Mandy Anderson: Good evening, Sox fans! It’s been a busy few weeks for the Black Sox, and tonight we welcome a very special guest to help catch everyone up on the latest news: Chicago’s general manager, Benny Vitale.
Mandy Anderson
Benny: Good evening, Ms. Anderson.
Mandy: Oh please, call me Mandy!
Benny: Um, yes. Ms. Anderson.
Mandy (unfazed): So, let me just ask, how would you evaluate the offseason for the Black Sox so far?
Benny: Well, Ms. Anderson, when we entered the offseason, we had four big goals: sign our rotation ace, Amayas Moelling, to a long-term contract extension; sign our excellent second baseman Rocky Wattson to a long-term extension; acquire a third baseman who can at least hold his own at the plate and field the position well; acquire a left fielder who could bring us some power at the plate and field his position well.
Mandy: And you’ve accomplished all of those?
Benny: Why yes, Ms. Anderson, we have. Mr. Moelling’s new contract has been covered extensively, so I won’t go into detail here. But we were pleased with it. We’re also pleased with the extension we’ve worked out with Mr. Wattson. It took awhile to get it done, but we finally did.
Mandy: And what were the main sticking points?
Benny: Well, the main sticking point was that Mr. Wattson wanted us to negotiate a separate contract with his renowned mustache. We demurred and there was a period where talks stalled, but once we assured Mr. Wattson that we would provide for care of his mustache in the main contract, talks proceeded apace.
Rocky Wattson
Benny: As you know, it’s a 6-year extension worth a total of $73.5 million, of which $48.5 million is guaranteed. We hold team options on the final two years of the contract, although we certainly expect we’ll want Mr. Wattson to continue playing for us in 2050 and 2051.
Mandy: So, what did you do to provide for Rocky’s mustache?
Benny (smiles slightly): We have promised to stock the clubhouse with season-long supplies of Hawkins & Brimble barber grade elemi and ginseng mustache wax, which is Mr. Wattson’s preferred brand.
Mandy: Mustache wax?
Benny: If you have seen Mr. Wattson’s mustache up close, you know it’s quite the feat of engineering. Not just any wax has the required tensile strength to hold the ends perfectly perpendicular during game conditions.
Mandy (blinks): Um, no, I suppose not.
Benny: The fact of the matter is that Mr. Wattson is our best position player, period. It made so sense to us to simply let him leave the Sox – the only team he has ever played for – without doing whatever we could to make him happy here. Suffice it to say, we have accomplished that through generous monetary terms and no small amount of Hawkins & Brimble. We look forward to a long and fruitful continuing relationship.
Mandy: The Sox recently released outfielder Grant Lee, we noticed. Why was he cut loose?
Benny: As you know, Ms. Anderson, the Brewster Baseball Association has a $110 million salary cap, and we were in danger of going over the limit – not this season, but in 2046. Mr. Lee had made it known that he was not happy here because he was not starting, but given that he had difficulty hitting .200 from either side of the plate, that simply wasn’t in the cards. He was due to earn $8.5 million in 2046 and 2047 – which was money we could use to get under the cap.
Mandy: But you still need to pay him, right?
Benny (sighs): Indeed, we do. But our owner – Mr. Vincent Vitale – raised our budget by $10 million a week or so ago, which gave us the cushion we needed to be able to cut Mr. Lee and carry his contract as a miscellaneous player expense, which does not count against the cap.
So, we thank Mr. Vitale for his generosity and commitment to making the Black Sox competitive.
Mandy: Wow. So, Vinnie was OK with using that money to just cut Lee loose?
Benny: Yes. Mr. Vitale told me he doesn’t trust Grant Lee because, and I quote: “He can’t make up his mind whether he’s Union or Confederate.” Vincent told me that if he was named after Robert E. Lee, then he’s a stinking traitor, and if he was named after Ulysses S. Grant, he’s probably some kind of booze hound. And if he was named after both, he’s just a mess.
Mandy: So, he was OK with eating the contract?
Benny: Mr. Vitale pretty much insisted on it.
Mandy: Ah. Well, I assume cutting Lee also made it easier to sign William Wood from free agency?
Benny: It did make it possible for us to make an offer we were reasonably certain he would accept. And, because it’s a one-year contract, it does not impact 2046, where our cap margin will be tight.
Mandy: What made Wood an attractive acquisition?
Benny: He is a decent hitter – our scouts rate him as a 7 contact; 8 gap power; 9 home run power; 6 batting eye; and 6 avoid strikeouts against right-handed pitchers. He is also rated a 10 – on a 10-point scale – with his glove in left field.
Sox GM Benny Vitale
Benny: Exactly. That was our thinking in acquiring Jose Benevidez, as well. He does not hit as well as Tomas Duran, who played there last season, but Mr. Duran is … well, unfortunate in the field. Mr. Benevidez should hit acceptably and also provide excellent defense, which is a priority for us.
Mandy: There are rumors the Sox might try to bring back Diesel Dave, All Star … is there any truth to that?
Benny: Absolutely not. Mr. Dave has played his last game for Chicago.
Mandy: You thought he was really that bad a player?
Benny: He was terrible last season, yes, and was asking for an absurd contract. But he also did the unthinkable.
Mandy: The unthinkable?
Benny: Yes. He called me “Sweet Cheeks” in a meeting.
Mandy: Shut up! Did he really?
Benny: Sadly, yes.
Mandy: Death’s too good for him!
Benny: Well, we were rather thinking sound engineer for the "BBA Today," but whatever works …
Mandy: Damn. Well, Benny, we hope everything works out as you’ve planned this season. You’ve certainly kept yourself busy.
Benny: We try.
Mandy: Don’t go anywhere, Sox fans. We’ll be back after these messages!
Benny: Go Sox!
(Black Sox Tonight theme music plays, and a commercial for Hawkins & Brimble plays …)