(Theme music)
Announcer Johnny Olson: Good evening! Hold on to your pants (which is more than a lot of ballplayers can do, har har) -- it's time for the playoff edition of SSSS -- the Small Sample Size Show!
(Wild applause, theme song fades)
That's right, in advance of the Monty Brewster Baseball Association playoffs, the Small Sample Size Show dares to take an infinitesimal amount of data and make wild and largely unsupported predictions about the outcome! Here is our host, former Hawaii Tropics star Jack "Pebbly Jack" Glasscock!
(Jack enters stage left to more applause)
Jack: Thanks, Johnny! And please give a warm welcome to my co-host, who still owes me fifty bucks from our bet last week, former first-round-pick-turned-journeyman-pitcher Tully Crow!
(Equally wild applause)
Tully: It's playoff time! Gawd, it brings back such fond memories of being in the post-season, doesn't it, Jack?
Jack: ...
Tully: Oh, that's right -- you never appeared in the playoffs!!
(Uproarious laughter)
Tully: But that's understandable, your big league career only lasted... 14 seasons!
(Much more uproarious laughter)
Jack: I'm trying to remember why I need a co-host in the first place....
(Audience snickers).
Jack: Okay, enough shenanigans. Let's settle down and make some playoff predictions about the Doubleday Series, starting with the Johnson League. Tully, take a stab at Edmonton versus Rockville.
Tully: Sure, Jack. This one is easy! In the six games in which the two teams played against each this season, the Pikeman had four wins and Edmonton had just two wins. That's double the number of wins for Rockville! Based on that overwhelming amount of evidence, I can unequivocally state that Rockville will easily win their Doubleday series against the Jackrabbits!
Jack: There's no doubt, because it is based on a....
(Audience shouts, "Small sample size!")
Jack: Next, let's look at the Crawdads going up against the Outlaws. I'm going to base my prediction for this series on one of the greatest single indicators of post season success -- team OPS during day games in September. Why you ask? Why not, I say -- because its a .....
(Audience again shouts, "Small sample size!" followed by laughter, applause)
Tully: Let's take a look first at the Outlaws. San Antonio had .748 OPS over 35 plate appearances during day games in September!
(Audience: Whoa!)
Tully: Now let's take a look at how the Crawdads did in September day games.... Uh... that would be zeros!
(Audience: Oooooh!)
Jack: My goodness, the New Orleans team had a .000 OPS over no plate appearances during day games in September. That is just about the smallest sample size ever!
(Audience: raucous laughter)
Tully: Sorry all you partiers down on Bourbon Street. I think we can safely say that the Crawdads will lose the Outlaws!
Jack: And if those numbers are any indication, they'll probably be swept!
(Audience again shouts, "It's a small sample size!" followed by laughter, applause)
Tully: Next up, let's move over to the Frick and the Hawaii Tropics versus the Long Beach Surfers. Both these teams have an ocean vibe, so it is certainly appropriate to base our prediction on another great indicator of post season success: how their #7 hitter did against left handers in 17 games against each other.
Tully: Wow. Forgot about that important stat! Here we go, in nine plate appearances against Hawaii lefthanders this season, the Surfers 7-hole hitter was hitless! That's a solid .000 batting average!
(Audience: nervous titters)
Jack: Flipping that over, in 18 plate appearances, the Tropics #7 hitter had three hits against Long Beach lefthanders -- for a .200 average!
(Audience: Wild applause)
Tully: OK, sorry to say, Long Beach fans, just because your team won the Pacific Division, don't get your hopes up. This statistic clearly proves that Hawaii will win the series!
(Wild applause)
Tully: Finally, the long awaited series between the Yellow Springs Nine and the Omaha Cyclones.
Jack: Now some might ask, why not look at the fact that the Nine won 116 games this season and the Cyclones just 88 games. But no -- we don't stoop that level of shoddy analytics here on the Small Sample Size Show!
Tully: That's right. I think it is clear that we should base this prediction on another important indicator of success: the number of complete games by starting pitchers when playing on grass in July.
Jack: Yup, that's a good one. Let's take a look: the Yellow Springs Nine, owners of the best regular season record in the Brewster, had not one single complete game on a natural field during July. Zero!
(Audience: Ooooooh!)
Tully: Meanwhile, the Omaha Cyclones, although just a wildcard team, had two complete games by their starters when pitching on grass in July. Case closed! The Cyclones will upset the Nine in the Doubleday!
(Audience: wild applause)
Tully: There you have it. Thanks to the scientific certainty derived from small sample size analytics, we predict that the Pikeman, the Outlaws, the Cyclones and the Tropics will all win their Doubleday series match-ups and advance to the Cartwright Cup round! We know this thanks to a....
(Audience stands and shouts "Small Sample Size!).
Jack: Yes, you can put money on it! Unfortunately, that's all the time we have this evening. Thank you again to the greatest studio audience we've had all day, and of course to all of you Brewster fans watching at home. I hope you join us next time for another edition of... the Small Sample Size Show!
(Theme music up)
Announcer Johnny Olson: The Small Sample Size Show has been brought to you by StatsPlus, deceiving you through contorted statistics since 1995! Sign up today for a free 30-day trial at StatsPlus.com! And be sure to stay tuned for a brand new, hour long episode of your second favorite show, "Recency Bias"!
(Music fades).
