7-For-70: 7 Ways To Stay Healthy For 70 Years

[jleddy]

Most of us have played baseball at some point, or at least participated in sports, so we all know an injury here or there well pop up over the course of a season or career. But nothing can be more infuriating for a player (or his General Manager) when an injury strikes outside the lines of the diamond. Some are stupidly self-inflicted, some are acts of Juan Rivera God, but they're all almost too bizarre to comprehend. So this feature is for BBA players, young and old, to read and heed:

7 WAYS TO STAY HEALTHY FOR 70 YEARS

#7 - DON'T DABBLE IN HOME IMPROVEMENT

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Friday, March 30th, 2040
Mexico City Aztecs: SP Benjamin Charlet was injured while falling off his roof. The Diagnosis: Wrist soreness. This injury keeps him out of action for 2 weeks.

What on earth was Charlet doing on a roof in March? Was he patching up holes in his spring training rental to ensure getting back his security deposit? Or could Aztecs general manager Fred Holmes been involved, given his aversion to roofs? We'll never know.

There have been several other injuries to wannabe Brewster handymen, including when Brooklyn's Ramón Gutiérrez suffered a mild electrical burn on his hand (4/27/22), resulting in just one day out of the line-up. Or when Crusaders shortstop Félix Ávila strained his oblique as the result of falling off a ladder (5/13/39), landing him on the injured list for two weeks. Fellas: less Bob Villa, more Bob van Winkle, okay?


#6 - "ANY MAN PLAYING GRAB-ASS SPENDS A NIGHT IN THE BOX"

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Monday, June 30th, 2025
Birmingham Bandits: SP Amdre Penegate was injured while attempting but missing a high-five with a teammate. The Diagnosis: sprained knee. He's expected to miss about 2 weeks.

I guess Penegate was never taught the "stare at the elbow" tip to perfect high-fives. And how the hell did a botched high-five result in a sprained knee? Pitchers: you can't live with 'em, you can't kill 'em.

Most recently as this season, we saw a prospect go down from playing grab-ass with a teammate when Black Sox pitcher Bill MacGregor sprained his ankle "while racing his teammate during practice." That cute stunt host the young hurler three weeks of recovery. This is the Brewster, gentleman. This is where men are men and where legends are made. If you want to dick around with your teammate, ask for your release and go play in the UMEBA.


#5 - KEEP YOUR HANDS AT TEN AND TWO

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Friday, November 1st, 2024
George Town Islanders: 3B Ángel López was injured while racing his teammate on the highway. The Diagnosis: torn labrum (Shoulder). He's expected to miss about 11 months.

Now the reports aren't specific, but one would have to assume the accident was while racing and driving recklessly. But who knows, maybe López and his teammate were re-enacting Frogger. Either way, athletes and cars have a long history of ending poorly. There was the time Bernardo Sarria of San Antonio strained his oblique after his car skidded off the road due to poor weather conditions (8/26/41), sidelining him for two weeks. Infamously, Hurricanes' first baseman José Zúñiga tried to "pull a Schroeder" and was out for two weeks after suffering a foot injury when his car hit a deer late at night (2/26/2039). California reliever César Ramos only missed seven weeks of action and avoided any suspensions from the Commissioner's Office when he collided with a parked car while drunk, resulting in a herniated disc in his back (11/9/32). Valencia's Marcos Serna went fender-first into a ditch and suffered from post-concussion syndrome for the next ten months (2/19/25). Going back to Rule #7, José Flores, the Calgary second baseman, suffered an "undisclosed injury" after attempting to fix his car (8/7/34). Given the severity of two weeks on the injured list and the lack of details, one may think the rumors of him using a certain body part as a dip stick to check his hot oil are true. Lastly, let's all tip our pine tree air fresheners to Carlos Marino of Montreal who missed two weeks of games after suffering a concussion from a road rage incident (5/22/35). We've all been there, Carlos.


#4 - DON'T FEED THE BEARS (OR SHARKS)

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Monday, February 24th, 2042
Atlantic City Gamblers: RF John Noble was injured when he was attacked by a shark. The Diagnosis: Fractured foot. This injury keeps him out of action for 3 weeks.

Sharks and ballplayers just don't mix, it's just the plain truth. In fact, spending time with animals instead of in the video room watching tape is a good way to get yourself injured. Just ask Boise catcher Allan MacHugh who missed nearly a month after being bit by a poisonous snake (6/23/39) or when Blazers' second baseman Ernie Stauffer went out to play fetch with his dog and came back with a strained back that sidelined him for two weeks (7/6/11). The only league-approved activity with animals is beating the shit out of Jackrabbits.


#3 - 'DON'T STAND SO CLOSE TO ME' BY THE POLICE

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Thursday, June 10th, 2038
Twin Cities River Monsters: RP Travis Arnold was injured running away from the police. The Diagnosis: Foot contusion. This injury keeps him out of action for 2 weeks.

Fuckin' idiot.


#2 - YOU CAN'T CHOOSE YOUR FAMILY

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Saturday, March 18th, 2023
Calgary Marauders: SP Tai sun Shi was injured while punching a wall during a fight with his wife. The Diagnosis: undisclosed injury. He's expected to miss about 10 months.

The BBA's Ike Turner, ladies and gentleman. As sad and embarrasing as that injury is, it's tough to top poor César Rivera. The Valencia pitcher suffered a bruised shoulder (and ego) when his girlfriend beat him up and put him out of action for four days (7/29/21). One-on-one domestic issues look really bad, but Huntsville reliever Javier Liriano was really asking for it when he ended up with a sore shoulder for two weeks after a friendly game of lawn bowling during a family reunion (10/3/25).


#1 - "IT'S THE DARWIN AWARDS CALLING, LINE ONE."

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Wednesday, March 22nd, 2023
Halifax Hawks: SP Mario Ríos was injured after walking into a tree while talking on his cell phone. The Diagnosis: bruised elbow. This is a day-to-day injury expected to last one week.

I'm having trouble figuring out how you bruise your elbow by sticking your head up your ass. Life comes at you pretty fast, eh?
* * * * * I'm going to end this feature on a side-note with a unfortunate but ultimately happy epilogue. The following two examples aren't injuries, but they were medical procedures that resulted in two Brewster players retiring before they could call it quits on their own terms:

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Flores to Donate Kidney to Ailing Cousin
July 1, 2036

Las Vegas left fielder Francisco Flores has decided to retire from baseball in order to donate a kidney to his cousin. Doctors say Flores's cousin, who has advanced kidney disease, probably won't survive without a new organ.

"As much as I love the game of baseball, I love my cousin more," said Flores. "I'm just doing what I would hope someone would do for me if I needed it."

Benjamin Clark had nothing but praise for his teammate.

"Francisco is such an incredible guy. To walk away from all of this to help someone he cares about just shows how much class he has."

His manager, Edward Allen, was equally impressed with Flores's generosity.

"It takes a lot of character to make a sacrifice like that. We wish him and his cousin all the best and we'll definitely be praying for their speedy recovery."

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Gómez to Donate Kidney to Ailing Brother
December 1, 2030

San Antonio starting pitcher Roberto Gómez has decided to retire from baseball in order to donate a kidney to his brother. Doctors say Gómez's brother, who has advanced kidney disease, probably won't survive without a new organ.

"As much as I love the game of baseball, I love my brother more," said Gómez. "I'm just doing what I would hope someone would do for me if I needed it."

Jim Whitacre had nothing but praise for his teammate.

"Roberto is such an incredible guy. To walk away from all of this to help someone he cares about just shows how much class he has."

His manager, Francisco Hernández, was equally impressed with Gómez's generosity.

"It takes a lot of character to make a sacrifice like that. We wish him and his brother all the best and we'll definitely be praying for their speedy recovery."

Look at that...an entire feature about the history of Brewster injuries and I didn't even mention Manuel Aguilar once! Oh, wait. Shit...

[RonCo]

And they say doctors don't matter. And only you can prevent shark attacks ... or we're gonna need a bigger bat ... or, well ... whatever.

[CTBrewCrew]

Your response to #3 is the best - lmao