Pharaoh Moans (2047 #3) - Dissa and Data
Posted: Mon May 24, 2021 5:39 pm
Spring Training Begins – Random Rambling
By Khepri Quraishi, Egypt Today Sports
March 8, 2047
Ah, Spring Training. I’m sure you’re all waiting for impressive insights into the meaning of nine meaningless games. Or maybe you want previously unknown gems of information about Cairo players. I have none of that. Rather, I will randomly ramble:
Where the hell in Manama?
The first week of Spring Training was a success. “But the Pharaohs are in last place”, you point out. Well, what did you expect? Success in Spring Training is measured by injury report frequency. Cairo had zero. Ergo, success. (Ergo is one of my favorite words and is depressingly underused.)
OK. Dashiell R. Fairebon insists on using the R as his middle initial without telling us what it stands for. Well, at least it distinguishes him from the other Dashiell Faireborn’s in baseball. Of course, there are none.
Staying on the fascinating Faireborn subject for a minute, he hit .170 at Mexico City in 2042 and followed up the following year with .156. Moving on to Long Beach in 2044, he hit .129. He reversed this trend of getting worse and worse in 2045 by hitting .196 in Phoenix. He then dropped to .156 at Valencia in 2046. And now Cairo is paying him $1.825 million to prove how inferior UMEBA pitching is. Expect him to bat .310 this season. Or maybe 100 points or so less.
There is no truth to the rumor that Cairo is offering free admission to residents of the Gaza Strip.
Both Cairo’s catchers, Diesel Dave (like who in the Dave family thought Diesel would be a good first name?) and Chris Glass are considered leadership captains. Glass is a Rule Five guy, and, glancing at his record, it’s hard to imagine him hitting over .175 this year. Sure, they could give him back to Riyadh, but Dave (or Diesel or DD) can’t catch every game and Cairo’s AAA options are just as inept as Glass is likely to be. At least Glass isn’t pulling down $12.5 million.
Tyler Shacklady and Shea Valance both hail from Dublin, Ireland. Along with two other Irish ex-pats, they will be performing in the Irish rebel band North Dublin Union at Harry’s Pub in the Marriott in Zamalek, an affluent district in western Cairo.
That's a wrap.