To be a Chilis fan is a difficult thing
Last place is all they know
Drunk fans argue which season was worse
And often come to blows
So Allred, the owner, called in the GM
Said, "Sign me some big name players
Who'll lure the fans and sell some seats
And even bring out the mayor."
Nigel, the GM, then looked all around
At free agents who'd had some success
The good ones were gone, so he settled upon
A right-hander named José Torres
José's career had been middling at best
In Brooklyn and Edmonton city
Some said he defined mediocrity
Some said he was just plain shitty
But the Chilis GM threw cash his way
So the fans would shout and cheer
Though the terms of the deal made the pundits gasp
Three million for only one year
Torres signed the deal with his favorite pen
A month later arrived for spring training
He took to the mound that fateful March day
It had barely started raining
The Mexico squad greeted him in the fourth
With Rocha, Baker, then Becerra
José stared Lúcio down and gave it his all
But his grip and his stance were in error
The pop on that pitch was heard far and wide
And his scream was like something from hell
José crumpled down and fans knew he was done
He had torn up his UCL
And for days the scribes chased after José
But he never spoke out on the pain
His season was done before it had begun
No one knew if he'd pitch yet again
Allred, the owner, he sobbed for days
Not for José, but the lack of winning
And Nigel, he cried, "My god, I've just paid
Three million for three fucking innings."
The town turned out big to bid José farewell
He hadn't been there but two months
As his bags were boarded, all stood in silence
'cept a boy named Timothy Luntz
He said, "José, I don't need your autograph
I don't need the cap that you wear
I don't need you to pose for a photograph
I just need to know that you care."
It made José halt, this curious question
And he pondered it with a frown
As Torres stepped forward, and the crowd stepped back,
Came his first and last words to the town
"Young man, I will give you the honest truth
No allegiance I do carry
I care not a wit for your town or your team
I am just a mercenary."
Oh, to be a Chilis fan is a difficult thing
'cause the team that they toast is a mess
So they drink to the tale of a deal gone bad
And a pitcher named José Torres
Mike Dunn Chicago Black Sox (1995-1996) (2049-2054) Landis Champion: '95, '96
