(Black Sox GM Vic Caleca is driving South Side Towing truck CC12 northbound on the Bishop Ford Freeway towards Chicago. His dash-mounted iPhone rings, and Caleca sees it’s Sox owner Vinnie Vitale. He answers the call through voice activation.)
Vic Caleca: Vinnie!
Vinnie Vitale: Yeah, hey Vic. I got a message that you called.
Vinnie "Le Francais" Vitale
Vinnie: The what?
Caleca: My review …
Vinnie: Oh, um, sure. OK. What’s your question?
Caleca: Well, you’re real complimentary about how our attendance has gone up …
Vinnie: Yeah, that’s really been something!
Caleca: Except you say here that you want us to average 38,000 in attendance …
Vinnie (sounding a little unsure): Yeah? Well that’d be good, right?
Caleca: Oh, it’d be great - except Sox Park only seats 35,000.
Vinnie: Oh. Well … you’ll figure it out.
Caleca: I’ll figure out how to wedge 3,000 extra people in for every game when they won’t have seats?
Vinnie: Hmm. Yeah. Maybe not. Well, do what you can …
Caleca: Also, you mentioned that you wanted me to upgrade our center field position from Raúl Gasco.
Raúl Gasco
Jim Lorenzen
Caleca: That’s great. I agree. Except Gasco hasn’t played center for us at all this year.
Vinnie: Oh yeah. We’ve been using that Jack Loserville kid …
Caleca: Jim Lorenzen. And hey, don’t call him that. He’s a good kid and he’s an unbelievable fielder.
Vinnie: But he’s batting .180 or something like that …
Caleca: Yeah. He is. Right at .180.
Vinnie: We doin’ something about that?
Caleca: Well … now don’t blow a fuse here or anything … but I put in a call to Joe Lederer out in Boise.
Vinnie: Sneaky Joe? How come you called him?
Caleca: He put Dennis French on the trading block this morning.
Dennis French
Caleca: He may just be curious about what he can get for him. But I thought I should kick the tires at least …
Vinnie: Well, hell yes. He’s battin’ over .180, right?
Caleca: Uh. Yeah. He is. A little bit.
Vinnie: All right. That’s more like it!
Caleca: Vinnie. Boise will not trade us Dennis French. I’m just doing my due diligence.
Vinnie: Yeah, yeah. You never know. Tell Sneaky Joe we’ll throw in some free roadside hazard protection …
(As Vinnie says this, a semi passes Caleca’s truck with its horn blaring).
Vinnie: Hey, you on the road?
Caleca: Yeah, Billy called me in this morning. Somebody called in sick.
Vinnie: Ah, good for you. Where you headed?
Caleca: One of the Dan Ryan accident investigation sites. Somebody’s SUV got crunched.
Vinnie: You gotta love a reliable revenue stream.
Caleca: Hey … you got my file on Heidi Hickman, right? About her leaking The Blueprint™ memo to Mandy Anderson?
Heidi Hickman
Caleca (rolls his eyes): Vinnie. The main reason she did it was you kept calling her Helga Hellscape.
Vinnie: Well, I can’t help it if she’s got a weird name.
Caleca: That’s not her name, Vinnie.
Vinnie: Whatever. At least you plugged the leak. That’s good. Good work there.
Caleca: Thanks, Vinnie. We gotta get you up to speed on the name thing, though. Some people don’t think it’s funny.
Vinnie: Whatever. You take care of that for me.
Caleca (sighs): I’ll do my best.
Vinnie: OK. Well, I gotta get goin’ here. Anything else?
Caleca: Yeah. One more thing ... you didn't actually write that mid-season review, did you?
Vinnie: What? Of course I did ... well, maybe not wrote it as such ...
Caleca: Did you even read it?
Vinnie: Of course I did. Well, most of it!
Vic "Missing Mumbai" Caleca
Vinnie: Some of it.
Caleca: Which part?
Vinnie: The part where it said, "Vic:." Then I got bored.
Caleca: OK. In a weird way, I feel better. Who actually wrote it? On second thought, don't tell me. I don't even want to know.
Vinnie: Atta boy. Ok now, I'm outta here. But get that French thing done, OK?
Caleca: That’s not happening, Vinnie.
Vinnie (undeterred): But don’t give away the store, OK?
Caleca: Not to worry, Vinnie. We won’t give away the store or anything else because that won’t be happening. I just thought I should let you know.
Vinnie: Uh huh. Maybe Sneaky Joe would want Loserville?
Caleca: Lorenzen. And I doubt it. Maybe I could trade him you …
Vinnie (laughs): I’m outta his price range. Go get that SUV, now.
Caleca: Yep, I’m almost there.
Vinnie: If it’s a nice one, send that to Boise! See ya!
(Call ends)
Caleca (hangs his head): Jesus. I wonder if Mumbai has any openings …
[Recording ends]