Cairo Chronicle, 2058 Issue #2

[DanGladdenFC]

A Comedy of Errors: New GM's Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
Reporting by Tootan Ramseys

When new Cairo Pharaohs GM Dan Waller woke up that morning after the first week of the GBC regular season was in the bag, he was already 37 minutes late for work. His wife, who normally sets the alarm for them both on her phone, was away on business. Waller had gone to bed preoccupied with a dizzying array of contract offers, dollars, ERAs, on-base percentages, and player personalities buzzing through his head. Was Lawrence Halvorson's leadership strong enough to earn him a spot on the Pharaohs roster, despite the fact that he's recorded even fewer strikeouts in baseball than he has on the dating scene as an obscenely attractive man? Should Satoshi Shirai, the extremely capable but belligerent pitcher, be kicked off the starting rotation after a teammate confided in Waller that Shirai had made a rather disfavorable suggestion to him about salacious activities he could perform with his mother in response to an error he made on the field?

Waller hurried himself through the shower, where he promptly banged his head on the shower door, drawing blood and having to sport a band-aid on his lacerated forehead for the remainder of the day. He burnt his toast in the toaster. His cat shoved his mug of coffee off the table, possibly as the accidental consequence of lumbering about with 7 pounds of excessive weight, possibly because of the inherent sociopathic tendencies of felines. He even managed to drop his banana peel on the floor and slip on it, in the ultimate and most stereotypical manifestation of "things gone wrong".

His devoted assistant, Hats Hepsut, was busy completing a game of solitaire on her computer when he finally pulled into the office over an hour later than he originally intended. Noting that Waller seemed to have blood oozing down his forehead, Hats proffered a fresh bandage to Waller. She was not unaccustomed to dealing with GMs who had traded in all of their physical grace for intelligence and knew to keep a first aid kit on hand, fully supplied, at all times. She followed him into his office to receive her marching orders for the day.

"Alright, Miz Hepsut, I've got some moves I'd like to make that I think will position this organization for success. Willie Turner! I've seen his stuff myself and he's going to give those batters fits, I tell you. My notes tell me he's not ready for the big leagues yet, so send him to AAA."

"Great sir. Only, you'll need to put him on irrevocable waivers first, before you can send him to the minors. He's got a major league contract. It's just the rules, sir."

"Irr-reva-what? Irr-rele-vant, I say! Well whatever, make it so, as that bald star trek fellow likes to say."

"Yes sir, it's done."

"Great, thank you, Miz Hepsut." He gives another look over the starting roster of the Pharaohs and identifies a relief pitcher he wants removed from the team. To protect his identity, we will refer to him as Frank. It is certainly to protect his identity and not because this normally diligent reporter forgot his name. Nope.

"Wait...why the hell is Frank still on my damn roster? I'm sending his ass to the minor leagues. Get me Frank on the phone!"

Hats patches Waller through to Frank.

Waller adopts a jovial tone. "Frank! How the hell are ya. Listen, bud, I'm afraid I'm going to have to demote you to AAA. Just not enough room on this roster for you, sorry."

"What?! After everything I've done for this team? I even hosted and organized the team Secret Santa contest last Christmas, did you know that??"

"Look I'm sure you're very popular with the team, but frankly your output just isn't there, and--"

"Well man, I refuse to be demoted. You hear me? REFUSE!"

Waller cups his hand over the microphone and turns to Ms. Hepsut. "What can I do if a guy doesn't want to be demoted to the minor leagues, again?"

"Well you can just release him. You'll have to immediately pay him in full though."

"Hmm. Alright." Waller takes his hand off the phone. "Look Frank, maybe it's best we part ways. I'm just going to release you."

"Fine, fuck this, and fuck Cairo! I've never been much of a pyramid guy anyway; I've always considered myself more of the sphere type. You owe me exactly seven hundred twenty eight thousand, six hundred and seventy two dollars, man! Pay up!"

"Well, that is an oddly specific number and I'm impressed you know it off the top of your head, but okay Frank, if that's what you want."

"It IS what I want! I hope Cairo finishes in 9th place this year!"

"But there's only eight---" Waller cut himself off from finishing the sentence before he pieced together the insult. "Alright Frank, have a nice life."

Having freed up a slot on the Pharaohs, Waller searched for a suitable replacement. But cursing his haste, he realized, Willie Turner himself was the best man for the job. Why bother putting him in AAA? He's ready for the big leagues already.

"Hats, call up Willie and tell him he's headed to the Pharaohs bullpen."

"Alright sir, but remember, you placed him on irrevocable waivers."

"There's that word again, 'irrevocable'! Alexa, what's the definition of irrevocable?"

"Good morning Daniel! Today is April 8, 2058--"

"Damn it Alexa, I know what day it is! Just tell me the damn definition of 'irrevocable'!" Alexa made a disapproving plunking noise, and Waller was forced to ask his question again, in a more respectful manner.

"The definition is: not possible to revoke; unalterable."

"I see. So you're telling me, I just fired a guy, immediately paid him seven hundred whatever the hell thousand dollars, and replaced him with a guy who is now on irrevocable waivers and could be snatched up by anyone this week?"

"Unfortunately yes, sir," Hats said, successfully hiding her astonishment at her new boss's idiocy. But she's seen much dumber decisions in the past.

It was not exactly a red-letter day for Waller. But right now, the Pharaohs find themselves in second place in the GBC. The season is young, and there's a lot of baseball left to be played. Let's hope our new GM doesn't bury this season deeper than King Tut's remains.

[Dington]

Awesome article!

[recte44]

Outstanding stuff- keep it coming!

[JRamirez]

Got to hand it to Dan Gladden. Good writer. Good GM. Led Cairo to second place. In all that SNAFU regarding pitcher Willie Turner, Turner had a 7.71 ERA for Cairo before Buenos Aires claimed him and his million dollar salary (up for auto-renewal) and posted a 5-3 record in 35 IP. Not a critical loss for the Pharaohs.