53.7 Black Sox, Officially the Worst Team in BBA, Hire New Advisor to Shake Things Up

[tylertoo]

Black Sox, Officially the Worst Team in BBA,
Hire New Advisor to Shake Things Up

Roster and lineup changes begin

Chicago, May 5, 2053 -- The Black Sox reached a new low today by posting the worst record the Brewster, 8-22, the most embarrassing start in the team's history. Clearly infuriated, team owner Santino "Sonny" Vitale announced that GM Mike Dunn is going on an indefinite sabbatical in an undisclosed location and his job will be handled by an interim GM, a dude name Leon Ponzi, who we're told previously served as a numbers runner for Sonny.

"Dunn is going away for a while," said Vitale. "I can't say where, but far, far away. Leon's the man now. He has my full confidence that he can right this sinking ship."

Leon Ponzi holds his first press conference as Interim GM

Ponzi, 42, has no previous affiliation with the Black Sox, the Brewster, or any sort of organized baseball. It is not even clear if Ponzi understands the game. "I'm gonna shake things up," he told reporters. "You call this shit overreacting. I call it doin' what needs to be done."

Ponzi's first big change was announcing that bench outfielder Long "Ding Dong" Chamberlain will become a starter in right field. Chamberlain is popular among female fans because of his long ding dong, and in fact the team is using him in promotions to sell season tickets.

Chamberlain, acquired in the off season during the Rule 5 draft from Omaha, was originally slated to be a fifth outfielder. But he surprisingly has played well (as least by the painfully low standards of the rest of the Black Sox roster), with a .314 average and a 145 OPS+ in 15 games.

Ponzi explains why Ding Dong is a fan favorite

"More importantly," said Ponzi, "Chamberlain has what we in the business call a major league johnson. It could fall outta his pants at any moment. The chance of that happening increases the more he plays. That keeps fans interested, particularly when the team is getting blown out. Yup, you gotta watch him round the bases, his trouser trout might make an appearance. Especially 'cuz he doesn't wear underwear or a jock strap. You got a schlong like that, you can't wear underwear. Everyone in the big johnson community knows that. Myself included, heh heh."

The other changes announced by Ponzi are as follows:

--With the team's ERA at 4.81, Ponzi DFA'd two of the team's woeful starters, Quintiliano Rodeia and Robin Cooper. Both had joined the Black Sox in the offseason as inexpensive free agents. Both sucked. Rodeia tallied an 0-5 record and a 6+ ERA in six starts. Cooper was just as bad, notching a 1-3 record and 8+ ERA, also in six starts.

--Replacing Rodeia and Cooper in the rotation is Garrison Hewitt, coming off a shoulder injury, and Francisco Ortiz, a 28-year piece of mediocrity being promoted from AAA Carolina. Neither Hewitt nor Ortiz is like to fare any better, but at least old Leon is trying to mix things up.

--As mentioned above, Ponzi installed Long Chamberlain in the starting lineup, batting third against righties and clean up against lefties. Whether Ding Dong can hit a bunch of dingers will be fascinating to watch.

--Leon also ordered Roberto Solis to shuffle the lineup considerably, putting DH Michael MacKeon as leadoff in both lineups, and moving 3B Anthony Moretti, who also hits left, to the two hole against righties and third against lefties. Moretti, who had been relegated near the bottom of the lineup in the first month of the season, strikeouts out a bunch, usually at least once a game, so that change may not last long.

Is this the end of Ponzi's scheme? Absolutely not, he says. "More to come," promised Leon. "Much more to come!"

[Jwalk100]

Ponzi's schemes always work.

[Trebro]

We hope this lineup sticks because we are planning a special sausage promotion the first night the Black Sox come for a visit.

[Jwalk100]

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