Sox Scoops 40.69: "Of Archer, Pinheads, And A Minor League Tour"

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Sox Scoops 40.69: "Of Archer, Pinheads, And A Minor League Tour"

Post by HoosierVic » Mon Oct 14, 2019 10:32 pm

[Video clip from iMac camera]

(The view from a desktop camera shows the office of Black Sox GM Vic Caleca, a fairly bare-bones affair with a small desk, an office chair, and two chairs facing the desk, where visitors sit. Most of the desk is taken up with an oversized iMac computer. There’s a knock on the door.)

Vic Caleca: Door’s open, come on in!

Image
Justin Archer
(Sox relief pitcher Justin Archer, dressed in jeans and a University of Alabama polo shirt, pushes open the door and approaches the desk. He has a scowl on his face.)

Caleca (nods at him, cordial but no more, pointedly does not ask him to sit down): Archer. Thanks for coming up.

Archer: Yeah, well, skip (Manager Bret Richards) said you wanted to see me.

Caleca: Yes, I did. (Pauses a moment) You aren’t happy here, are you, Archer?

Archer (with his hand on the back of one of the chairs in front of Caleca’s desk): I like my teammates. I like my manager. I hate this cold, Yankee city. I liked playing in Huntsville.

Caleca: Uh, huh. Well, Huntsville doesn’t have a team anymore, now does it?

Archer: Thanks to that rat bastard Vinnie Vitale, no it doesn’t.

Caleca: Well, Vinnie owns this team and – as long as the league agrees – he can do with it what he wants. Turns out, he and the league both wanted the team to move here. You’re gonna have to accept that, Archer.

Archer: Screw that.

Caleca: Well, I see that I need to explain the ways of the world to you here, Mr. Archer. Until you can afford to buy the team from Vinnie, it’s going to be here in Chicago.

Archer: Oh, please. This ain’t even Chicago. It’s Calumet f*&$ing City. And if there’s a sorrier looking place on the planet, I don’t know where it would be.

Caleca: Our stadium – which is state-of-the-art, by the way – is in Calumet City, but our fan base is Chicago. All of Chicago. And there is nothing wrong with Cal City, by the way. I’ve seen almost every block of it …

Archer (snickers): Yeah, driving one of Vinnie’s tow trucks. Our team is run by a tow truck driver.

Caleca (frowns at Archer): Uh huh. You really are a pinhead, aren’t you Archer? Make fun of the guy who decides whether you stay in the majors – with your ERA over 8 and your 14 walks and 14 strikeouts.

Archer: What are you sayin’?

Caleca: What I’m saying is I hear Cape Hatteras is real nice this time of year, and I know you’re gonna enjoy it.

Archer: Oh, man … you are not sending me back to Carolina. I won’t do it.

Image
GM Vic Caleca
Caleca: You will unless I decide to send you to Beloit instead …

Archer: Aw, hell no. You will not send me to AA …

Caleca: Or Grand Junction, maybe. I’m not even real sure where that is, but I can Google it for you.

Archer: You would not send me to A ball. Just shut up with that shit.

Caleca: You’re right. Our A-ball team is off to a really great start and they’re hitting on all cylinders right now. I wouldn’t want you to screw ‘em up.

So Carolina it is, Justin. Take some time down there to think about things a little and work on your game. If you decide you want to pitch in the big leagues for the Chicago Black Sox – and prove to me that you can do it – we’ll call you back up pronto and you can pitch your way to the Hall of Fame.

Archer: Aw man …

Caleca: Or, I can arrange a grand tour of our minor league system for you – hell, there’s San Pedro de Macoris … don’t rightly know where that is, either, but it sounds warm. Maybe you’d like that? Or Monclova – I definitely don’t know where that is, but you can tell me when you get there.

Archer: Screw you, Caleca. You can’t send me to Rookie Ball … I’m too old for Rookie Ball.

Image
Grand Junction (Pssst. It's in Colorado)
Caleca: Not too old to roll the tarp out, are ya? Hell, work hard, maybe you could be head groundskeeper. In Monclova. Wherever the hell that might be.

Archer: Aw, crap.

Caleca: Yeah. Crap. Now, Justin, I’ve gotta get going because I’ve got a tow truck shift, as you so rightfully pointed out, to work in about an hour. And you, my friend, need to get yourself packed, ‘cause Carolina has a road game tomorrow in Gotham, and I know they’re gonna want your expert help on the mound.

Archer: Damn it.

Caleca: Yep. Hey, check with Bill McGuffin on the way out – I think he’s got your plane ticket for ya.

Archer: Screw you.

Caleca (hits the intercom button his desk): Bill, this is Vic. Can you exchange Justin's business class ticket for one in coach? See if you can get him way towards the back of the plane.

McGuffin (the Asst. GM, speaking over the intercom): Back of the plane. Yes sir.

(At this, Archer whirls, utters a few more expletives, and stomps out of the office.)

Caleca (looks after him and shakes his head. Then he pulls his computer keyboard over and calls up Google): I really ought to figure out where Grand Junction is before I send that pinhead down there next …

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Re: Sox Scoops 40.69: "Of Archer, Pinheads, And A Minor League Tour"

Post by shoeless.db » Tue Oct 15, 2019 8:08 am

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
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-- Vic Caleca Team News Award Winner 2052
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Life is a bit more beautiful when time is measured by the half inning rather than the half hour.

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Re: Sox Scoops 40.69: "Of Archer, Pinheads, And A Minor League Tour"

Post by bschr682 » Tue Oct 15, 2019 9:47 am

Hah
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Re: Sox Scoops 40.69: "Of Archer, Pinheads, And A Minor League Tour"

Post by jleddy » Tue Nov 12, 2019 12:51 am

#FREEARCHER
"My $#!? doesn't work in the playoffs." - Billy Beane Joe Lederer

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