Caller: And another thing: those rat bastards in the Sox front office let my man Diesel Dave, All Star, walk. I mean, the Diez is the only reason I watched those pussies anyway – at least he hits dingers, man. The other little girls on that team barely hit anything out of the infield.
Wooley: Whoa, whoa, whoa. First of all, language, man. We’re a family show. Second of all, I’m with ya on DD, All-Star. The man could flat our rake … well, when he actually hit the ball. Now, that wasn’t all that often, but when he did connect, those homers of his were something to see!
Dawg: Maybe that .285 on base percentage had something to do it?
Caller: I’m callin’ B.S. right there, man. I did not pay good money to watch the Diez walk down to first base. I mean, what’s he gonna do when he gets there, anyway? He can’t run. Diesel Dave, All Star, does one thing: he hits dingers, man. And that’s what I want to see.
Tell you what, I’m signin’ up for the BBA-TV package so I can watch Omaha games this year. Screw the Sox. I want Diesel Dave!
Wooley: I understand, man. After all, he was an All-Star.
(Snippet From “The Pulse” Column by Malcolm Wilkes in BBA Weekly)
It was hard enough to understand just how Dave was selected to the 2044 All-Star team to begin with – he was, after all, slashing just .195/.224/.490 at the time.
But what’s even harder to understand now is paroxysm of grief pouring out of the Windy City after “The All Star” signed with Omaha this off-season.
Come on, sheeples. I mean, I understand you loved the swagger and that he wore sleeveless jerseys to church and that some moron started a comic book about him. I get it. He’s like a cartoon character – sorta goofy and it’s fun to watch those wild swings of his that hardly ever connect.
But come on: Dude cannot play.
(Another snippet from Wooley and Dawg)
Dawg: Hey, we’ve got Sid Meechem on the line – he’s the guy from Dark Horse comics who writes Shooting Star, the Diesel Dave, All Star, comic book. So, Sid, what’s your take on the Sox letting DD, AS walk?
Diesel Dave, All Star
Wooley: So, will this affect the comic at all? You’re gonna still publish, right?
Sid: Well, the suits upstairs are a little worried ‘cuz Omaha’s kind of a media backwater – it doesn’t have the same kind of drawing power that Chi-Town has. But I told ‘em, you wait, man. That ballpark over there is dinky. DD-AS is gonna hit 60 dingers over there – it’s gonna be legendary.
Dawg: Awesome, man. So the comic continues?
Sid: No question! Unless he flops over there, which ain’t gonna happen.
Wooley: What the Frick, man. No way he flops out there.
Dawg: Course not. Man’s an All-Star!
(Inside the office of Sox GM Benny Vitale)
Benny: How many calls have we had this morning, Mr. Caleca?
Vic Caleca, assistant to the assistant GM: At last count, we had approximately 675 calls, Ms. Vitale.
Benny: Just about Diesel Dave, All Star?
Benny Vitale, Sox GM
Benny: And what was the breakdown?
Caleca: Well, ma’am, they were all calling you variations on “dumb ass” for not re-signing him.
Benny: Re-sign him? Our fan base is deeply delusional. Diesel Dave is terrible.
Caleca: Well, he did hit 31 home runs, ma’am. That’s what everyone says. “He hits dingers.”
Benny: Dear Lord. He was also asking for more than $13 million a year over six years. That comes to more than $419,000 per home run.
Caleca: Well, ma’am, everyone loves a home run.
Benny: Not at that price. Not on my team. Is that all they care about? That he hit the occasional home run?
Caleca: Well, no. They also like one other thing about him.
Benny: And what is that, pray tell?
Caleca: He was an All-Star.
Benny: I hate this town.
(Snippet of conversation at the batting cage in Black Sox Park)
Aarnaud Budding, first baseman: I still just think it sucks they let Diesel walk. He was a good guy to have in the clubhouse.
Sebastian Fradesso, outfielder: Yeah, he was pretty funny … but kind of an ass, in a way.
Budding: I don’t know, he kept us loose.
Rocky Wattson, second baseman: Gotta say, I agree. I’m gonna miss him. Couldn’t hit worth a damn, but he was good to have on the team.
Fradesso: Yeah, but like you say, he couldn’t hit worth a damn – and I heard he was asking for a shitload of cash to re-sign.
Aarnaud Budding
Wattson: How’s that, Bud?
Budding (laughs): Cuz as long as he was on the roster, nobody gave a shit about how many times I struck out. I look as patient as Mark Wareham in comparison …
Another snippet from Wooley and Dawg
Caller: All I know is, I’m not going to another Black Sox game until they bring him back!
Dawg: I don’t think that’s gonna happen, man. You know, he apparently called Benny Vitale “Sweet Cheeks” in a meeting, and she got pissed off. Word is that had a lot to do with why they didn’t bring him back.
Caller (scoffs): Sweet cheeks? That ice queen? She ain’t no sweet cheeks in my book.
Wooley: Oh, I don’t know. She’s kinda cute – but tough. You do not want to get on the wrong side of Benny Vitale.
Caller: You would think she’d cut Diesel Dave some slack, though.
Dawg: You got that right.
Wooley: And why do you say that, Dawg? I don't think Benny Vitale cuts anyone any slack.
Dawg: Simple, man. Cuz the Diez is an All Star!
