Mandy Anderson: Good evening, Sox fans! Tonight we have a very special guest, All-Star catcher and Black Sox co-Captain Diesel Dave. Welcome, Diesel!
Diesel Dave (dressed in a pinstripe suit, yellow power tie, and aviator sunglasses): Hey, Mandy. Good to be here.
Mandy: So, Diesel, did your selection to the Frick League All-Star squad take you at all by surprise? I mean, you weren’t the most obvious of choices …
Diesel (frowns a bit): What? No, of course I wasn’t surprised. Have you seen my scouting reports? I’m rated 65 out of 65 for overall potential. I’m a gosh darn star!
Mandy (her eyebrows raised): Well, sure, scouting reports are nice. But you’re only batting .195 on the season, Diesel. I mean, usually, that doesn’t qualify someone for the All-Star team.
Diesel (condescendingly): Oh, come on, Mandy. Who pays attention to batting average these days? That’s such a meaningless stat. Batting average is for suckers.
Mandy: Hmmm. OK. Well, your on-base percentage is only .224 … usually, All-Star players are well over .300, even pushing .400 or more …
Diesel (shakes his head in pity): Mandy, Mandy, Mandy. I’m not in the lineup to draw walks. I’m in the lineup to do one thing: hit dingers. And dingers I hit. OBP is for suckers.
Mandy: Huh. Really? OK, well your slugging percentage is .490 … and while that’s OK, it doesn’t necessarily scream All-Star, does it?
Diesel: Dingers, Mandy. Dingers. Slugging percentage is doubles and triples, in addition to homers. Doubles are for losers, Mandy. I hit dingers.
Mandy: OK. Sure. Well, you do lead the club in home runs with ... (makes a quick check) … 22. And that’s a pretty good number, but it only ties you for 21st in the league …
Diesel: Leader boards are for suckers, Mandy.
Mandy: Well, that may be a good thing, since you do rank 2nd in the league for one stat.
Diesel (lowers his glasses and peers over them at Mandy): And what’s that, doll face? Devastating good looks?
Mandy (smirks): Well, no, not exactly. Strikeouts, Diesel. You’re second in the league in strikeouts, with 115.
Mandy Anderson
Mandy: And you sure were swinging at the All-Star Game – you struck out all three times you came up.
Diesel (shrugs): I had some good cuts, though.
Mandy: Sure, you did, Diesel. Sure you did. Now, Diesel, this is the final year of your contract and rumors have been swirling about the kind of numbers you’re asking for to re-sign with the Sox.
Diesel: Nice round numbers.
Mandy: Yes, well, we heard your latest demand, after making the All-Star team, was six years for more than $14 million a year. Is that true?
Diesel: There are lots of numbers out there, Mandy. I’m not going to talk about what my agent is asking, but $14 million is a nice number, I won’t lie!
All-Star Diesel Dave
Mandy: But Diesel, you’re only on pace for 1.7 WAR for the year … do you really think the Sox are going to pay $14 million for that kind of production?
Diesel: WAR is for suckers, Mandy. If the Sox want All-Star Diesel Dave production, they’re gonna have to pay for it.
Mandy: How exactly did you get on the All-Star team, Diesel?
Diesel (settles his sunglasses back in place and smiles): I guess that fella with Louisville who picked the squads knows a little something about studly catchers …
Diesel: Hey, first of all, that’s not very nice. And second of all, like it or not, I’m a frickin’ Frick All-Star.
Mandy: Well, now, right you are! And you’re also right that I don’t like it much. The All-Star Game is supposed to celebrate excellence …
Diesel: Pfffttt. Excellence is for suckers.
Mandy: Well, I think you’ve just found the motto for the 2044 Chicago Black Sox, Diesel. Stay tuned, Sox fans, we’ll be back after these messages!
(The theme song plays for a few moments, then the station cuts to commercials).
