November 7, 2062
by Banjo Jackson
Nashville, TN
In a move that could only be described as “boldly familial,” the Nashville Bluebirds have named Brand Michael as their new manager, succeeding legendary skipper Brent Ross, who announced his retirement this week with a shrug and a smirk.
Ross, 44, leaves behind a dynasty: three straight championships, four in seven years, and a win-loss record so dominant Vegas disallowed any future bets for the Bluebirds. His teams averaged a jaw-dropping 112 wins per season. Not bad for someone who was awarded the job via lottery. When asked why he chose now to walk away, Ross said “At some point, it just got boring. You know how people say it’s not about winning? Well, they’re wrong—it is. But when you win too much, it’s like beating a video game and forgetting why you started playing.”
Enter Brand Michael—youthful, energetic, and, not-so-coincidentally, the son of Bluebirds GM Chad Nason and brother of star Bluebirds SS Brooks Eliot. In a press conference that walked the tightrope between heartwarming and eyebrow-raising, Nason introduced his son with glowing praise.
New Bluebirds skipper, Brand Michael
“Brand has baseball in his blood, leadership in his DNA, and, obviously, good looks run in the family,” said the GM, ignoring several muffled laughs from the press row.
Brand, 30, has been the hitting coach for Nashville’s Short A Santo Domingo Sea Turtles since 2057. This came on the heels of a failed playing career.
“It’s an honor to follow in Brent’s footsteps,” Brand said. “I hope to continue the winning tradition in Nashville for years to come. Hopefully my children’s children will have a home in the front office here one day.”
Asked about accusations of nepotism, Brand smiled and replied, “I just wanted to get into the family business.”
Fans seem split. Super fan Hunter Cooper said, “Honestly, as long as we keep winning, they could let the team mascot run the clubhouse.” His friend Marcus was less excited, saying ”I was hoping for another lottery. I was ready to have my name etched into lore.”
As for Brent Ross, he says he plans to spend more time fishing, mentoring young coaches, and “maybe writing a book on how to win baseball games and pissing everyone off along the way.”
