May 14, 2063 — The Rookie Bullpen with a Tongue-Twister Twist
In the hazy spring evenings of Qingdao, where the fog rolls in faster than a coach’s patience and the infield grass gets cut with a weed whacker named “Steely Xian,” the bullpen of the Timber Rattlers has become home to a trio of rookie relievers who are equal parts promising, perplexing, and, at times, impossible to pronounce correctly on the first try.
Meet Kupaalani Keneke, Torometi Keneki, and Kapua Kewiki, three young arms with surnames that sound like a line of surfboards or a Polynesian law firm.
"I swear I checked the roster three times before realizing they were different people," said Qingdao manager Carlos Miller. "Now I just call them the 'K-K-K Club,' which marketing tells me might need a rebrand."
Keneke is the oldest of the group at 21, and was a quiet 18th-round grab in the 2063 Draft out of Tonga by way of a scrappy small college in São Paulo. Around the team, he’s already become a mythological figure: part relief pitcher, part gym equipment. After games, while his teammates scarf down cold noodles and debate anime rankings, Keneke slips into a makeshift weight room built out of rust, ambition, and one very squeaky incline bench.
“I like feeling stronger than the guy in the box,” Keneke told The South African Tribune after a recent backfield scrimmage where he casually struck out the side. “And when I lift, it’s like I’m still competing, only it's with the iron.”
Qingdao pitching coach Francisco Lopez put it less delicately: “He’s like a blender without a lid. He's high velocity and a little unpredictable. But you’d take a dozen of him if you could. He's the first guy in and the last guy doing curls with a box of pitching rosin."
Kupaalani Keneke, Torometi Keneki, and Kapua Kewiki try out a new form of stretch meditation during recent pre-season workouts.
Then there’s Torometi Keneki, the bullpen’s resident ghost. At just 17 years old, the lefty from Palau is as elusive off the field as his slider is on it. Drafted in the 13th round just last week, Keneki glides through practices in near silence, earbuds in, eyes forward, mechanics clean. In a world of over-sharers, he is gloriously unbothered.
“It’s baseball. I just do it,” Keneki said with a shrug before drifting toward the bullpen like a kid heading to grab another soda from the fridge. But beneath that disinterest is a streak of focused professionalism. “He just works,” Lopez said. “He doesn’t need a motivational speech. He needs the ball and a target.”
Then, of course, there’s Kapua Kewiki, the "veteran" at 19. A 16th-round pick from a year ago, Kewiki managed to log innings at three different levels last season, including a surreal outing in Double-A Falkland Islands, where he pitched 2.1 innings in front of 37 penguin-hoodied fans and a guy playing the spoons. His game? Quiet, introverted but confidently calm.
“I go on auto,” Kewiki said. “Just glove, ball, plate.”
He rarely speaks, but when he does, it's either borderline profound or the kind of thing you'd overhear during a nature documentary. During a practice last season, he leaned back mid-stretch and told Lopez the group was “like a coral reef...busy underneath, but calm on top.” Lopez wasn't sure if it was a metaphor or a science fact, but the whole bullpen got noticably quieter afterward.
In a league that rarely spares Rookie Ball more than a footnote, the Qingdao pen has drawn some unusual attention. Not just because the three relievers might one day contribute at higher levels, but because no one can stop talking about them. Or, more accurately, mispronouncing them.
“They’re raw,” said bullpen coach Jack Miller. “But one’s a gym freak, one’s a ghost assassin, and one’s basically a Hawaiian monk with a fastball. If one of them pans out, great. If two do? You’ve got a whole bullpen brand. If all three make it to the majors?”
He paused, looked skyward, and added solemnly: “Then may God help the PA announcers.”
For now, they’re just a trio of names that sound like a tongue-twister and pitch like they’re trying to rewrite the scouting reports. The Timber Rattlers’ Rookie League squad might not lead the standings this year, but it might lead the league in intrigue.
This extended dispatch from the dugout is brought to you by The Gold Standard, your regularly scheduled weekly appointment with Jakob Van Wyk of the South African Tribune.
