Mandy Anderson: Good evening everyone, and welcome to Black Sox Tonight. Our first story this evening concerns an extraordinary – and, some would say, extraordinarily silly – memo from General Manager Vic Caleca to the management staff of the franchise.
Mandy Anderson
(Cut to reporter Cliff Martin, standing outside Black Sox Park)
Cliff Martin: Thank you, Mandy. If you follow the Black Sox at all, you’ve no doubt seen, heard, or read references to something called “The Blueprint™” in recent days.
Black Sox Tonight was shown a copy of the memo by a member of the franchise front office who was partly bemused by its contents, and partly outraged.
The Blueprint™ is the brainchild of Sox owner Vinnie Vitale, who also owns and operates South Side Towing and a string of hazardous waste disposal companies. On the surface, the idea was simply to put a name to the team’s basic philosophy of play and player development.
But a closer look reveals something, well, goofier, is really behind it. Vitale, sources tell us, came up with the idea because he was jealous that the two BBA expansion teams – the Portland Lumberjacks and Charlotte Cougars – had come up with names for their team philosophies. The Plan™ in the case of Charlotte (via their GM's days in Nashville), and The Master Plan™ in the case of Portland.
Earlier today, we put the question to Vitale, himself.
(Cut to a shot of Sox owner Vinnie Vitale seated behind a huge executive desk in a paneled office decorated with large photos of Black Sox players, present and past, and one immense oil painting of Vinnie standing beside a South Side tow truck.)
Martin: Mr. Vitale, what is the thinking behind The Blueprint™ initiative?
Vinnie Vitale: Well, Cliff, the idea is simple, really. We were falling behind some of the other teams in the intellectual property arena, and we developed The Blueprint™ as our answer. Now, we are the undisputed leader in BBA intellectual property!
Martin: Um, well, that seems debatable. Those other teams got there first, for one thing. And, for the other, there doesn’t seem to be much in the way of intellect behind this. Isn’t it basically a cash grab? You’re trying to extract payment from anyone trying to use the term “Blueprint,” are you not?
Vinnie: Slander and libel, Cliff. Slander and libel. We’re doing nothing of the sort – we have only gone after anyone trying to use The Blueprint™, in violation of our pending trademark.
(The view cuts back to Martin in front of the stadium.)
Cliff Martin
(Cut to taped interview with the school principal, Dr. Edgar Neumann, who is standing outside the large high school building and looks both annoyed and perplexed.)
Edgar Neumann: Well, Cliff, I’m not sure what to tell you – a couple of days ago we received a registered letter from a Mr. Manny Moretti, an attorney representing the Black Sox, who asked us to either cease and desist calling our student paper The Blueprint, or pay a licensing fee to the Black Sox.
Martin: And how large was the fee, Dr. Neumann?
Neumann: It was an annual fee of $75,500, which is just absurd. For one thing, our paper has been called The Blueprint for the past 76 years, and I don’t even know what the heck the Black Sox thing is.
Martin: The team says it’s valuable intellectual property.
Neumann (scoffs): What’s intellectual about that? We’ve referred the matter to the school district’s attorney. I can tell you three things: 1) We’re not going to change the name of our student newspaper; 2) we’re not going to be bullied by a tow truck operator; and 3) as of two days ago, I became a Yellow Springs Nine fan.
Martin (facing the camera, with Neumann – now wearing a Yellow Springs baseball cap – in the background): Back to you, Mandy.
(Camera cuts to Mandy Anderson back in the studio, with Malcolm Wilkes sitting next to her.)
Mandy: I’m joined now by Malcolm Wilkes, my co-host on Excuse My Interjection and the Heartland Division columnist for BBA Weekly.
So, Malcolm, what is the significance of The Blueprint™ in your eyes?
Malcolm Wilkes: The significance? I think I would need access to the Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory’s TEAM 0.5 transmission electron microscope – the most powerful microscope in existence – to even find a trace of significance to The Blueprint™.
Mandy: OK. I agree this seems pretty silly, but doesn’t it at least spell out some operating principles for the team?
Malcolm Wilkes
Mandy (laughs): Well, when you put it that way …
Malcolm: How else would you put it? Look, I’ve talked to some of Chicago’s minor league folks, and they’re openly laughing at that goofy memo. I understand why Caleca felt he had to send it – he works for a crazy man. But to require all the managers to refer to The Blueprint™ in all of their interviews and press releases? The word for that is “Whack.”
Mandy: So you don’t think there is anything especially noteworthy in the contents of The Blueprint™?
Malcolm (sneers): Noteworthy? (Assumes pompous posture and tone as he quotes from the memo) “We will emphasize pitching, defense and OBP …” (laughs) Yeah, you and every other team since the sport was invented.
(Camera focuses in on Mandy)
Mandy: So, there you have it. The Blueprint™ explained: simplistic baseball strategy combined with an attempt to extort money out of a suburban high school. Sounds to us like it’s more a blueprint for greed than any kind of high-minded baseball strategy.
We pause now for a commercial break, but coming up next on Black Sox Tonight: why can’t The Black Sox break the .500 mark?
Malcolm: Hmmph. Maybe they should chuck The Blueprint™ and try a Design? Or maybe a Scheme? Or maybe just try playing better baseball … there’s a thought!
(The camera pulls back, showing the studio, as the picture fades and commercials begin).
