Pharaoh Moans (2046-03): An Interview with Diesel Dave, All-Star
Posted: Sat Feb 13, 2021 12:26 pm
CAIRO - It was an rare overcast day in Cairo, and the NileSports studios had a special guest in the building. He wore a pinstripe suit jacket, aviator shades, and a huge diamond necklace custom-emblazoned with the number 99.
“It’s an exciting day here in Cairo,” began the interviewer, NileSports’ Amira Fahmy, “as the Pharaohs have made their first big splash in the free agent market, bringing over the former BBA All-Star, Diesel Dave!”
Dave smiled and waved at no one in particular.
“Mr. Dave-”
“You can call me Diesel, sweetheart.”
“Take me through your decision process when you accepted the offer to come to Cairo,” Fahmy continued. “You’re a pretty big name in the BBA, so no doubt you were getting offers from BBA teams as well.”
“I was, but let me tell you something. I’m getting older, and it’s time I started thinking about what I want my legacy to be. So I thought long and hard about that. And I came to the conclusion that Diesel Dave hits dingers.”
“Oh?” replied Fahmy, clearly expecting that to have gone somewhere deeper.
“You know how many dingers I hit last year in Omaha?” asked Dave.
“You hit 46 home runs in the regular season and one more in the playoffs.”
“That’s right, and that was against those tough Heartland pitchers!” said Dave proudly. “So just imagine what I can do against easier competition. That’s why I decided I’m done trying to turn around 99 and 100 mph fastballs. I’m going to the UMEBA where I can feast on 86. If you think Diesel was hitting dingers before, just wait. This year I’ll be breaking records.”
“I don’t think the UMEBA is as starved for talent as you think it is,” interjected Fahmy. “Manuel Peña, for instance, your old teammate in Chicago, is playing in Riyadh now, and he still lights up the radar gun.”
“Manuel,” said Dave blankly. “Nope, not ringin’ a bell.”
“Never mind. In any case, you’re certainly well positioned to have a strong season. You’ll be the starting catcher for the Pharaohs-”
“Captain,” interrupted Dave.
“I’m sorry?”
“Captain is my position. I’m not a catcher anymore. That’s in my contract. You see that letter C next to my name? That stands for ‘Captain’.”
“But, aren’t you a catcher? As in that’s the position you play?”
“I will receive the ball from the pitcher, if that’s what my manager asks me to do. I might throw out a guy or two on the bases. But catching’s for suckers, and I want to make it publicly known that Diesel don’t engage in that activity.”
“Okay, Diesel Dave, Captain,” said Fahmy.
“It has a good ring to it, doesn’t it,” Dave probably winked, but it’s hard to tell from behind the aviators.
“Certainly you’ll be a mentor for all the young players on the team,” said Fahmy. “But joining a rebuilding team like Cairo is a new direction for you. You haven’t been on a team that finished below .500 since your first year in Chicago, back in 2040. How will you adjust to an organization that’s going through this building process?”
“Building? Honey, for $12 million a year — which is what they’re paying me, by the way — I will build them a new clubhouse with my own two hands. Complete with a full bar and nightclub. That’s what these kids need! None of this coddling nonsense. They need a little excitement in their lives. They need a little Diesel.”
“You’ll be an exciting personality to have around, that’s for sure.”
“You know what they say about my personality, sweetheart: I’m committed to excellence.”
Dave’s contract with Cairo is for two years, with a player option for 2047.
“It’s an exciting day here in Cairo,” began the interviewer, NileSports’ Amira Fahmy, “as the Pharaohs have made their first big splash in the free agent market, bringing over the former BBA All-Star, Diesel Dave!”
Dave smiled and waved at no one in particular.
“Mr. Dave-”
“You can call me Diesel, sweetheart.”
“Take me through your decision process when you accepted the offer to come to Cairo,” Fahmy continued. “You’re a pretty big name in the BBA, so no doubt you were getting offers from BBA teams as well.”
“I was, but let me tell you something. I’m getting older, and it’s time I started thinking about what I want my legacy to be. So I thought long and hard about that. And I came to the conclusion that Diesel Dave hits dingers.”
“Oh?” replied Fahmy, clearly expecting that to have gone somewhere deeper.
“You know how many dingers I hit last year in Omaha?” asked Dave.
“You hit 46 home runs in the regular season and one more in the playoffs.”
“That’s right, and that was against those tough Heartland pitchers!” said Dave proudly. “So just imagine what I can do against easier competition. That’s why I decided I’m done trying to turn around 99 and 100 mph fastballs. I’m going to the UMEBA where I can feast on 86. If you think Diesel was hitting dingers before, just wait. This year I’ll be breaking records.”
“I don’t think the UMEBA is as starved for talent as you think it is,” interjected Fahmy. “Manuel Peña, for instance, your old teammate in Chicago, is playing in Riyadh now, and he still lights up the radar gun.”
“Manuel,” said Dave blankly. “Nope, not ringin’ a bell.”
“Never mind. In any case, you’re certainly well positioned to have a strong season. You’ll be the starting catcher for the Pharaohs-”
“Captain,” interrupted Dave.
“I’m sorry?”
“Captain is my position. I’m not a catcher anymore. That’s in my contract. You see that letter C next to my name? That stands for ‘Captain’.”
“But, aren’t you a catcher? As in that’s the position you play?”
“I will receive the ball from the pitcher, if that’s what my manager asks me to do. I might throw out a guy or two on the bases. But catching’s for suckers, and I want to make it publicly known that Diesel don’t engage in that activity.”
“Okay, Diesel Dave, Captain,” said Fahmy.
“It has a good ring to it, doesn’t it,” Dave probably winked, but it’s hard to tell from behind the aviators.
“Certainly you’ll be a mentor for all the young players on the team,” said Fahmy. “But joining a rebuilding team like Cairo is a new direction for you. You haven’t been on a team that finished below .500 since your first year in Chicago, back in 2040. How will you adjust to an organization that’s going through this building process?”
“Building? Honey, for $12 million a year — which is what they’re paying me, by the way — I will build them a new clubhouse with my own two hands. Complete with a full bar and nightclub. That’s what these kids need! None of this coddling nonsense. They need a little excitement in their lives. They need a little Diesel.”
“You’ll be an exciting personality to have around, that’s for sure.”
“You know what they say about my personality, sweetheart: I’m committed to excellence.”
Dave’s contract with Cairo is for two years, with a player option for 2047.