Huntsville Headlines 38.001: A rambling, graceless entrance

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Huntsville Headlines 38.001: A rambling, graceless entrance

Post by HoosierVic » Thu May 02, 2019 9:55 pm

Baseball News Network Announcer: In just a few moments, we’ll take you live to Huntsville, Alabama, for the introductory press conference of the Phantoms’ new General Manager, Vic Caleca, who was a surprise hire earlier this week.

He comes to Huntsville from the Mumbai Metro Stars of the Unified Middle East Baseball Association, where his team, at the time, was leading the Bancroft League standings by a couple of games.

OK, we see him entering the press room, so we take you there now …

(The scene shifts to a half-filled press room, where Caleca stands at a lectern decorated with a copper and black Huntsville Phantoms logo, fiddling with the microphone).

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New GM Caleca
Caleca: I don’t really have prepared remarks as such, other than I’m really glad to be here in Huntsville with this talented team and front office staff. And, if you all have any questions, I’m here to answer ‘em to the best of my ability.

Reporter: Bill Greenwald, CBS News 19, sir. Um, you’ve actually been in town for several days, have you not? But we’re told you didn’t even stop by your office until this morning … were you reluctant to come to Huntsville?

Caleca: Well … Bill, was it? … Bill, I was not at all reluctant to come to Huntsville, but I was a little wary about showing my face around the stadium here until I was sure my predecessor had left town.

Greenwald: There were reports of trouble between your predecessor, Kyle Stever, and the owner, Mike Voelker.

Caleca: Yeah, they apparently had a little dustup over a directive that Mr. Voelker had sent him.

Greenwald: A directive?

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Bill Greenwald
Caleca: Yes sir. Mr. Voelker sent an email that Mr. Stever took, um, severe exception to.

Greenwald: Do you have any idea what it was about?

Caleca: Well now, yes I do. And after getting here and taking a look at our roster and studying our record a little and talking to some folks, I think it was a reasonable request by Mr. Voelker.

Greenwald: And what was the request?

Caleca: (Fishes a sheet of paper out of his sports jacket pocket, smoothes it out on the lectern and puts on a pair of reading glasses). Well now, Mr. Voelker wrote, and I quote here: ‘No more goddamn lefthanders.’ End quote.

(General laughter in the pressroom. Caleca points to another reporter who has raised his hand)

Caleca: Yes ma’am.

Reporter: Sophie MacRath, The Huntsville Times. There were reports, Mr. Caleca, of a violent altercation after Kyle received that email. Do you know anything about that?

Caleca: Well, if you mean violent like hitting somebody or that kind of thing, no there was nothing like that. But there was some violence, shall we say, against property.

MacRath: Property? What do you mean?

Caleca: Well, ma’am, in the hallway outside the general manager’s office, there was a large – and very tasteful, I have to say – oil painting of Mr. Voelker standing at home plate in our beautiful stadium here, and there was some violence done to that.

Reporter: Malcolm Wilkes, BBA Weekly, sir. What exactly do you mean there was violence done to the painting? He ripped it off the wall or something?

Caleca: No sir. He apparently took a handgun – someone told me in the office it was a Glock 9x19mm – and shot a pattern into the painting.

Wilkes: What do you mean, a pattern?
Image
Malcolm Wilkes
Caleca: Well, he shot a large “F” and a large “U” into the painting.

Greenwald: FU? You mean like “Fed Up” or something?

Caleca: You don’t get out much, do you, son? Well, if you want to think he meant ‘Fed Up,’ well, that would be lovely. You go right ahead and think that.

MacRath: And that was why you delayed your arrival, you were worried that Mr. Stever might still be around?

Caleca: Well, let me just say that I have the utmost respect for what Mr. Stever accomplished here with the Phantoms, and I am most impressed by the thought he put into assembling the roster he did to take advantage of the eccentricities of our ballpark, the short fences in right, especially. I just think that Mr. Voelker thought he took the whole left-handed hitter thing to an extreme.

MacRath: OK, that didn’t answer my question …

Caleca: Well, I was getting to that. Now, much as I admire Mr. Stever’s baseball mind, I admire his marksmanship much more. I was told he was firing from something like 15 feet away, and the intricacies of that “F” and that “U” were very impressive.


Wilkes: Surely, you weren’t afraid he would do anything to you, were you?


Caleca: Son, you have to respect – and fear, a little bit - anyone who’s that passionate about southpaws. So, yes, I was a little bit worried.
Image
Sophie MacRath
Wilkes: And what changed your mind?

Caleca: Well, I got an email from Kyle this morning wishing me well, and telling me to enjoy the job.

Wilkes: And that reassured you enough to come into the office?

Caleca: Well, that and the Kevlar underwear the team bought me this morning.

(General uproar in the pressroom. A team assistant enters from a side door, and ushers Caleca out of the room as Asst. GM John Pruitt takes over the lectern).

Pruitt: OK, folks. Settle down. Mr. Caleca is a little tired from his morning here … he’s still a little, um, jet lagged from his flight from Mumbai, so he’s going to take a little rest. We’ll let you know when his next availability will be …

(Picture cuts back to a bemused-looking BBN announcer.)

Announcer: That was not exactly what we expected. I’m sure you’ll hear more discussion of this later today on "BBA Tonight." For now, though, we’ll get you back to our regular programming, "As the Brewster Turns," already in progress.

(Screen cuts to a sobbing woman. "You don't respect me!" A sober-looking man shakes his head, then replies: "I don't respect any analysis that uses RBIs to make a point …)

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Re: Huntsville Headlines 38.001: A rambling, graceless entrance

Post by usnspecialist » Fri May 03, 2019 12:39 am

That would be an underreaction if stever was told he couldn't have any more lefties...
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Re: Huntsville Headlines 38.001: A rambling, graceless entrance

Post by felipe » Sat May 04, 2019 4:22 am

Awesome!

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Re: Huntsville Headlines 38.001: A rambling, graceless entrance

Post by bschr682 » Tue May 07, 2019 9:51 pm

excellent
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