Huntsville Headlines 39.040: The Trade

[HoosierVic]

(Snippet from WUMP, Sportsradio .730 in Huntsville)

Caller: … I thought they were supposed to be rebuilding, anyway. What the hell are they doing trading prospects for … for … Jesus … relief pitchers?

Host Bo “Bubba” Hotchkins: Well, what do you expect? I heard that Caleca fella is from Chicago, anyway. Them Yankee-fellas have elevators that don’t go to the top floor, if ya know what I mean …

Caller: I know! What a dumbass …

Bubba: Hey, hey. Gotta watch the language. (Laughs) But I cain’t disagree.

(Segment of "Johnson Jottings" column in BBA Weekly by Malcolm Wilkes)

… It defies belief, really.

I mean, the team bumbles and stumbles its way into 3 games out of the Wild Card and this idiot thinks it’s really a contender? So you package two premium prospects for decent – but no more than that – relievers?

One thing you can definitely say is that fella from Omaha really rolled the Phantoms GM.

Whatta dumbass!

(More from WUMP Sportsradio)

Caller: … and you know what else? I’m glad they’re moving to Chicago. Get their sorry butts outta my city, know what I mean?

Bubba: I hear ya!

Caller: I mean what an asinine move. Dumbass.

Bubba: (Sighs, yells to studio engineer): We gotta put this thing on delay. I can’t control ‘em anymore.

Folks, we gotta watch the language or we’re gonna get hammered by the FCC.

Caller: Well, Bubba, someone would need to complain, and I don’t know that anyone would after that trade. Dumbass is as dumbass does. Know what I mean?

(Inside the office of Phantoms’ owner Vinnie Vitale.)

(There’s a knock on the door and GM Vic Caleca sticks his head in. Vitale motions him to a chair across from his desk).

Caleca: You wanted to see me, boss?

Vitale: Yeah, Vic, I did. I just wanted to congratulate you on that move you made last night.

Caleca: You do? You thought it was a good trade?

Vitale: Oh, hell no. It’s a terrible trade. Just brutal. Reminds me of that old Chicago Cubs deal, you know, the one where they traded Lou Brock – he went to the Hall of Fame, you know – for a has-been named Ernie Broglio. And he, Broglio, most certainly did not go to the Hall of Fame. Hall of Infamy, maybe ...

Caleca: (Wary) So, what did you want you want to congratulate me for?

Vitale: Because! Everybody’s so pissed off at you, they completely forgot about me. In fact, I’ve got a whole in-basket of Tweets, texts, e-mails, and holo-messages thanking me for getting the team the hell out of Huntsville!

Caleca: Um … you’re welcome?

Vitale: Ok. Get outta here. Just watch yourself going forward, OK? No more trades. Period. Draft. Sign a free agent or two. Check out the international guys. But no trading. ‘Cause you know what?

Caleca: What?

Vitale: You really are kind of a dumbass.

(Inside Caleca’s car, stopped at a red light near the Huntsville stadium)

(A battered old Ford Ranger pickup truck pulls up beside Caleca’s Honda Accord. The driver of the truck looks over and does a double-take. WUMP Sportsradio is blaring from the pickup’s radio)

Pickup driver: (Puts down his window and yells out): Hey, you that guy from the baseball team?

Caleca: (Sighs audibly): Yep, sure am.

Pickup driver: Nice humpin’ trade, moron.

Caleca: (Grimaces, then shrugs as the light changes)

Pickup Driver: (Laughing as he pulls away): What a dumbass!

[shoeless.db]

According to Pope Playing Pepper's top unpaid intern, Wasim Jeffers Jr., Dooley contracted Herpes from a one-night stand with some bar-floozy in Beloit, and that's, obviously, never good for development. I'd show you the analytics of Herpes' effect on development, but I can't seem to figure out Ron's spreadsheets.

(Edited to correct the incorrect usage of affect/effect)

[shoeless.db]

(also, stealing format)

[RonCo]

but I can't seem to figure out Ron's spreadsheets.

Neither can I.