sales can ketchup to last year. If so, we'll truly be on a roll heading into next season."
The campaign includes a new radio jingle set the music of the 1980's charity song "We are the World":
This new marketing effort comes after the club jettisoned its previous marketing campaign focused on outfielder Long "Ding Dong" Chamberlain and his long ding dong. That marketing effort, aimed at female fans, went nowhere fast. Chamberlain, a Rule 5 pick, has since been shipped back to Omaha along with his XXXL-sized jock straps. Critics on social media noted that both marketing ploys focused on phallic symbols. "From one weiner to another," quipped one scribe.There comes a time
As we play horrible ball
When our fans must come together as one
With bags over their heads
They boo and jeer and cry
And run to the nearest bathroom stall
We can't go on
Pretending day-by-day
This can be fixed with just a managerial change
We're all a part of Vitale's great big family
And in truth, you know, beer is all we need
We are the wurst
We are the putrid
We are a team that truly sucks, so let's eat hot dogs
That's the choice we're making
And in the end it's clear
The first overall pick will be there for you and me
(repeat chorus)
We are the wurst (are the wurst)
We are the putrid (are the putrid)
We are a team that truly sucks, so let's eat hot dogs (lots of dollar hot dogs!)
There is a choice we're making
And in the end it's clear
The first overall pick will be there for you and me