Tripoli, June 16, 2044 -When we stopped by for a chat with Generals third baseman Michael Best, we found he was, quite literally, resting on his laurels.
"My hemorrhoids flared up again this past week and since the Generals seem unable to sign a team doctor, I went to a downtown Tripoli open air market looking for some sort of homeopathic remedy. Trust me, trying to convey this particular problem when I don't speak Arabic wasn't easy, and one vendor wanted to have me arrested. But eventually I found an herbalist who suggested I spend hours sitting butt naked on branches from native laurel bushes."
The issue didn't seem to hurt Best where he is at his best: at the plate. He was just named the Player of the Week in the Bancroft League, after hitting .400, with four dingers and 6 RBIs in 30 at bats. Still, we asked, does the odd treatment help down below?
"Absolutely. At first it was a pain in the ass, no pun intended, but in a short time I found it actually does work. I highly recommend it to anyone. Far easier than the usual method."
With that problem, ahem, behind him, Michael Best spent the next hour reflecting on the baseball journey that took this once highly touted prospect to the shores of north Africa.
Not phased by criticism
or hemorrhoids
It was in Long Beach that Best finally found some stability, spending seven seasons with the club, a run that included three playoff appearances. Best was hailed as the best when he was named MVP of the 2037 MBBA All-Star Game. "I loved my time in Long Beach. Fans are great, great ownership. But, in sports, it rarely lasts forever."
Best's Long Beach tenure ended in 2042 when the club, suffering through a rebuild year that eventually led to more than 100 losses, traded the soon-to-be free agent to the contending Nashville Bluebirds. The 'birds playoffs hopes fell short, Best walked as a free agent, and his time in the Brewster had come to a close.
"Part of me was ready to hang up my cleats, to be honest," Best admits now, shifting the branches under his bare buttocks. "I had a wife and young kids. But I knew he had more baseball left in me."
So Best headed east, to the rich oil nations that field teams in the Unified Middle East Baseball Association. Even this phase of Best's career has led to team-hopping. He originally signed a 3-year, $21 million deal with the C.S.K.A Army, but when that team folded, it was off to Bahrain after the Manama Pearls picked up his deal. And finally -- his current resting stop, when the Pearls shipped him to Tripoli for some prospects prior to the arrival of the new Generals GM, Mike Dunn.
Sources close to Dunn indicate he wishes the prior management hadn't done that. "Best sells tickets, but the price was too steep. We are rebuilding team, and can't afford to ship away our best youngsters."
Best -- now newly divorced -- is not phased by the criticism. "As long as the checks don't bounce, I am happy to contribute." He shifted his branch-covered naked derriere and leaned forward to make a final point. "I'm a millionaire being paid to play a kids game on the shores of Mediterranean. On days off, I lay on the beach and study the latest in bikini fashion. Who am I to complain? This is truly the best life."
Hemorrhoids or not, it is hard to argue.
