[Editor's note: Most of the world, or at least the portion that roots for the Piranhas, was shocked last month to learn that the team had relegated decisions on the UMEBA draft to its clubhouse janitor, Otto Pyck. At the time Pyck refused comment, but perseverance pays off, and Piranha Bites has landed the first-ever world exclusive interview with janitor-turned-draft king Otto Pyck!]
Piranha Bites: Thanks, Otto, for being willing to talk to us. I'm sure you've been flooded with interview requests since you gained notoriety for handling this year's draft.
Otto: Well, I got me an agent now, and he thought it would be like free publicity, if you know what I mean.
PB: Agent? You mean you're not going back to your old job as clubhouse janitor?
Otto: I was never a janitor! That was mis-reported.
Otto made use of his craps dice.
Otto: No. I was a custodial maintenance engineer, third class. BIG difference.
PB: OK, sorry about that. But tell us, Otto, about those moments when you first found out you were going to be drafting for the team. Word is you were cleaning up after a visiting player had vomited.
Otto: True. That was that bastard on the Impalers, Mitch Dalrymple. Don't tell anyone, but he's a freakin' loser drunk. Can't keep his beer down, if you know what I mean.
PB: You know this interview is going to appear on the Piranha Bites website?
Otto: It is? Oh. Well, can you take out his name?
Otto: Ok, I don't care. He's a loser drunk. Ain't the first time he upchucked before a game. You talk to the custodial maintenance engineers in the other UMEBA towns, they'll agree. He's the freakin' worst. I hate that drunk loser bastard.
PB: Ok. Anyway. So you're cleaning up vomit and then what happened?
Otto: Then I get called in to the GM's office! I'm thinkin, shit, what'd I do now? Then I figured it was about the rats in the stadium concourse, they got in to one of the hot dog concessions. But don't tell anyone that. Them rats are bigger than Michael Best's schlong.
Otto: Schlong. You know, his pecker. His big bat. (Leans forward) And I ain't talking about the one made of wood, heh heh, if you know what I mean.
Otto: Word is, Best is the biggest in UMEBA, and from what I've seen, it should be in the Schlong Hall of Fame. Wonder he can even fit into his trousers.
PB: Ok, so, anyway. So you thought you were called in to the GM's office because of the rats?
Otto: Yup. But it wasn't my fault about that vendor serving a dead rat in a bun! He can't tell a rat from a hot dog? Guess he got heavy handed with the mustard and fixin's. I couldn't figure out why I'd get blamed for that!
PB: OK, so you go in to the GM's office, and who's there?
Otto: It's Dunn, the GM, and his assistant, Roberto Núñes, the one who's always leaking shit to reporters about the team, and the manager, Stinson.
Otto: They start asking me about my experience playing fantasy baseball, and I told them also about my Brewster sim league.
PB: Brewster... what?
Otto: Sim league. I'm in a league that is modeled on the real-life Brewster league back in the United States. We use a program called Out of the Park Baseball put out by the same guys who make Madden, AmazonAppleActivision.
PB: Yeah, well, they basically make every piece of software.
Otto: True. Anyway, our sim league is taken from the actual Brewster, except we are already up to the 2092 season. Funny thing is, in our league Yellow Springs still can't win the championship, just like in real life, heh heh. Anyway, I told them about how I am the general manager of Boise in this sim league, and we hold drafts every season, so I was probably the most experienced draft manager that they had!
PB: And they said...?
Otto: They said the 2046 draft in UMEBA had basically no talent, so they didn't want to be bothered, and that they had decided I could handle it. So it was all mine. "No way you can screw this up," Stinson said. And that was that! I went right to work.
PB: Ok, so you take over the draft room at that point. Tell us about your drafting philosophy.
Otto: My drafting philosophy is pretty simple: I choose the players that are gooder than other players. I believe -- and statistics will back me up -- that if you choose mainly the gooder players, your team will eventually be gooder than other teams.
PB: Interesting. Do you ever alter that approach?
Otto: Only once or twice, when the player has a nickname that I like. I always love a good nickname. Like José Serrano is 'Butcher.' What a great name. Makes me think of steak. I love me a good steak, especially prime rib, when it is charred on the outside, but still red in the middle, if you know what I mean. Can't beat that. With a baked potato on the side! Damn fine meal, if you ask me.
PB: (Sighs) I don't think I asked, but thank you. So, are you happy with the results of this draft?
Otto: Absolutely. These are all good kids. One or two might even make it up to Double A one day! Real happy I grabbed 'em.
PB: There was video of you rolling dice in the draft room. Is that accurate?
Otto: Well, for a couple rounds. Sometimes all the players' names just ran together and I got confused and I was on the clock, and I couldn't tell who to go with, so I got out my favorite bones, the ones I use for craps at the casino, and gave 'em a roll! Couldn't hurt, I figured.
PB: Well, we'll know in a few seasons how that worked out. What's next for Otto Pyck? Are you heading back to your job as a custodial... uh...
Otto: Custodial maintenance engineer! And no - I'm not. Like I said, I got me an agent, and we're exploring opportunities. I'm hoping a GM position in the actual Brewster league opens up. After this draft, I am ready, that's for sure.
Otto: (Leans forward) Let me tell you a little secret. (Looks around) This GM shit -- it ain't rocket science. Ain't nothing you or I couldn't handle. Fact is, Brewster GMs are a bunch of scuzzy drunks who wouldn't know a 40-man roster from a shopping list. Most of 'em probably only got their jobs 'cause they have photos of their owners doing it with sheep...
PB: You know, I think we are actually out of time! Otto, I want to thank you for granting us this exclusive interview. I can hardly wait to post in online.
Otto: My pleasure. But I can I just tell you about some of the photos of the Madison Wolves owner that I heard about...
PB: No, thanks, I really have to go.
Otto: Ok, your loss. But just give me a ring when you got some time to be shocked out of your skivvies, if you know what I mean, heh heh!
PB: Will do.