Announcer Johnny Olson: Good evening! It's the moment you've been waiting for -- it's time for another edition of SSSS -- the Small Sample Size Show!
(Wild applause)
The Small Sample Size Show is the only program that dares to take an infinitesimal amount of data from the Brewster and draw wild and largely unsupported conclusions! Here is our host, former Hawaii Tropics star Jack "Pebbly Jack" Glasscock!
(Jack enters stage left to more applause)
Jack: Thanks, Johnny! And please give a warm welcome to my co-host, whose career was all about avoiding the waiver wire, former first-round-pick-turned-journeyman-pitcher Tully Crow!
(Equally wild applause)
Tully: Thanks, Jack, its always a thrill to join you for some high-level statistical analyses based on data that is best measured through an electron microscope!
Audience: It's a small sample size!
Tully: You got that right, folks! Hey Jack, I spent the off-season reading the Bill James Baseball Abstract, so I think I know a thing or two about statistical analyses and that sorta crap!
Jack: Hey, is it true they preserved Bill James's brain when he passed away a few decades ago?
(Audience gasps)
Tully: Yes, its true, and I hear that he's starting in right field for the El Paso Chilis!
(Audience roars in laughter)
Jack: OK, let's get down to business. This is a very special edition of the Small Sample Size Show, because tonight we're going to take a look at waiver wire claims in the Brewster this season!
(Audience wild applause)
Tully: We'll make sweeping declarations about whether the original team was foolish to let the player go for nothing--nothing!--by exposing him to a waiver claim, or whether the claiming team had its head up its spreadsheeted ass when it made the claim!
Jack: We're going to focus on April 17 of this year, when there were ten--that's right--ten separate waiver wire claims on a single day. Let's take a look:
Tully: Unfortunately we don't have time to look at all ten claims, but let's pick three, a starter, an outfielder and an infielder.
Jack: Only one starter was among the ten claimed players, that would be Ismael Guzman, claimed by the Des Moines Kernels from the Calgary Pioneers.
Tully: Guzman has started four games already for the Kernels, and that is more than enough of a track record to make a definitive judgement on this move, because it is a....
Audience: Small Sample Size!
Jack: Hah hah, that's right -- four whole games! So how's Guzman doing? The Pioneers last used him in 2045, and then stashed him at AAA last couple of seasons, so basically the poor guy wasn't given a fightin' chance.
Tully: But what about now? Take a look, let's go to the high-tech graphic:
(Crowd gasps)
Jack: Goodness, after starting a whopping four games for his new team, and pitching an amazing 29 innings, Ismael Guzman has proven without a doubt that the cocky, arrogant Pioneers should never have tried slipping him through waivers hoping no one would notice!
Tully: And now Guzman can rightly say, "Call me Ismael!"
(Audience laughs)
Tully: What better time for a song! Are you ready folks? Let's go!
(Tully leads audience in song)
(Crowd erupts in self-congratulatory applause)Shame on you, Calgary!
Shame on you!
You think your shit don't stink!
But it's poo!
You let Ismael go, silly you!
Shame on you, Calgary!
Shame on you!!
Jack: Goodness -- you are absolutely the best crowd we've had... all freaking day!
Tully: OK, let's move on to our next waiver wire claim, Virginia "In the" Rain claimed off waivers by Montreal while with Madison! Was this a bone-headed move by the Wolves? Let's take a look:
Tully (laughing): Someone better tell Virginia there is no Santa Claus!
(Audience erupts in laughter)
Jack: I'm speechless! This guy is useless! He has had three entire at-bats, more than enough time to prove himself, and failed to produce even a single hit! No wonder Madison tried demoting him!
Tully: Montreal's so-called 'brain trust' has got to be wondering how they can quickly escape further embarrassment. First, they claim a guy with a girl's name, and a pretty dumb nickname, and then he proves to be a total bust!
Jack: And we know that's true because it is a...
Audience: "Small sample size!!" (Wild applause)
Tully: Unfortunately we only have time for one more waiver claim. Let's look at this one: the Edmonton Jackrabbits claimed centerfielder Bart McIntosh off waivers from Jacksonville.
Jack: I'm almost afraid to look.
Tully: As am I, but it's the moment of truth. Was Bart a bust or a boon to the Jackrabbits? I'm sure our small sample size will reveal the truth:
(Audience screams in shock)
Jack: Would you look at that? Old Bart hadn't seen any action in the bigs since '44, and yet now he's a freakin' stud, with a .349 average and 8 RBI in 14 games since being claimed by the Jackrabbits!
Tully: That's right -- Bart is nearly a lock for the Hall of Fame, and the Jacksonville had no idea what talent it was sitting on! What a brilliant move by Edmonton GM Mike Dunn!
Jack: Ah, you're just saying that because Dunn is writing this script.
Tully: Damn straight I am!
(Audience roars in laughter except for seven Hurricanes fans)
Jack, in close-up: Unfortunately, that's all the time we have today. But I wanted to close with another song, one that I wrote myself. It is dedicated to all those players who faced the embarrassment of being claimed on the waiver wire, and then did well with their new team. This is for you, Bart McIntosh!
(Lights dim, crowd is hushed)
Jack grabs microphone and croons:
(Audience breaks into wild applause and a rises to a standing ovation)Well, I went looking at the waiver wire
For a crappy player who I could hire
I'm just too cheap to become a buyer
This claim was made for you and me
I saw above you a bum who's lazy
I saw below you a closer who's crazy
Yet why I chose you remains quite hazy
This claim was made for you and me!
Now you're playing like you're better than Jesus
Our hopes are rising like a great phoenix
And they're shouting that I'm a genius
Yes, this claim....
Was made...
For you...
And...
Meeeeeee!!!!!
Jack: Thank you everyone! That's all we have time for. I hope you join us next time for another edition of... the Small Sample Size Show!
(Theme music up)
Announcer Johnny Olson: The Small Sample Size Show has been brought to you by StatsPlus, deceiving you through contorted statistics since 1995! Sign up today for a free 30-day trial at StatsPlus.com! And be sure to stay tuned for a brand new, hour long episode of your second favorite show, "Recency Bias"!
(Music fades).
