The Brewster

A BBA Weekly Special Report

An epic struggle is underway amongst the baseball clubs of the Frick Heartland Division.

Every minute of every day this contest plays itself out on the ball diamonds and in the clubhouses of some of the BBA’s most storied franchises.

Nay, we speak not of the heroic athletic contests of bat and ball, pitcher and hitter, that pave the way to the Landis Cup each season, the ultimate prize of the Brewster Baseball Association.

Instead, we speak of the follicular struggle waged upon the upper lips and sturdy chins of each player who wears the uniform of a Heartland team.

It is a struggle that takes place each day and each night in plain sight of fans and media alike, and yet scant scholarly attention is paid.

Until now.

Welcome to this first team-by-team analysis of the facial hair of the Frick Heartland.

To be certain, we found much that is prosaic: clean shaven faces are the majority on all teams, and there are more than a few examples of humdrum circular beards, and lampshade mustaches (the so-called ‘70s porn ‘stache of myth and legend).

But, too, there can be found daring chinstrap beards, exotic combinations of soul patch and mutton chop, and one resplendent, transcendent example of a Napolean III Imperial mustache and beard walking among us.

Here, then, is how the facial follicles of the Heartland stack up:



Louisville: The Sluggers may be leading the division for their play on the field, but they are strictly also-rans when it comes to beard and ‘stache superiority. Oh, there are a handful of so-called circle beards (where mustache and beard connect) that look dignified enough. There’s a soul patch and a pair of mutton chop sideburns, but the only chin that breaks through the background noise of humdrum mediocrity belongs to relief specialist Luis “Flat Tire” Flores, whose goatee prompted much debate among our analysts. Was it actual hair, they wondered, or had Flat Tire simply dipped his chin into a prodigious bowl of chocolate milk? While a panel of North America’s leading sports trichologists research a definitive answer to this issue, we still find that Flores is the class of a pretty weak clubhouse for follicular fabulosity.


Facial Hair Distribution
Louisville Sluggers

Clean Shaven	Goatee	Circle Beard	Stubble	Soul Patch	Lampshade	Mutton Chops
16	2	4	1	1	1	1

Madison: Now this is more like it. While you can round up plenty of the usual clean-shaven suspects in the Madison Wolves’ dugout, you can also find an outstanding example of the horseshoe mustache menacing the upper lip of long reliever Han-lee Kim. And, most significantly, you can find an exquisite handlebar mustache gracing the visage of third baseman Ross Quicker. Madison quickly emerges as a contender for best facial hair in the Heartland.




Facial Hair Distribution
Madison Wolves

Clean Shaven	Goatee	Circle Beard	Balbo	Horseshoe	Soul Patch	Lampshade	Painters Brush	Handlebar	Anchor
13	1	2	1	1	3	2	1	1	1

Yellow Springs: Wait a minute, say the Nine of this diminutive Ohio burg. Don’t be handing the title away while we have middle reliever Edgardo Llauro and his supreme specimen of a ducktail beard draped all over his chin. Not to mention the delicate tracery of RP Tiernan “Muddy” O’Macken’s circle beard. Normally, the ubiquitous circle is almost automatically out of the running, but O’Macken’s is remarkable for the immaculate, thin lines that connect ‘stache and beard. It left our analysts weak in the knees.



Facial Hair Distribution
Yellow Springs Nine

Clean Shaven	Lampshade	Painters Brush	Horseshoe	Ducktail	Circle	Boxcar	Balbo	Soul Patch
15	1	3	1	1	1	1	3	1

Twin Cities: The River Monsters are far from monstrous when it comes to hirsute hegemony, but amongst a plethora of perfectly ordinary stubbles, circles, and goatees, relief pitcher Wilson Padilla separates himself from the pack with his boldly executed balbo and soul patch. Nothing exotic, certainly, but nicely presented. Our panel of analysts was impressed.





Facial Hair Distribution
Twin Cities River Monsters

Clean Shaven	Soul Patch/Mutton Chops	Stubble	Balbo/Soul Patch	Goatee	Soul Patch	Balbo	Circle
18	1	2	1	1	1	1	2

Des Moines: The Kernels have the most clean-shaven players (21) of any of the Heartland franchises, and yet they still manage to leave an impression. Granted, what relief specialist Jefferson Riles has growing on his lip, cheeks and chin is little more than a common circle beard … but what a circle it is! Bold in planning and execution, it’s like a little patch of midnight on his face. And then there is catcher Marcus Forryan, who sports one of just two true walrus mustaches in the division – but even were it not rare, Forryan’s ‘stache would distinguish itself in any company. Lush, long and bristley, it stakes its claim with pride.


Facial Hair Distribution
Des Moines Kernels

Clean Shaven	Painters Brush	Circle	Walrus	Soul Patch/Mutton Chops	Goatee
21	1	2	1	1	1

Omaha: Like his counterpart O’Macken on Yellow Springs, pitcher José Lima is sporting nothing more than a circle beard – but one that commends itself in a growth so bold that it almost calls to mind the lush rain forests of South America. No clubhouse with such a beard/mustache combo is ever out of the running in a facial hair competition. But that’s not all the Hawks bring to the table. There’s also the true chinstrap beard of third baseman Rafael 'Big Time' Gutiérrez. Granted, it’s a bit fringy and ragged, but it is – without a doubt – a chinstrap, and thus must be given its due.




Facial Hair Distribution
Omaha Hawks

Clean Shaven	Painters Brush	Circle	Stubble	Goatee	Painters Brush	Lampshade	Chin Strap	Mutton Chops
15	2	3	1	2	1	1	1	1

Chicago: This brings us to the Black Sox, who have underwhelmed the baseball world with their play in early 2040. Not so the scholars of area barber colleges, though, who are still aflutter at the exotic facial stylings of the Chicago team. Start with the almost surreal growth on the cheeks and chin of starting pitcher Manuel Peña: he’s sporting a partial Goose Gossage ‘stache, but only the lower portions – his upper lip is clean. Those two menacing triangles of hair flank a delicate soul patch just below his lower lip – a geometry of strand and stubble rarely seen, well, anywhere. Follow that with the bold horseshoe mustache of SP/RP François Mangin, and you have a team deep in the conversation for best facial hair in the division. But then there’s Rocky Wattson. The young second baseman is rocking (pun intended?) a genuine Napolean III Imperial, a style well befitting any emperor’s court. Analysts, who were repeatedly administered smelling salts after encountering Wattson’s mustache, are still trying to understand how he keeps the ends so perfectly perpendicular: either breathtaking amounts of premium wax, or some kind of super tensile nanotubing. Either way … wow.

Facial Hair Distribution
Chicago Black Sox

Clean Shaven	Lampshade	Soul Patch	Horseshoe	Circle	Napolean III Imperial
15	3	2	1	5	1

Nashville: Like their on-field play so far this April, the Bluebirds’ selection of facial hair styles is pretty pedestrian, with two exceptions. The first is middle reliever Aleixo Urgeses, who takes the mound with one of only two (along with Omaha’s Gutiérrez) chinstrap beards in the Heartland. Both are similar in appearance, but analysts felt Urgesses’ may be the slightly more robust of the two. Admittedly, though, your mileage may vary. The second exception is relief specialist Ben Vélez, who has one of two true walrus 'staches in the division (along with Forryan of Des Moines). Whose is better? Call it a tie in the clubhouse.


Facial Hair Distribution
Nashville Bluebirds

Clean Shaven	Lampshade	Circle	Walrus	Chinstrap	Goatee	Soul Patch	Painters Brush
15	2	4	1	1	1	2	1

Conclusions: There was little surprise that the Heartland boasted a significant number of clean-shaven faces and standard-issue circle beards and goatees. This is, after all, Middle America. And yet … from the ducktail beard of Yellow Spring’s Llauro to the mind melting Napolean III of Rocky Wattson, there are awe-inspiring follicles to be found throughout the division.

In the end, though, one team stands clear: The Chicago Black Sox may be last (or nearly so) in the Heartland baseball standings, but they are first in the hearts of facial hair stylists throughout Middle America.

This is tht good stuff. Hoping to see the rest of the divisions. I'll have to scour my minor league tanks ranks to win the FLP title.

Looking forward to any Andrew Luck style neck beards in the BBA

Perhaps the greatest feature of all time. Or, at least the hairiest.

We've been blessed with some extraordinary analysis in league features for a long time. Among them all this takes the cake. I love this feature so much. After all, what is more important, how well you swing a bat, throw a ball or what fur you have on your face when you do it? I think it's a rhetorical question.

Before the upcoming series between the Chicago Black Sox and the Madison Wolves, the media captured a moment between the Black Sox GM Vic Caleca and Wolves GM Will Gibson in Vic's office:

Gibson: Little Vic, little Vic let me win!

Caleca: Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

This is tremendous.

"Hirsute hegemony"?!?! This was a glorious read that will live eternally in the annals of Brewster analytical pieces. This is to team news as Fred's banana bread is to baked goods.

Keep 'em coming!

What a treasure. As recte mentioned 70 years of history in another thread, this will be talked about for the next 70 and beyond. Good stuff.

looking forward to the review of the pacific. I did a preliminary look thru my team and I have some serious quality in there.

lol, this was great!

This is quality journalism

Now this is the type of content that drew me to this league

Oh, New Orleans has some good ones.

Dean Ludlum and the reverse goatee. https://statspl.us/brewster/reports/new ... 29074.html
Gilberto Dominguez - and whatever that rodent is on his chin https://statspl.us/brewster/reports/new ... 36783.html
Renata Lacerda with his Rollie fingers look https://statspl.us/brewster/reports/new ... 43620.html