(Black Sox GM Benedetta Vitale is riding in the back of a limo headed for her luxury condo, which takes up the 91st and 92nd floors of the Hancock Center in downtown Chicago. She is on the phone to Sox owner Vinnie Vitale.)
Benny Vitale: Thank you for picking up, Vincent. I’ve been trying to get ahold of you for more than an hour.
Vinnie Vitale: Sorry about that. I’ve been in a meeting with my attorneys.
Sox Owner Vinnie "Signature Move" Vitale
Vinnie: Not sure what you meant by that, but yes. Yes we did.
Benny: That’s fine, Vincent. I need you to do something for me.
Vinnie: Yeah? What’s that?
Benny: I need you to send a Tower of Pears to Mr. Shoeless, the general manager in California.
Vinnie: You what? That ain’t gonna happen, Ben. I only send the pears to people who’ve really earned them. What’s Shoeless done to earn one, other than dumping on Mikki Manning? That’s good, I’ll admit, but it ain’t exactly pear-worthy.
Benny: You are such an odd man, Vincent. Thank goodness your brother, Gino, isn’t like that. We’d have to nip that in the bud.
Vinnie: The Tower of Pears is my signature move, Benny. They only go to people who exceed my expectations. So I repeat: why should I send one to Shoeless? I don’t want to encourage him with all that poetry he commissions over there. That stuff is terrible.
Benny: It’s “Horrible,” actually, but that’s neither here nor there. Here is the situation, Vincent. I want to trade for Mr. Dusty Rhodes, the designated hitter, because we badly need a right-handed bat in our lineup, especially since Louisville seems to send nothing but left-handers against us.
Vinnie: Yeah? So? I told you that you had my blessing to make trades without my consent.
Benny: I’m not asking your consent. I’m asking you for a Tower of Pears because that’s what Mr. Shoeless wants in return for Mr. Dusty Rhodes.
Dusty Rhodes
Benny: He’s not a scrub. Far from it. But he doesn’t fit California’s team or its needs, he’s drawing a $5 million salary, and he’s just sitting right now. So, Shoeless is fairly eager to move him.
Vinnie: And we want him why?
Benny: As I told you, he hits right-handed. We don’t have a lot of right-handed hitters, and that shows up in our record against left-handed pitchers. (She glances down at her notes). We are 17-25 against “lefties,” as my semi-literate coaching staff puts it, and 46-26 against so-called “righties.” I want to remedy that.
Vinnie: And you think Rhodes will be the remedy?
Benny: I think he will help, yes. The Kocherschmeltz Group rates his contact skills against left-handers as an 8, with potential to go to an electric-blue 9. He is slashing .287/.315/.402 against left-handers this season, and he is – historically – a very good hitter.
Vinnie: Uh huh. Well those stats you just quoted me sound OK, but not exactly historic.
Benny: Yes. But even his production this year, when he is not playing hardly at all, is still a considerable upgrade to what we have been doing against left-handers.
Vinnie: I still ain’t convinced. Look, tell you what I’ll do, I’d be willing to send a nice melon ball assortment to Shoeless for him.
Benny: It’s hard for me to comprehend this, but we actually anticipated your reaction and floated the melon ball option to Mr. Shoeless already.
Vinnie: Yeah? And what’d he say?
Benny: He said, and I quote, “Tell that pinhead it’s a Tower of Pears or nothing.”
Vinnie (snorts): So this call means you’re ‘telling the pinhead.’
Benny: After a fashion, Vincent.
Vinnie: Well, no go. No pears for Shoeless.
Black Sox GM Benny Vitale
Vinnie: Wait a minute, I thought that’s why we got that Henry Jones guy from Calgary. Is he stinkin’ up the joint?
Benny: Quite the contrary. Mr. Jones has been excellent. But Mr. Mark Simpson has been struggling a bit against left-handers this season, so we may give him a rest against them some days and let Mr. Jones play first base. When he does that, Mr. Rhodes would be our DH.
Vinnie: Huh. OK. So … I still can’t see sending a Tower of Pears to a guy for a .287 batting average.
Benny: Well, don’t send it for that. Send it in recognition of his lifetime excellence as a hitter.
Vinnie (sighs): OK, you keep mentioning that. How good has he been?
Benny: I am so glad you asked. Mr. Rhodes is a lifetime .332/.377/.433 hitter, and here is the remarkable thing, Vincent.
Vinnie: Yeah … Ok. What?
Benny: He has 3,466 hits in his career.
Vinnie (whistles): He what now?
Benny: You heard me the first time, Vincent. He has 3,466 hits.
Vinnie (falls silent for a moment, then exhales): OK. Even I know that 3,466 hits is pear-worthy. In fact, I’ll tell ya what I’m gonna do: I’m gonna send one Tower of Pears to Shoeless, and one to Rhodes. Let’s get those pears movin.’
Benny: I thought you might see it that way. Thank you, Vincent.
Vinnie: Yeah, no problem. Hey … sorry the winning streak ended, but that was a hell of a ride.
Benny: Yes it was. Now, we want to do what we can to capitalize on our momentum, and we hope this will help.
Vinnie: Hey, pears never hurt.
***
(In a luxury apartment somewhere in Sacramento, California Crusaders 1B/DH Dusty Rhodes is getting ready to drive to the ballpark for that night’s game against the San Fernando Bears, when his doorbell rings. He opens the door to find a delivery man holding an immense basket of pears piled one atop the other).
Deliveryman: You Rhodes? Dusty Rhodes?
Dusty Rhodes: Yeah, that’s me.
Deliveryman: These are for you, bud.
Dusty Rhodes: Who the hell would be sending me a stack of pears? This has to be a mistake.
Deliveryman: Nope. Don’t think so. They have your name and address on ‘em.
Rhodes: But the only guy who sends those is that fella in Chicago and … (the truth begins dawning on him) … oh man. Wait a minute …
Deliveryman: Yeah. Whatever. I’m just gonna set ‘em down here for ya.
Rhodes: Uh huh. You do that … I gotta call my damn agent!
