(Intro music: Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Sweet Home Alabama” plays over opening credits)
Mandy Anderson: Good evening, and welcome to “Phantoms Tonight,” your source for news, analysis and the inside dope on those turncoat carpet-bagging-soon-to-be-Chicago-Black-Sox Huntsville Phantoms.
But at least we’re not bitter!
Mandy Anderson
Wilkes: Hey, Mandy.
Sawyer: Thanks for having us!
Anderson: Well, to start things off, we had rather unusual news coming out of The Opera House today: a trade!
Greenwald: Come on now, everyone knows Huntsville doesn’t trade.
Anderson: I kid you not! General Manager Vic Caleca said this afternoon that the Phantoms sent infielder Hakim Ngowa to California for outfield prospect Jim Lorenzen and shortstop prospect Juan Lozano.
Greenwald: Oh, OK then. I’m still right. Huntsville doesn’t trade.
Anderson: What do you mean, Bill?
Greenwald: I mean, you call that a trade? A utility infielder whose playing time just got whacked when they called up Rocky Wattson to play second, for a couple of A-ball prospects?
Bill Greenwald
Wilkes: I’ve gotta agree. That sounds more like a cry for help than a trade.
Anderson: Oh, come on guys, it’s more than that.
Wilkes: Well, OK, let’s look at this a minute. You know the RonCo Data Co., which does a bunch of statistical analysis of the BBA, noted that Huntsville’s minor league system has … let’s see … what’d he call it? “A helluva mess of fish” when it comes to outfield prospects – he counted up seven of ‘em. Now, you can make it eight.
Quick question …
Anderson: What’s that?
Wilkes: Just what in the hell are they doing over there? They’ve got like one so-so catching prospect in the entire system and terrible pitching prospects, and they get another outfielder?
I tell ya, Huntsville is going to be so happy to ship these clowns up to Chicago.
Sawyer: Well, not that I’m condoning this trade in any way, because I’m not, but I can give you at least a little rationale for it.
Malcolm Wilkes
Sawyer: As you know, the rumors are hot and heavy that Vinnie Vitale …
Anderson: The Phantoms new owner.
Sawyer: Right, the Phantoms new owner … anyway, the word is that Vitale wants to model the team’s new stadium in Calumet City after the old MLB’s Comiskey Park, which was home to the Chicago White Sox for decades. And it was a pitchers’ park.
Wilkes: OK, and that explains the trade for Lorenzen how?
Sawyer: I was getting to that, Malcolm. The main thing about Lorenzen isn’t his bat, which is pretty average. It’s his fielding – and specifically his range, which is excellent. If that new park really does have a big outfield, they’re going to need a centerfielder who can cover a lot of ground. Lorenzen does that.
Wilkes: Still, that’s a stretch, isn’t it? You trade a proven big league infielder for an A-ball outfielder who could maybe play in a hypothetical pitchers park?
Sawyer: Just trying to shed a little light …
Greenwald: Well, it makes more sense than what I heard.
Anderson: Really? What did you hear?
Greenwald: I heard … and, granted, this is from an unpaid intern for some show called Pope Playing Pepper that covers the Crusaders out in California. Anyway, Wasim … he’s the intern … said he was in the bar where Caleca and the Crusaders GM, Shoeless …
Wilkes: Sounds like a bad W.P. Kinsella short story …
Greenwald: Just let me finish, will you? Wasim said he was listening in on the conversation between the two GMs, and that Shoeless was making the case that Lorenzen really wishes he were an infielder, so it’s not like he was getting another outfielder …
Sawyer: Oh for God’s sake. That’s absurd.
Greenwald: Just telling you what I heard.
Sawyer: Look, Caleca’s one weird dude, and I’m willing to believe just about anything, but that’s a little bit out there even for me.
Beauregard Sawyer IV
Greenwald: Whatever. Wasim seemed pretty sure.
Sawyer: Well, if Wasim is so reputable, why doesn’t he have a paying gig?
Greenwald: All right. I’m done.
Sawyer: One other thing on the trade, by the way. The other kid involved … Lozano. His reputation is great fielding shortstop with a lot of range and so-so hitting. That kind of fits with the idea of trying to improve the “up-the-middle” defense for a pitchers’ park.
Wilkes: It makes sense, sure. But you know what would make more sense? Get some good fielders who can also hit the freakin’ ball. It’s not like Huntsville is overrun with those.
Sawyer: Yeah, but you’re probably not going to get that for Ngowa.
Wilkes: Well, you got me there.
Anderson: OK, everyone. That’s all the time we have for this segment. Stick around, though. You’ll want to see this. Next up: Could Crimson Tide Coaching Legend Nick Saban, at age 87, kick Vinnie Vitale’s ass from here to Calumet City? Our holographic simulation answers the question!
And here’s a hint: Roll Tide …
(Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Gimme Three Steps” plays into the commercial break…)