The Benchwarmers, Episode 1: Curt Phillips on Cardio, Closing and Chuck E. Cheese

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The Benchwarmers, Episode 1: Curt Phillips on Cardio, Closing and Chuck E. Cheese

Post by woods » Mon Mar 08, 2021 1:07 pm

There are muffled noises, as a camera is turned on and removed from a gym bag. The iris adjusts to reveal the operator, the Pharaohs' Rick Chambers. Eric Bigalow is standing beside him, looking on with apprehension.

Bigalow: We have to be careful, Skip doesn’t like us using this in the clubhouse.

Chambers: (smirking) Lucky for us he’s not here then, isn’t it?

Bigalow: Welcome, folks, to the first episode of The Benchwarmers, the show where we give you an exclusive inside look at the Pharaohs, as only we can!

Chambers: You may know us as Biggie and Smalls, and we’re the only ones qualified to host such a show because we don’t spend much time on the field. Hence, we have time to give you, our loyal viewers, special VIP access to the inner workings of the team.

Bigalow: That’s right, and today’s a perfect example. Skip is mad right now, as naturally he should be after that miserable homestand, so he’s having a “mandatory” extra BP session for all the starters. Well, that leaves me and Smallsy here all alone in the clubhouse with a bunch of pitchers, so we’re gonna go around and see if we can find one who’ll talk to us.

Chambers: Yeah, except there’s nobody here except Trojka, and he’s been sitting in the corner staring into space for the last fifteen minutes. Whattaya reckon we check the training room?

Bigalow: I’m with you, that guy creeps me out. Lead the way!

They enter the training room and find it empty except for Curt Phillips on a stationary bike.

Bigalow: Hey look — it’s 2-time All Star, Curt Phillips!

Chambers: (quietly, to the camera) Now for the viewers at home, when you’re sneaking up on a pitcher, do it while they’re on the stationary bike. It’s when they’re least likely to run away.

Bigalow: You know you sound like Steve Irwin with your dumb Aussie accent?

Chambers: That’s just how I talk, mate!

They walk over to where Phillips is exercising.

Bigalow: Hey, Curt! Got a few minutes for an interview?

Phillips: (noticing the camera) Oh, it’s for your video thing. Yeah, might as well. I ain’t goin’ nowhere for the next twenty minutes.

Bigalow: You’re pretty serious about your cardio, eh? Most of the bullpen guys don’t even get here until about an hour before game time.

Phillips: Well, at my age, I’ve gotta take care of my body. Some of these young kids can get away with going out the night before and stumbling in here the next day. But I’ve been around long enough to know you can’t take any days off, especially as a reliever. You never know when you might be pitching, so you gotta be ready every day.

Chambers: Bloody hell, I couldn’t do that gig. I’ll take my one-start-a-week, thanks mate.

Bigalow: That brings us to another interesting topic, your role in the bullpen. You’ve been a closer for almost your entire career, and now you come to the Pharaohs where you’ve been more of a setup/multi-inning stopper. How are you adjusting to the new role?

Phillips: Whatever they need to do with me, I told ‘em I’m up for it. It was a little rough at the beginning, and I think my ERA shows it. So Strong sat me down and we agreed on some specifics, like now they won’t bring me in before the 7th, which gives me a bit more certainty when I need to be ready.

Chambers: Do you miss being the closer?

Phillips: Not as much as you’d think. There were times with Yellow Springs when we went with a closer-by-committee situation. Then after a few weeks of that, natural roles would emerge for guys in the group. And I think it’s the same thing here. With a team like Cairo, you’ve got so many guys from so many different backgrounds, you have to let the roles sort themselves out naturally. I know I can close — but who’s to say that’s the best role for me among these guys? Nick’s got crazy stuff, and what’s more is he’s got this uncanny ability to go out there after a blowup and completely forget what happened the night before. The dude’s like a goldfish with a five-second memory. And I’m the opposite — when I have a bad outing, I’ll be up watching video until 2:00 a.m., analyzing my every move, and I’ll probably end up overcorrecting my next time out, and blow up even worse.

Bigalow: So you’re saying the setup role could actually be good for you?

Phillips: Yeah, why not? I can get ground ball outs, so they can bring me in with runners on base. I can go longer than one inning if they need me to. I’ve seen and done it all in my career, so they just need to tell me where to go, and I’ll adapt to the situation.

Chambers: If it were me, I would want to be the closer for the notoriety. Everybody knows the closer. Nobody cares who pitches the eighth. Of course, I’m speaking from my own experience of watching the games from the bench — the eighth inning is normally when I get bored and run to the clubhouse for another coffee.

Phillips: It’s different when you’re younger. Everybody who throws 100 wants to be that dude in the bullpen, the guy who shuts the door. It’s a good gig, but it’s a little overhyped: They play your entrance music to intimidate the other team, and they give you a special made-up stat called the “save”. Let me tell you something about saves. I’ve got over 300 of the motherfuckers and they haven’t done shit for me. So for me, at the end of the day, I’m here to do a job and help the team win ball games. End of story.

Bigalow: So, you’ve had a very nice career in the BBA. You spent nine years with Yellow Springs, almost winning a Landis in ’41. You pitched in the playoffs for Brooklyn just last year. Then you sign a two-year contract to join an expansion team, out here in the desert, halfway around the world. What were the factors in deciding to come to the UMEBA?

Phillips: Hey man, UMEBA’s the new frontier. Actually, it was my old teammate from the Robins, Nico Eijpe, who texted me about coming out here. He was getting some offers from UMEBA teams, but wasn’t sure if he should make the jump. I asked him what teams, and he said Cairo had made him the best offer. Well it just so happened that my phone rang that day, and I got an offer from Cairo as well. So I texted him back, ‘Wanna be teammates again?’ And he said, ‘Let’s do it.’ It helps to have someone you know around. And then of course, when we all got to Spring Training, there were other familiar faces who had signed with UMEBA teams. Charette’s out in Athens. You got Drouin just up the road in Jerusalem. Talented guys be coming out here, man, I don’t think people realize the UMEBA’s getting to be at the same level as the BBA in terms of talent.

Chambers: Hey, d’ya hear that, he called us talented.

Bigalow: I don’t think he was talking about you, Smalls.

Chambers: Oh.

Bigalow: Let’s be honest for a minute. With guys like us around, Cairo probably won’t be having any designs of winning for at least a few years. And you still haven’t won a championship, something I’m sure you still want to have happen once in your career. How do you feel about your chances of getting a trophy before you hang it up?

Phillips: Oh, you know I’ve had my chances in the playoffs, we just couldn’t ever bring it home. But you only get so many chances. How many years can you cruise to 101 wins on the season, and then get swept in the Geoghegan?

Bigalow & Chambers:

Phillips: All of them. The answer is all of them. So I’ve come to terms with the fact that it might not be in the cards for me. But that’s all right! I’m enjoying the ride I’m on with this team, so we’ll see how it goes. Maybe I’ll still be here when the next young core arrives, and I’ll be the old guy riding in the scooter for the championship parade.

Bigalow: (casually flashing a ring that definitely doesn’t have any diamonds in it) Well I guess we can’t all be lucky enough to have one of these…

Chambers: What’s that? Is that the shit they gave you for winning last year in AAA? You actually wear that thing?

Phillips: (laughing) Yo, that shit look like those plastic rings you get for 25 cents from the dispensers outside Chuck E. Cheese.

Chambers: What’s Chuck E. Cheese?

Bigalow: It’s an American thing. A pizza restaurant where a band of giant rodents play music while you eat.

Chambers: (shuddering) Crikey, sounds just like Australia.

Bigalow: Okay Curt, last question. Some of the guys are unhappy right now with the team’s performance. Can you give them any advice about getting through a rough patch like this?

Phillips: Look, I’m not pretending to be some sage of wisdom. I still struggle with losses myself. But what I can say is, this game humbles you. I was a hot-shot starter when I first came up with Yellow Springs. I had cruised through the minors, and I thought nothing could touch me. And when I got to The Show, I got lit up. I mean, it was bad. I couldn’t get a thing past these BBA hitters. They sent me to the minors, and I thought my career was over before it began. When I got to working with the coaches in Triple-A, it turned out I had screwed myself up worse by trying to make adjustments. The reality is, sometimes good hitters just hit good pitches. You can’t change your whole approach based on a few bad outings. So I worked out my mechanics and started pitching the way I knew how, and that got me to where I am today. So the lesson there is don’t worry too much about the losses. Keep playing the way you’ve been playing, the way that got you here in the first place. If you try to do too much to right the ship, you’ll only make it worse.

Bigalow: Nice one, Curt. I feel inspired to go out and win one today!

Chambers: Go out where, Biggie? We’re facing a lefty.

Bigalow: Oh, right. See you on the bench as usual, then.
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Re: The Benchwarmers, Episode 1: Curt Phillips on Cardio, Closing and Chuck E. Cheese

Post by jleddy » Mon Mar 08, 2021 1:28 pm

:plus11:
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Re: The Benchwarmers, Episode 1: Curt Phillips on Cardio, Closing and Chuck E. Cheese

Post by Fat Nige » Tue Mar 09, 2021 12:06 pm

That’s a really good TN, worth four PP’s in my opinion. Hey @RonCo how about a sliding scale of PPs for TN’s? Some TNs really steal the two PPs while others like this could easily be Split into three parts for six PPs? Something for you to consider perhaps?
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Re: The Benchwarmers, Episode 1: Curt Phillips on Cardio, Closing and Chuck E. Cheese

Post by woods » Tue Mar 09, 2021 12:18 pm

Yeah, I just wanted to write it, I wasn't too concerned about the format or how many points it'd be worth. So I'll let Ron figure out that part.

...although I should mention that the extra points would go towards giving Biggie and Smalls their appropriate in-game nicknames, so it'd be for a good cause. ;)
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Re: The Benchwarmers, Episode 1: Curt Phillips on Cardio, Closing and Chuck E. Cheese

Post by RonCo » Tue Mar 09, 2021 12:33 pm

Fat Nige wrote:
Tue Mar 09, 2021 12:06 pm
That’s a really good TN, worth four PP’s in my opinion. Hey @RonCo how about a sliding scale of PPs for TN’s? Some TNs really steal the two PPs while others like this could easily be Split into three parts for six PPs? Something for you to consider perhaps?
1) I've been known to throw bonus points in at the end of the year...we'll see.
2) Sounds like a Candidate for a Caleca, eh?
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Re: The Benchwarmers, Episode 1: Curt Phillips on Cardio, Closing and Chuck E. Cheese

Post by jtannehill » Tue Mar 09, 2021 2:17 pm

That was great Woods! UMEBA getting some run in the news these days love it..

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Re: The Benchwarmers, Episode 1: Curt Phillips on Cardio, Closing and Chuck E. Cheese

Post by RichY » Tue Mar 09, 2021 3:44 pm

Really nice Woody. Super well done.
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