Stuart Explains His Startling Start: "The Noise is Getting to Me."
Bernie's vaping habit has increased this season
"I've tried to block it out," Stuart told us between incessant vapes. "But all the noise is getting to me."
Stuart started the season well, with solid victories over Omaha and Madison in April. But since then he's been horrible to a degree that has never seen in Stuart's stellar career: seven straight losses, with his ERA exploding from 2.13 on April 6 to the current 7.26. Stuart's worst stretch of the season, indeed of his career, lasted from April 17 through the 28th: three starts that saw him give up 23 earned runs over a total of 11 innings. Stuart is extremely popular among fans, so boos have been few, but clearly something is wrong.
That something is the off-season, brazen daylight whacking of Vitale, a shooting quickly declared by local officials as 'natural causes.' Since then the Illinois Attorney General has convened a grand jury, and reports indicate that GM Mike Dunn was so distracted by having to testify that he missed the first round of the 2052 amateur draft.
"I was tight with Vinnie," said Stuart, wiping a tear as he vaped away. "I hope whoever was responsible is put away for years." When asked about his increased vaping, the hurler shrugged. "There are worse vices, believe me."
Stuart's start startles
Front offices sources said thought is being given to shopping Stuart, along with stud SS Badr Isam, as the 15-29 club contemplates a rebuild. "But we are not going to sell Bernie for pennies on the dollar. So he needs to return to the Bernie of old before we start entertaining offers."