Dear Chicago Black Sox Fans:
Hey, guys! Diesel Dave, All Star, here! Just wanted to let everyone know that I miss the hell outta you, but that I’m doin’ fine in my new home … no thanks to that cheap bastard, Vinnie Vitale.
Diesel Dave, All Star
That’s right Sox fans: I’ve hit 11 so far, and my agent says I’m on pace to hit 50. You read that right: 50 dingers. Those coulda been yours, but no, no, no. Vinnie Vitale didn’t wanna pay Diesel Dave, All Star, like an All Star, so I’m in Omaha.
Well, sorry about that, Chicago.
You might wanna tell Vinnie to go suck it.
See ya at the All Star Game!
Love,
DD-AS
Phone Call Between Sox Owner Vinnie Vitale and GM Benny Vitale
Vinnie: Damn it, Benny. Did you see that crap Diesel Dick said in that ad he took out?
Benny (sighs): Yes, Vincent, I saw it. You couldn’t help but see it. It was on Chicago Sports Online, it was in all the Chicago news feeds, it was on the radio, it was on TV … he even paid for it to scroll on the electronic scoreboard at Sox Park.
Sox GM Benny Vitale
Benny: Yes, we took care of it, Vincent. But not before 49,804 fans saw it at last night’s game against Louisville. It got quite the ovation, too.
Vinnie: Well, crap. You know, everybody told me that Steve Hilltop guy would be the perfect replacement for Mack Truck. “He won’t hit as many home runs, but he’s just as good a hitter.” Well, what’s he hitting, Benny?
Benny (sighs): Spencer Hillson has had a slow start, I’ll grant you …
Vinnie (growls): What’s he hitting, Benny?
Benny: He’s slashing .133/.212/.222 … but Vincent, he is the captain of the team. He’s an inspirational figure in our locker room!
Vinnie: Yeah, yeah, yeah. He’s a regular Mother Teresa. Hits like her, too. Well, I’m tellin’ ya, Benny. I want you to go out today – TODAY, damn it – and get us a real catcher. Capiche?
Black Sox Owner Vinnie "Capiche?" Vitale
Vinnie: Cut him? Who said anything about cutting him? Nah, keep him – but bench him. If he’s so damn inspirational, he can do that sitting next to (Manager Julian) Negrete in the frickin’ dugout.
Benny: All right, Vincent. I’ll see what I can do, but this will require a trade, and I know how you hate it when we trade.
Vinnie: I don’t give a rat’s ass about that, Benny. We got somethin’ like 30,000 pitching prospects in our minor league system, right?
Benny: Well, I wouldn’t …
Vinnie: Trade a couple of those S.O.B.’s for a catcher, all right? We can limp by with 29,998 pitching prospects, OK?
Benny: Um, well …
Vinnie: Today, Benny. By tonight, I want to be reading all about our stud new catcher who’s gonna make Diesel Dog look like a pile of crap on my lawn. Got it?
Benny: I do “got it,” Vincent. I will do my best.
Vinnie: You do that, Benedetta. Hey, and whoever accepted that ad from Donkey Dave to run on our own scoreboard? Fire his ass. Whoever that was doesn’t have the sense God gave a … well, a donkey.
(Vinnie hangs up, call ends)
Phone Call Between Sox GM Benny Vitale and Kate Fiscus, Asst. GM of the Portland Trailblazers
(Sound of phone ringing, female voice answers on the other end)
Benny: Ms. Fiscus! This is Benny Vitale over in Chicago, how are you doing?
Kate: I’m doing just fine, Benny. Hey, and thanks for the fruit basket last month – that was a nice gesture!
Benny: Well, there aren’t many of us in the BBA management “girls club” and we need to stick up for each other. I hear nothing but good things about the job you’re doing out there.
Kate: I’m sure that’s not exactly true, but I do try. So, to what do I owe the pleasure of this phone call?
Benny: Well, Ms. Fiscus …
Kate: Please, Benny, call me Kate!
Benny: … um, yes … Ms. Fiscus … I was wondering … is that fine young catcher of yours, Mr. Pedro Gomez still on the market?
Kate: Why, yes, Benny. Yes he is!
Benny: Wonderful. Let’s talk …
Breaking News Story On Chicago Sports Online, 4:30 P.M. Central Time
By Mike Talley
Black Sox Beat Writer
Chicago Sports Online
The Chicago Black Sox have traded three promising young pitching prospects to the Portland Trailblazers for standout catcher Pedro Gomez and a minor league starting pitcher.
Gomez, a 26-year-old right-handed hitter who has established himself as an excellent contact hitter since breaking into the BBA in 2040, plugs a gaping hole in the Chicago lineup that was created when the team allowed former All-Star Diesel Dave to leave for free agency.
Pedro Gomez
Observers say the timing of the deal – a day after Dave took out a taunting ad in Chicago media that also scrolled across the scoreboard at Black Sox Park during last night’s sold-out game with the Louisville Sluggers – was no accident.
Sox owner Vinnie Vitale was said to be incensed by the ad.
“He was ticked off, that’s for sure,” said one Sox management source. “You could hear him yelling on the phone at (General Manager) Benny (Vitale) all over the office. He told her to get a catcher quick.”
Which, apparently, she did.
The Sox traded AAA starting pitcher Juan Martinez; Single A relief pitcher Rafael Gómez; and Rookie League starting pitcher Randolph Marable to Portland for Gomez and AA starting pitcher Xing-li Cong just hours after the phone call with Vinnie Vitale.
“He told her we had like 30,000 pitching prospects in our minors, and it didn’t matter if we only had 29,998, we needed a catcher. And presto, here’s Gomez!”
Benny Vitale called a news conference for ….
(Story blathers on for several more screens full of verbiage)
