(Intro music: Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Sweet Home Alabama” plays over opening credits. A mobile Phantoms Tonight set has been put up in an empty parking lot, with Huntsville’s Opera House stadium in the background.)
Mandy Anderson: Good evening, everyone. And welcome to a special edition of Phantoms Tonight … special, because as stunned Huntsville fans learned this morning, the Phantoms have left town.
Let’s go to our Cliff Martin for an update …
Cliff Martin: Thanks, Mandy. As you may have heard, a fan organization here in Huntsville has been trying to get a temporary court restraining order against Phantoms owner Vinnie Vitale and the Phantoms organization. Their goal was keep the team from moving any of its equipment or other property while a lawsuit is prepared to block the Phantoms’ move to Chicago.
Cliff Martin
The Phantoms, it appears, have skipped town.
Mandy: Thanks for that update, Cliff. And, by the way, nice hat!
Cliff: Thanks, Mandy. Very reportorial, I think …
Mandy: Something like that.
Now, for more on this story … (Mandy puts a hand up to the earpiece in her left ear, and holds up her other hand, signaling to take a moment). Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I’m told by our control booth that we have Phantoms owner Vinnie Vitale on the line. Can we put him on the air?
(A photo of Vitale appears on screen, and a voice comes through loud and clear)
Phantoms owner Vinnie Vitale
Vinnie Vitale: Mandy?
Mandy: Mr. Vitale, is that you?
Vinnie: Larger than life, Mandy. Larger than life. So, I understand you’re discussing our departure tonight. You guys missed the big move, you know.
Mandy: Well, apparently. When did you move out of the Opera House?
Vinnie: Oh, we did a couple days ago, Mandy. Early Sunday morning, in fact. You know, those fellas at SAP – or maybe I should say the saps at SAP – kept running their mouths about how they were gonna get a restraining order, and then we felt … um … constrained to get the hell outta Dodge before that happened, you know?
Mandy: Well some here are saying it was a cowardly move … you skulked out of town without giving anyone a chance to …
Vinnie: Stop us from doing that? Yeah, I know. We’re bad. Sue us … oh, wait. It might be a little late for that (laughs).
Mandy: Don’t you feel you owe the people of Huntsville their day in court?
Vinnie: Are you kidding? This is my team. I paid for it. The BBA asked me – they asked me, mind you – if I would like to move the team in time for next season, and I said yes. We appreciate the … very lukewarm … fan support from the people of Huntsville, but what I do with MY team is my business.
And I choose to move it to a toddlin’ town (laughs).
Mandy: I’m speechless.
Mandy Anderson
Mandy: Oh no, Vinnie, tell me you didn’t …
Vinnie: And we found a late model Mercedes this evening that was parked straddling the line in front of one of the meters out front of the Opera House, and it was our civic duty …
Mandy: Damn it Vinnie, did you tow my car again? To your impound lot?
Vinnie: Well, ma’am, our impound lot there in Huntsville has closed due to our move from your fair city. But our overflow lot in Dolton, Illinois, is open for business …
Mandy: Damn it, Vinnie!
Vinnie: I do believe you know the address of our Dolton facility, since you visited us there just recently. You know, you really should be more careful about observing the parking ordinances of your fair city …
Mandy: (Buries her head in her hands)
Vinnie: All right then, Miss Anderson. It’s been nice visiting with you. Safe travels to Dolton … (line goes dead).
Mandy: Oh my God. Go to commercial, please … We’ll be right back …
(The picture fades to black, then cuts to a commercial for Publix grocery stores …)
