21.1. An Ode to Stu

[agrudez]

*A clearly distraught young man can be seen pacing around an expensive looking office - followed closely by a much older gentleman that resembles Droopy Dog.*

K: "Jim! Get the hell in here, NOW!"

J: "I've been behind you the entire time."

K: "Oh, good, sorry I didn't see you there. Has anyone ever told you that it is easy to not notice you in a crowd?"

J: "Only every girl in my high school senior class."

K: "Hm. Anyway, I'm glad you're here now."

J: "Like I said, I've been-"

K: (interrupting) "I wanted to ask you what the heck the guy before me was doing."

J: "In what regard?"

*Kyle shoots Jim an annoyed look*

K: "The roster, Jim... what the hell else would I mean?"

J: "Well, he did a really good job decorating..."

K: (ignoring) "Anyway, back to the point, what was he thinking?"

J: "I think he wanted to build through pitching with guys like A-Rod and Miller and defense with guys like Lancaster."

K: "And what do you think about that strategy?"

J: "Well, Lancaster is my 4 year old son and I's favorite player and-"

K: (interrupting) "Consider him gone."

J: "Oh... but I already machine washed the jersey I got him for Christmas... he's going to be devastated."

K: (interrupting) "Well, I think the strategy sucks. I mean, pitching and defense doesn't win you anything!"

J: "But what about that old adage-"

K: (interrupting) "Did you say old? Were you talking about Nevel, Jr.? Let's trade that guy, too."

J: "I don't think anyone would want him, sir."

K: "Hm, yeah, probably right - can't blame 'em. Remind me to light his ass on fire this season."

J: "Do you mean light a fire under his ass?"

K: (ignoring) "Sure, whatever."

J: "You were saying about the roster?"

K: "Oh, right. Have you looked at it lately? Our lineup SUCKS!"

J: "Well we have Lindsey and Guerrero and Lancaster-"

K: (interrupts) "Not anymore."

J: (a tear rolling down his cheek) "Oh, right..."

K: "And those other two guys SUCK!"

J: "They combined for 4.1 WAR last year and 5.7 the year before and neither one is even in their late 20s year and-"

K: (interrupts) "But they are..." (pauses for dramatic effect) "RIGHT-HANDED!"

J: "Well, yes, but..."

K: "I REFUSE to go into a season with EIGHT of my nine everyday started stricken with..." (gasps and then switches to a spooky voice) "right-handed-it is."

J: "Is that even a thing?"

K: "It once was and is again, Jim. Break open your Webster's and pencil it in. Now, back to what we are going to do about this mess of a lineup?"

J: "Well, we can call up our top prospect."

K: "How is Feliciano going to help our lineup?"

J: "Well, I meant Carter, he had a 106 OPS+ in AAA last year and-"

K: "Have you been listening at all?! He's got..." (pauses for effect and switches to a spooky voice) "right-handed-it is".

J: "Yes, but-"

K: (interrupts) "I'd rather call up Workman."

J: "But, but... he's only 19! And he had a 50 OPS+ in AAA last year!"

K: "But what DOES he have that neither you and Carter do?"

J: "A high school degree?"

K: "No, he doesn't have one of those either."

J: "Oh, hmm..."

K: "He's left-handed!"

J: "Oh, right."

K: "That's it, I want him called up to the majors TODAY!"

J: "But it is January... and what about Curry?"

K: "Trade him."

J: "Surely we can't trade every-"

K: (interrupts) "And why the hell not? I own this team!"

J: "Well, actually you don-"

K: (interrupts) "And while you're at it, trade that Miller guy, too... I'm a Blue Moon man."

J: "But he is one of the best young pitchers in the league, and my 6 year old daughter's favo-"

K: (interrupts) "In fact, trade all of this slop! That's it... we're blowing this up!"

*Kyle begins to chant, 'oi oi oi'*

K: "I'm T.N.T, I'm dynamite! T.N.T and I'll win this fight!

*Jim shakes his head and turns to walk out the door, but, before he crosses the threshold he turns back once more to interrupt the chorus.*

J: "By the way, boss, are you sure THIS is what you want your first article back in the league to be about? You don't want to conduct an analysis on the correlation between in-game pitcher usage and injury history, form an assessment of the relational development curves of high school draftees and international free agents or attempt to formulate a variant on a widely accepted sabremetric? You want to go with-

K: (interrupting him) "Watch me explooooooooooode!"

J: "Yes, sir. Watching you explode, sir.

K: "Christ, Jim... PHRASING!"

[cheekimonk]

Boss!

[avery]

Wow, wo

[Blue]

[BBvideo 425,350][/BBvideo]

[felipe]

what a strange way to write an article...yet...I think its your best ever!