Robins Counter Hurricanes with a Cyclone of their Own
(Bullpen Coach Jose Olvera using advanced sabermetrics to choose next pitcher)
Robins GM Alan Ehlers sits in his office. The room is an unkept mess with several empty bottles of Jack Daniels and 2 liter Cokes scattered throughout. He's in front of his laptop with a big shinny trophy on the corner. He does his best to sing a song, all while slurring his speech....
Yes, there were times
I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all
And I stood tall
And did it my way
When all of a sudden, there is a knock on the door.
Ehlers: Who is it?
Voice: It's me, Mindy(the GM's secretary). Are you busy? Can we talk?
Ehlers: Sure Mindy, come on in. I'm just finishing up polishing my trophy.
Mindy: Umm, polishing your trophy? Do you want me to give you another couple of minutes? Do you need a towel? Ugh
Ehlers: No, no no.... not that trophy, hahaha, I'm talking about the Geoghegan Trophy.
Mindy enters the room, pushing the bottles of Jack away with her feet as she approaches the desk.
Mindy: You know boss. It's 2035. The generation of "me too" is here. You really shouldn't be making all the jokes that you do. People are going to get offended and you might end up losing more fan interest.
Ehlers: People are offended? Well tell them to suck it. F'em if they can't take a joke.
Mindy: Tomas Valdez is here to see you.
Ehlers: I've been expecting him, send him in
Mindy leaves and Manager Tomas Valdez enters.
Valdez: I see you are working on the rotation for the Doubleday?
Ehlers: What? Oh, no, no, no. I'm playing the newest version of Outside the Park Baseball. I'm in this online league called MLB and I'm running a team called the Cincinnati Reds. My best player is Joey Votto. A great player but a real D-Bag. I'm thinking about writing some silly articles so I get some contribution points. Then I can use them to make him a little less of a d-bag.
Valdez: That's a thing? Man, imagine if we could do that here?
Ehlers: Trust me, I've thought about it. The first guy I would use that on is Carlos Camacho. He is a 6 tool player. Can run, hit for average, hit for power, has speed and can field.
Valdez: I've heard of a five tool player, but six? What is the sixth?
Ehlers: It's his personality. He is an absolute tool.
<dead silence fills the air>
Valdez: So anyway. Excellent decision on the infamous bullpen series.
Ehlers: Ah yes, the bullpen series. What better way to counter the Hurricanes then with a Cyclone of our own. Rotating pitchers in and out at a feverish pace to counter act their split heavy offense. mwuhahaha.
Valdez: So are we going to us the same philosophy throughout the playoffs?
Ehlers: Hell no! You see young Watson, the key to our approach is to be unpredictable. When becoming too unpredictable becomes predictable once again, it's time to mix it up. Besides. Mexico City is a totally different team. If there is one thing we know about Mexico City is that they can not hit homeruns. Enter secret weapon Juan Hernandez.
Valdez: Sir...
Ehlers: People thought I was crazy for acquiring Juan Hernandez, but I got him for this very reason.
Valdez: Umm sir...
Ehlers: Juan Hernandez is the exact pitcher who can shut down Mexico City's lineup.
Valdez: Sir, Juan Hernandez is ineligble for the post season..
Ehlers: Juan Hernandez is not eligible for the... wait what? What are you talking about?
Valdez: Juan Hernandez was not on the 40 man roster when the clock struck midnight on September first.
Ehlers: Who is the idiot responsible for this?
Valdez: Actually it's you sir. You've been bragging about how you've been DFA'ing Hernandez all season. You must have forgot that if he is not on the roster on September 1st, then he is not post season eligible.
Ehlers: Well duh.. I was so worried about making the playoffs, that's all that mattered. We had a 6 game roadie against Charm City and Phoenix. No way in hell I could let Juanny Longball suit up that week.
Valdez: Well, now he is ineligible for the post season.
Ehlers; Who makes these rules. Juan Hernandez pitched 173 innings, he won 14 games, he made the all star team for Christs sake. How is he not eligble but Ingo Bennaars, who pitched 5 useless innings is? That's it, I'm going to get this resolved right now....
Ehlers picks up the phone and calls the league offices.
Valdez: Any luck?
Ehlers: Well, let's just say there will be another 10 point fan interest deduction after the season and numerous public apologies. Good news. I didn't get kicked out of the league yet.
Valdez: Sounds good. Tell you what. We shouldn't discuss our strategy any futher. I get the sense that 29 other teams are listening at the door as we speak right now.
Ehlers: Don't be silly. Nobody ever reads these articles. Everyone else cranks out 30 second "My Team is Awesome" team news while I spend hours writing these instant classics and people only scroll through it just long enough to make sure I'm not talking shit about them. Speaking of which, I got one more joke to get in.... does anyone know what Huntsville's PYTH golf score is?
Valdez: On that note, let's get back to strategizing.
Ehlers: That's right. We got a Landis to win. Next stop is Mexico City. Bring you're umbrellas and raincoats. Not because of the weather though, 4 more wins and Brooklyn will be celebrating "a few(more) beers in!"
