Piranha Bites: 45.02 The Profit Motive - An Odd Benching, and a Nasty Rumor

[tylertoo]

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April 6, 2045 - Piranha-philes, we apologize for the delay in posting updates about your favorite team, but we grabbed a ghostwriting job the last few months, penning "UMEBA for Dummies" for the MBBA Media Guide. Freelancers have to take the work where we can grab it!

Anyway, Opening Day 2045 proved to be a debacle when starting pitcher Pepe Jaramilo, the team's big off-season signing, and most recently of the BBA's franchise in Atlantic City, had a horrible debut, failing to even get out of the first inning against the reigning champs, the Bucharest Impalers:



Here's how it played out:
Base on Balls
2-RUN HOME RUN
SOLO HOME RUN (Flyball, 7D, EV 86.9 MPH), Distance : 366 ft
SINGLE
SINGLE
SINGLE (Line Drive, 4M, EV 101.9 MPH)
Base on Balls
Strikes out swinging
GRAND SLAM HOME RUN

Yes, that's right -- the #9 hitter closed out Pepe's quick night with the grand salami. An auspicious, or should we say suspicious, debut!

Things got even more weird the following night, when Piranhas Manager Luke Mayfield decided to start the #3 pitcher, rookie Mahad 'Furball' Einan, and bypassed the #2 pitcher, Grellan Profit. This was curious indeed, and no one seemed to understand why it had happened. Some folks quickly spread unfounded rumors that Profit had slept with Mayfield's wife, and Mayfield benched him in retribution. While we doubt there's any truth to that, we're happy to reprint the rumor here!

But there's more -- in the post game press conference, Mayfield said he had been under orders to skip Profit. This made the matter even more mysterious, so we talked to sources in the front office -- and discovered the bizarre truth!

It turns out that an official from the Libyan Ministry of Finance was watching Jaramilo's debacle of a debut and decided to get snarky on Twitter. "This starting rotation is so bad," the official tweeted, "they deserve non-profit status because they're a charity case." According to our sources, Mayfield saw the tweet and thought it was an official government decree and that Libyan officials wanted Profit benched. So benched he was!

This too seems far-fetched, but our sources insist this is the true story. Whatever the reason, GM Mike Dunn has forced Mayfield to start the well-rested Profit in tonight's game, government decree or infidelity notwithstanding. We'll be watching to see if Mayfield complies.

As for Pepe, his second outing -- on short rest -- proved better. He lasted until the 6th and gave up only one earned run. Thus, his ERA dropped from 216.00 to a slightly less laughable 14.29. We hope that trend continues, and we hope the team recovers from a most bizarre season start.

[RichY]

Good stuff. I like the narrative you created around that missed start. The good news is we get to play each other this week so one of us will feel better at least. Also, good job on the UMEBA for Dummies.

[allenciox]

tylertoo, I want to apologize for my team's gloating on the sidelines of that first game. I personally had nothing to do with their chants of "Pepe Le Pew" while they held their noses. It was very unprofessional of them and I gave them a good talking-to after the game.

[tylertoo]

tylertoo, I want to apologize for my team's gloating on the sidelines of that first game. I personally had nothing to do with their chants of "Pepe Le Pew" while they held their noses. It was very unprofessional of them and I gave them a good talking-to after the game.

Fortunately I can't imagine my team being so desperate that they would post photos of your team's actions in the club house as motivation. No, not one bit.