A BBA Weekly Special Report
An epic struggle is underway amongst the baseball clubs of the Frick Heartland Division.
Every minute of every day this contest plays itself out on the ball diamonds and in the clubhouses of some of the BBA’s most storied franchises.
Nay, we speak not of the heroic athletic contests of bat and ball, pitcher and hitter, that pave the way to the Landis Cup each season, the ultimate prize of the Brewster Baseball Association.
Instead, we speak of the follicular struggle waged upon the upper lips and sturdy chins of each player who wears the uniform of a Heartland team.
It is a struggle that takes place each day and each night in plain sight of fans and media alike, and yet scant scholarly attention is paid.
Until now.
Welcome to this first team-by-team analysis of the facial hair of the Frick Heartland.
To be certain, we found much that is prosaic: clean shaven faces are the majority on all teams, and there are more than a few examples of humdrum circular beards, and lampshade mustaches (the so-called ‘70s porn ‘stache of myth and legend).
But, too, there can be found daring chinstrap beards, exotic combinations of soul patch and mutton chop, and one resplendent, transcendent example of a Napolean III Imperial mustache and beard walking among us.
Here, then, is how the facial follicles of the Heartland stack up:
Luis Flores The Sluggers may be leading the division for their play on the field, but they are strictly also-rans when it comes to beard and ‘stache superiority. Oh, there are a handful of so-called circle beards (where mustache and beard connect) that look dignified enough. There’s a soul patch and a pair of mutton chop sideburns, but the only chin that breaks through the background noise of humdrum mediocrity belongs to relief specialist
Luis “Flat Tire” Flores, whose goatee prompted much debate among our analysts. Was it actual hair, they wondered, or had Flat Tire simply dipped his chin into a prodigious bowl of chocolate milk? While a panel of North America’s leading sports trichologists research a definitive answer to this issue, we still find that Flores is the class of a pretty weak clubhouse for follicular fabulosity.
Facial Hair Distribution
Louisville Sluggers
| Clean Shaven | Goatee | Circle Beard | Stubble | Soul Patch | Lampshade | Mutton Chops |
|---|
| 16 | 2 | 4 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 |
Han-lee Kim
Ross Quicker Now this is more like it. While you can round up plenty of the usual clean-shaven suspects in the Madison Wolves’ dugout, you can also find an outstanding example of the horseshoe mustache menacing the upper lip of long reliever
Han-lee Kim. And, most significantly, you can find an exquisite handlebar mustache gracing the visage of third baseman
Ross Quicker. Madison quickly emerges as a contender for best facial hair in the Heartland.
Facial Hair Distribution
Madison Wolves
| Clean Shaven | Goatee | Circle Beard | Balbo | Horseshoe | Soul Patch | Lampshade | Painters Brush | Handlebar | Anchor |
|---|
| 13 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 3 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 1 |
Edgardo Llauro
Tiernan O'Macken Wait a minute, say the Nine of this diminutive Ohio burg. Don’t be handing the title away while we have middle reliever
Edgardo Llauro and his supreme specimen of a ducktail beard draped all over his chin. Not to mention the delicate tracery of RP
Tiernan “Muddy” O’Macken’s circle beard. Normally, the ubiquitous circle is almost automatically out of the running, but O’Macken’s is remarkable for the immaculate, thin lines that connect ‘stache and beard. It left our analysts weak in the knees.
Facial Hair Distribution
Yellow Springs Nine
| Clean Shaven | Lampshade | Painters Brush | Horseshoe | Ducktail | Circle | Boxcar | Balbo | Soul Patch |
|---|
| 15 | 1 | 3 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 3 | 1 |
Wilson Padilla
The River Monsters are far from monstrous when it comes to hirsute hegemony, but amongst a plethora of perfectly ordinary stubbles, circles, and goatees, relief pitcher
Wilson Padilla separates himself from the pack with his boldly executed balbo and soul patch. Nothing exotic, certainly, but nicely presented. Our panel of analysts was impressed.
Facial Hair Distribution
Twin Cities River Monsters
| Clean Shaven | Soul Patch/Mutton Chops | Stubble | Balbo/Soul Patch | Goatee | Soul Patch | Balbo | Circle |
|---|
| 18 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 2 |
Jefferson Riles
Marcus Forryan The Kernels have the most clean-shaven players (21) of any of the Heartland franchises, and yet they still manage to leave an impression. Granted, what relief specialist
Jefferson Riles has growing on his lip, cheeks and chin is little more than a common circle beard … but what a circle it is! Bold in planning and execution, it’s like a little patch of midnight on his face. And then there is catcher
Marcus Forryan, who sports one of just two true walrus mustaches in the division – but even were it not rare, Forryan’s ‘stache would distinguish itself in any company. Lush, long and bristley, it stakes its claim with pride.
Facial Hair Distribution
Des Moines Kernels
| Clean Shaven | Painters Brush | Circle | Walrus | Soul Patch/Mutton Chops | Goatee |
|---|
| 21 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 1 |
José Lima
Rafael Gutiérrez Like his counterpart O’Macken on Yellow Springs, pitcher
José Lima is sporting nothing more than a circle beard – but one that commends itself in a growth so bold that it almost calls to mind the lush rain forests of South America. No clubhouse with such a beard/mustache combo is ever out of the running in a facial hair competition. But that’s not all the Hawks bring to the table. There’s also the true chinstrap beard of third baseman
Rafael 'Big Time' Gutiérrez. Granted, it’s a bit fringy and ragged, but it is – without a doubt – a chinstrap, and thus must be given its due.
Facial Hair Distribution
Omaha Hawks
| Clean Shaven | Painters Brush | Circle | Stubble | Goatee | Painters Brush | Lampshade | Chin Strap | Mutton Chops |
|---|
| 15 | 2 | 3 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 |
Manuel Peña
François Mangin
Rocky Wattson This brings us to the Black Sox, who have underwhelmed the baseball world with their play in early 2040. Not so the scholars of area barber colleges, though, who are still aflutter at the exotic facial stylings of the Chicago team. Start with the almost surreal growth on the cheeks and chin of starting pitcher
Manuel Peña: he’s sporting a partial Goose Gossage ‘stache, but only the lower portions – his upper lip is clean. Those two menacing triangles of hair flank a delicate soul patch just below his lower lip – a geometry of strand and stubble rarely seen, well, anywhere. Follow that with the bold horseshoe mustache of SP/RP
François Mangin, and you have a team deep in the conversation for best facial hair in the division. But then there’s
Rocky Wattson. The young second baseman is rocking (pun intended?) a genuine Napolean III Imperial, a style well befitting any emperor’s court. Analysts, who were repeatedly administered smelling salts after encountering Wattson’s mustache, are still trying to understand how he keeps the ends so perfectly perpendicular: either breathtaking amounts of premium wax, or some kind of super tensile nanotubing. Either way … wow.
Facial Hair Distribution
Chicago Black Sox
| Clean Shaven | Lampshade | Soul Patch | Horseshoe | Circle | Napolean III Imperial |
|---|
| 15 | 3 | 2 | 1 | 5 | 1 |
Aleixo Urgeses
Ben Vélez Like their on-field play so far this April, the Bluebirds’ selection of facial hair styles is pretty pedestrian, with two exceptions. The first is middle reliever
Aleixo Urgeses, who takes the mound with one of only two (along with Omaha’s Gutiérrez) chinstrap beards in the Heartland. Both are similar in appearance, but analysts felt Urgesses’ may be the slightly more robust of the two. Admittedly, though, your mileage may vary. The second exception is relief specialist
Ben Vélez, who has one of two true walrus 'staches in the division (along with Forryan of Des Moines). Whose is better? Call it a tie in the clubhouse.
Facial Hair Distribution
Nashville Bluebirds
| Clean Shaven | Lampshade | Circle | Walrus | Chinstrap | Goatee | Soul Patch | Painters Brush |
|---|
| 15 | 2 | 4 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 2 | 1 |
Conclusions: There was little surprise that the Heartland boasted a significant number of clean-shaven faces and standard-issue circle beards and goatees. This is, after all, Middle America. And yet … from the ducktail beard of Yellow Spring’s Llauro to the mind melting Napolean III of Rocky Wattson, there are awe-inspiring follicles to be found throughout the division.
In the end, though, one team stands clear: The Chicago Black Sox may be last (or nearly so) in the Heartland baseball standings, but they are first in the hearts of facial hair stylists throughout Middle America.
