Sales Rep: Hello, Harry & David. Can I help you?
Male Voice: Um, yeah. This is Bill McGuffin with the Chicago Black Sox, and we need to order a few fruit baskets.
Sales Rep: The Black Sox! Well this is neat. Do you know what you’d like to order?
McGuffin: Well, we’re gonna need a few …
Sales Rep: Excellent. I can definitely help you with that. Start wherever you’d like.
Bill McGuffin
Sales Rep: Oh dear. Traumatized?
McGuffin: Well, this is for Bret Richards … he saw a bug on a table in front of him. He hates bugs … anyway, this one needs to be sorta nice … “There was a cockroach on my conference table" nice, if you’ve got anything like that.”
Sales Rep: Hmmm. Well, this is National Pear Month. You could go with our Royal Riviera Pears Sympathy Basket …
McGuffin: Yeah, that sounds tasteful. How many pears is that?
Sales Rep: That’s 9 pears – but they’re big!
McGuffin: Tell you what, we’ll send him 4 of those. That’ll be enough pears to last him more than a month. If 36 pears won’t help you forget a conference room cockroach, well, we can’t be held responsible for that.
Sales Rep: Yes sir. What else can I help you with?
McGuffin: OK. We got five guys we’re cutting loose in arbitration… we’ll need something to cheer ‘em up.
Sales Rep (clearly casting about for an idea): You mean, like a congratulations basket?
McGuffin: Well, those bastards in Portland would probably say congratulations are in order, but no. This would be more like sympathy …
Sales Rep: Ah. Ok. Well, we have the “Here For You” gift basket …
McGuffin: Uh. No. We’re not gonna be “Here for Them” …
Sales Rep: Well, we have the “Sympathy Gift Tower.”
McGuffin: A tower? That sounds a little, um, grand. I mean, these guys kinda suck, that’s why we’re cutting ‘em loose.
McGuffin: Huh. Does it actually say “sorry” somewhere?
Sales Rep: Yes! There’s a nice little label on the basket that says “Sorry.”
McGuffin: Yep. Five of those.
Sales Rep: Very good, sir. Anything else?
McGuffin: Yeah, I need one for our new manager … like a “congratulations” basket.
Sales Rep: OK. We have the “Grand Favorites Gift Basket.”
McGuffin: Mmm. Well, he isn’t exactly “grand,” either. He’s cheap, but not “grand.” I mean, he’s still reading up on how to manage, for God’s sake.
Sales Rep: So, you need something he can eat while he’s reading, then?
McGuffin: Exactly. Great idea!
Sales Rep: Well, we’ve got a Snack Basket. No fruit, but popcorn and that kind of thing.
McGuffin: Nah. It’s gotta have fruit. The team owner, Vinnie Vitale, insists on fruit.
Sales Rep: Health nut, huh?
McGuffin: Well, take out the “health” part and you’d have it …
Sales Rep: OK. Well, we’ve got a “Pick Your Own Sentiment” basket – it has cherries, raspberries, and popcorn and the like.
McGuffin: And I can pick the sentiment for the front of the basket?
Sales Rep: Exactly!
McGuffin: How about “Read Faster!”
Sales Rep: Ummm …
McGuffin: No, no. I got it – “Good Luck – You’ll Need It!”
Sales Rep: Ummm …
McGuffin: Fine. Just say “Good Luck”
Sales Rep: Yes sir! Those are very nice gifts.
McGuffin: Well, you know what they say …
Sales Rep: No, what’s that?
McGuffin: A fruit basket is always appropriate …
[Recording Ends]