(Camera shows the interior of Benny Vitale’s mid-century modern office at Black Sox Park, filled with Scandinavian style furniture, blond wood and stainless steel. She is seated behind an expansive blond wood writing desk in a black leather and chrome office chair, speaking on her phone with Vinnie Vitale, the team owner and her brother-in-law).
Vinnie Vitale: So. Benedetta. Benny. Ben.
Benny Vitale: Stop that, Vincent. My name is not Ben. Do not call me that.
Vinnie: So, maybe I should call you s*&t-for-brains, instead? What the hell was that last week?
Sox Owner Vinnie "I'm a Patient Man" Vitale
Vinnie: Uh huh. Lost some baseball games. We lost six baseball games, Ben, every game on our schedule, by my count. Including … (voice rises) … including two against those no-talent Lumberheads out in Portland.
Benny: Do not call me Ben, Vincent. And I’m so glad you have retained enough of your kindergarten education to count all the way to six. The Black Sox have had losing streaks before, and they will have them again. That is baseball, Vincent.
Vinnie: Don’t tell me about baseball, Benedetta. I’ve forgotten more about baseball than you’ll ever know.
Benny: Yes, yes. I’m sure. Is there a point to this call beyond you wanting to call me names?
Vinnie: Well, Ben, here’s the thing. Before the season, I pick up the Spring Training predictions from the Baseball News Network and they tell me the Black Sox are gonna go 86-76 and make the playoffs. Then, I pick up the Brewster’s Media Guide and that fella Ernie Whiner says we’ll go 84-78 and make the playoffs. And then, I pick up BNN’s Opening Day predictions, and they say we’ll go 94-68 and make the playoffs. You seein’ a trend here, Ben?
Benny: Quit calling me that, Vincent. And yes, the pundits all said nice things about our team. By the way, unless I’m mistaken, the author of the media guide piece was not Ernie Whiner. It was Aaron Weiner, the vice commissioner of the league.
Vinnie: Yeah, yeah. That’s what I said. But you know, Ben, one thing I didn’t read in any of those preseason writeups by Ernie or anyone else was how we’d be in last place in the damn Heartland behind Twin Cities and freakin’ Des Moines. We have a worse record than Portland – Portland! - and Wichita.
Benny (tapping her finger impatiently on her desk): Yes, I can read the standings, Vincent. But I would remind you of one thing.
Vinnie: Yeah? What’s that?
Benny: This is the second week of the season, Vincent. There is a lot of baseball for us to play, still. Are you going to call me like this every time we lose a game?
Vinnie: First of all, I own the team. I’ll call you whenever I damn well please. Second of all, you bet you’ll get a call when you crap the bed like you did last week …
Benny: There is no need to result to crudities, Vincent. That’s the hallmark of a small mind. Jürgen always says …
Vinnie: Jürgen? Who the f*&k is Jürgen?
Benny (sighs): Jürgen Kochershmeltz of the K-Group, Vincent. Our personnel consultant. Do you not read any of the memos I send you?
Vinnie: I read ‘em. Some of ‘em. Or I have other people read ‘em.
Benny Vitale, Sox General Manager
Vinnie (snorts): Doctor? What’s he a doctor of, flim-flammery?
Benny (sighs again): He holds a doctorate in neuroscience from Yale University, Vincent. At any rate, Jürgen says you use bluster to hide your feelings of inadequacy …
Vinnie (now furious): Yeah, well, you know what that pinhead can do …
Benny: This is pointless, Vincent. I understand you were disappointed with how the team performed last week. I, too, was disappointed. But this is a long season, and we are taking some steps to tweak our approach. Some of them you will see this week. We have sent Mr. Sánchez to the minor leagues, and have brought up Mr. Chang to take his place. We also are making a change to the starting rotation, which you will see this week.
Vinnie (calmer now): OK, Benny. All of that is fine, but I want you to know that I’m expecting results this season. If I don’t get them from you, maybe I’ll bring Caleca back … Arnie Winecrest said in the Media Guide that he was leading a “well-run” franchise …
Benny: First of all, you mean Aaron Weiner. Second of all, Mr. Caleca was leading a losing franchise. And third of all, don’t threaten me, Vincent. I’ll just remind you – again - of that thumb drive with all those nasty little Agri-Green payments to that Ukranian hacker …
Vinnie: Hmm. You mean all those legitimate payments to our Ukranian IT specialist who designed our biological waste containment program? That fella? Yes, we made several payments to him for his unparalleled programming skill in the area of environmental software design …
Benny: The skill to dump pig manure all over Yellow Springs, you mean?
Vinnie (laughs): Well that’s bullshit … or maybe I should say pig shit … and you know it. That was an unfortunate accident, which you well know.
Benny: Do I, Vincent? Or do I know that was your rather clumsy cover story?
Vinnie: Well, I don’t know what you know, but one thing I know is that I now have a pristine audio clip of you trying to blackmail me …
Benny (sharply): What?
Vinnie: Yep. Sad but true. So don’t go all high and mighty on me, Benedetta. Look, I realize it’s a young season, and I’m a patient man. I’ll give you some time to right the ship, but if you don’t …
Benny (fuming): You had no right to record our conversation, Vincent.
Vinnie: Hmm. Really? Just like you had no right to copy confidential Agri-Green financial records to your little thumb drive? I’m just sayin’, I’ll give you time to do your job. But if you don’t do your job to my satisfaction, I’ll kick your ass to the curb.
Benny: We’ll see, Vincent.
Vinnie: That we will. That we will. See ya, Ben!
Benny: Damn it, Vinnie …
Vinnie: Tsk, tsk. Such language. What would Jürgen say?
(Vinnie hangs up, call ends)
[Video Clip Ends]
