Pharaoh Moans (2046-12): The “Strange But True” Feats of 2046
Posted: Sun Apr 18, 2021 5:01 am
CAIRO - The Pharaohs are on track to break some records.
Now, when it comes to records, there are a lot of small ones that fans can find enjoyment in rooting for, especially when a team is mathematically out of contention for the playoffs. But there’s also one big record that the Pharaohs should try to avoid at all costs. It’s a number written in huge red print, posted in the clubhouse for all the players to see, making clear that no matter how much they suck, they should stay away from 105.
105, of course, refers to the all-time record for losses in a season in the UMEBA. It belongs to the Istanbul Bosphorus for their dreadful 2039 season, and the Pharaohs are intent on letting them keep it.
Cairo is currently 44-91, with 27 games left to play. That means they’ll have to go 14-13 to avoid the record, winning more games than they lose. If you’ve followed the team at all this season, you’ll know that’s a pretty tall order, but looking at the schedule, it’s possible. The Pharaohs have seven more games against Athens, and three versus Beirut, two other sub-.500 teams.
If the Pharaohs can avoid the all-time loss record, they’ll be ecstatic. Everything else is just syrup on the basbousa, as they say. But since fans have nothing else to keep them coming to the ballpark, our stat guys have found a few players on the cusp of making history in other ways this season.
If you’re a fan of this team, but are currently evaluating your life choices and wondering why you spent 1000 EGP on a Diesel Dave jersey, well, we can’t get you that money back. But we can offer you a few other fun storylines to follow from now through the end of September.
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Freddy Ayala will not break the single-season record for stolen bases. That is firmly in the hands of José Olivarez, who stole 59 in 2039 (although Tripoli’s Takechi Eida has a good shot of breaking the record this season). However, Ayala’s run at the history books is a little more in the “obscure” category. He’s currently on pace to be the first player ever to steal 40 bases while hitting zero home runs in a season. So fans, root for Freddy! Just not to hit the ball too hard.
Here’s one you might not have been aware of: reliever Leonardo Águila currently leads the UMEBA in ERA for pitchers who have thrown at least 20 innings. And that title is secure, because Águila isn’t even on the major league team anymore, currently in AAA as the closer for the Pretoria Rhinos. In fact, if he doesn’t pitch again, his 0.84 ERA would be the lowest in the UMEBA since Shadi Ata’s legendary season for the inaugural Baghdad Kings. So fans should be rooting for Águila to not set foot on the mound again this year, which seems like a good bet, since Cairo recently announced its initial September call-ups, and Águila is not on the list.
In the same realm of obscure pitching feats, second baseman Eric Bigalow is the only Cairo pitcher who hasn’t given up a run this season, having pitched a single scoreless inning in a blowout loss back in April. However, in the UMEBA, Bigalow is far from claiming the Mickey Mouse ERA title (which we define as the pitcher who pitched the most innings while maintaining an ERA of zero). That title would go to Jerusalem’s Justin Sutherland, who pitched 3.2 scoreless innings in April before blowing out his rotator cuff, and promptly retiring to go start a farm in the desert. Bigalow would have to get into at least a couple more games if he wants the title this season, and it probably wouldn’t be worth the blowouts. So maybe don't root for this one.
Rick Chambers has only made one error at shortstop this season in over 500 innings played at the position. That’s actually really noteworthy, and while Chambers is not known for great range, he’s done a very good job of minimizing mistakes. If Chambers can avoid making another error this season, his .996 fielding percentage will put him at number one on the all-time single season leaderboard for shortstops.
Finally, we turn to reliever Phil Brown, who has by all accounts been terrible this season, but somehow is tied with Johan Trojka for the team lead in wins. This can mostly be attributed to a lot of Cairo’s young starters pitching well, but not making the 5-inning requirement to earn a win, and Brown typically being the first guy out of the ‘pen. So what happens if Brown takes the lead outright? When’s the last time someone has led a team in wins with an ERA over 6.00? That would be Joe Caffyn of the C.S.K.A. Army back in 2043, notching 11 wins for the season with a 6.76 ERA, a mark which seems safe for now.
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It’s understandable that the stands aren’t filling up at Pyramid Park. We get it — the weather’s getting colder, the team is 36 games back, and a new season of The Egyptian Bachelor has just started on Monday nights. But the Pharaohs are the team to root for right now if you want to watch some weird history in the making. And if you wear your Diesel Dave jersey, he’ll give you a drink on the house at The Afterlife following the game.
Now, when it comes to records, there are a lot of small ones that fans can find enjoyment in rooting for, especially when a team is mathematically out of contention for the playoffs. But there’s also one big record that the Pharaohs should try to avoid at all costs. It’s a number written in huge red print, posted in the clubhouse for all the players to see, making clear that no matter how much they suck, they should stay away from 105.
105, of course, refers to the all-time record for losses in a season in the UMEBA. It belongs to the Istanbul Bosphorus for their dreadful 2039 season, and the Pharaohs are intent on letting them keep it.
Cairo is currently 44-91, with 27 games left to play. That means they’ll have to go 14-13 to avoid the record, winning more games than they lose. If you’ve followed the team at all this season, you’ll know that’s a pretty tall order, but looking at the schedule, it’s possible. The Pharaohs have seven more games against Athens, and three versus Beirut, two other sub-.500 teams.
If the Pharaohs can avoid the all-time loss record, they’ll be ecstatic. Everything else is just syrup on the basbousa, as they say. But since fans have nothing else to keep them coming to the ballpark, our stat guys have found a few players on the cusp of making history in other ways this season.
If you’re a fan of this team, but are currently evaluating your life choices and wondering why you spent 1000 EGP on a Diesel Dave jersey, well, we can’t get you that money back. But we can offer you a few other fun storylines to follow from now through the end of September.
----
Freddy Ayala will not break the single-season record for stolen bases. That is firmly in the hands of José Olivarez, who stole 59 in 2039 (although Tripoli’s Takechi Eida has a good shot of breaking the record this season). However, Ayala’s run at the history books is a little more in the “obscure” category. He’s currently on pace to be the first player ever to steal 40 bases while hitting zero home runs in a season. So fans, root for Freddy! Just not to hit the ball too hard.
Here’s one you might not have been aware of: reliever Leonardo Águila currently leads the UMEBA in ERA for pitchers who have thrown at least 20 innings. And that title is secure, because Águila isn’t even on the major league team anymore, currently in AAA as the closer for the Pretoria Rhinos. In fact, if he doesn’t pitch again, his 0.84 ERA would be the lowest in the UMEBA since Shadi Ata’s legendary season for the inaugural Baghdad Kings. So fans should be rooting for Águila to not set foot on the mound again this year, which seems like a good bet, since Cairo recently announced its initial September call-ups, and Águila is not on the list.
In the same realm of obscure pitching feats, second baseman Eric Bigalow is the only Cairo pitcher who hasn’t given up a run this season, having pitched a single scoreless inning in a blowout loss back in April. However, in the UMEBA, Bigalow is far from claiming the Mickey Mouse ERA title (which we define as the pitcher who pitched the most innings while maintaining an ERA of zero). That title would go to Jerusalem’s Justin Sutherland, who pitched 3.2 scoreless innings in April before blowing out his rotator cuff, and promptly retiring to go start a farm in the desert. Bigalow would have to get into at least a couple more games if he wants the title this season, and it probably wouldn’t be worth the blowouts. So maybe don't root for this one.
Rick Chambers has only made one error at shortstop this season in over 500 innings played at the position. That’s actually really noteworthy, and while Chambers is not known for great range, he’s done a very good job of minimizing mistakes. If Chambers can avoid making another error this season, his .996 fielding percentage will put him at number one on the all-time single season leaderboard for shortstops.
Finally, we turn to reliever Phil Brown, who has by all accounts been terrible this season, but somehow is tied with Johan Trojka for the team lead in wins. This can mostly be attributed to a lot of Cairo’s young starters pitching well, but not making the 5-inning requirement to earn a win, and Brown typically being the first guy out of the ‘pen. So what happens if Brown takes the lead outright? When’s the last time someone has led a team in wins with an ERA over 6.00? That would be Joe Caffyn of the C.S.K.A. Army back in 2043, notching 11 wins for the season with a 6.76 ERA, a mark which seems safe for now.
----
It’s understandable that the stands aren’t filling up at Pyramid Park. We get it — the weather’s getting colder, the team is 36 games back, and a new season of The Egyptian Bachelor has just started on Monday nights. But the Pharaohs are the team to root for right now if you want to watch some weird history in the making. And if you wear your Diesel Dave jersey, he’ll give you a drink on the house at The Afterlife following the game.
