The Dredge Report | 40.01 | TurmOil in KC

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The Dredge Report | 40.01 | TurmOil in KC

Post by Dington » Wed Apr 01, 2020 7:50 pm

TurmOil in KC
April 7, 2042
by Anonymous
Location Unknown

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Tens of thousands of Kuwaities were overcome with hope when the UMEBA announced plans to add two expansion teams for the 2042 season. Hope turned to joy as UMEBA awarded Kuwait City and Athens franchises within the league. Even quicker than hope had turned to joy, joy turned to confusion. And then to worry. Then to absolute fear.

So what exactly is going on in Kuwait City? Nobody knows for sure, but through verifiable sources, corruption seems to be a major player. Ownership was expected to be awarded to multi-billionaire Kuwaiti sultan, Mahfuz Bassam, however, it appears Cuban expat, Domingo Rivera, was given the reins. This is likely just a formality with the large bounty on Bassam's head after violation international and human labor laws. It is assumed Bassam put Rivera in place for his strong link to Cuban players. Rivera, himself, is under careful watch by Geneva as it is rumored he has been running an illegal prodigy farm in Havana. Former BBA star and current free agent, Carlos Camacho, is among those who have blown the whistle on Rivera. Camacho says:

"Although I was born in USA, many people do not know my family's story immigrating to America. My mother was just 12 years old when Domingo Rivera abducted her in the streets of Havana and forced her into sex trafficking. She was one of many girls forced into a 1960's underground bomb shelter for one thing and one thing only - popping out baseball prodigies. She swore she was rescued by flying eagle of some sort and brought to America."

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Former Cuban dictator, Fidel Caldera loved the game of baseball and needed a new top export as tobacco leaves were quickly drying up. He thought baseball players were a great source to bring money from America and inject it into the Cuban economy. Tensions between the countries remained high and Castro's dream didn't pan out. After his death in 2016, Castro's son Fidelito carried on his father's tradition of baseball love until his son, Tres, would takeover Cuban operations. This is where Rivera comes into play...allegedly. As teenagers, Rivera and Tres Caldera played baseball for the national team. Although only 16 years old, Rivera coerced his way into a player/manager role. It was once rumored that he once used his intimidation factors on league officials to allow him to bat in all 9 spots in the lineup, as well as attempting to play the game on burros, or donkeys. Rivera was not seen again for several years, until his pictures popped up in the Kuwait International Airport. Very little was known about what came of Rivera, but Camacho has his stories.

"Before she took her own life, instead of lullabies, my mother would get me to sleep with stories of her past. Rivera had over a dozen women chained to their cells. Their children were immediately taken from them and placed in a baseball academy. Instead of breast milk, the babies were fed Powerade and Powerbars. Rivera was a sick man. Some people would say the stories would terrorize me later in life, but, luckily, I've turned out pretty normal. In fact, I have several followers who will defend me to their death" Camacho shouted before falling into what appears to be some sort of trance.

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Camacho's past is well-documented, so take his words with a grain of salt. When Rivera took over control of the Alhafr, he appointed Nicholas Kokosioulis as General Manager. Rivera, ever wary, learned of Kokosioulis' ties to Greek franchise, Athens, and their alleged mob boss owner, Niko Papadakis. Rivera was also reportedly unhappy that the Athens franchise was awarded with a mythical beast hybrid mascot, as he wanted to be branded with own idea including a burro and bird. Kokosioulis has not been located for comments.

While the KC Alhafr wandered in darkness for over a week, Kuwaities were left to prayers for a hero to take over their team. Who would be so brave? Enter American, Chad Nason. While little is known about Nason, it appears he represented Bassam in the purchase of his $67 million mansion in Beverly Hills. Alhafr supporters are hopeful Nason can restore hope in KC.

"I've always wanted to run a professional baseball team. I have dedicated my life to the ins and out of baseball on one hand and business strategies on the other. Together, I will use my knowledge to transform the Alhafr from a stray puppy of an organization to a best in show winner. I've got my work cut out for me and there will be plenty of red tape that needs to be torn away, but we will get the job done. There isn't another person in this world brave enough for this challenge, so this job was my destiny. When I was approached to run the Alhafra, I naturally said 'I'll hafta" says Nason.

Immediately upon arriving to KC, Nason took over the reins and began reaching out to free agents. After all, the team was being fielded by a bunch of retired players that were recruited from a beer league. Nason was happy with his initial offers and sent them into the league office for approval. That's when the chaos continued. It appears the league "never received" the papers from Nason, so the team was left without a squad for a second straight week.

Rumors have it the league office secretary has been sleeping with Manama Pearls owner, Lyle Cunningham. While Cunningham is typically a "hand-off" owner, he is pretty "hands-on" in the league office. Neither Cunningham nor the secretary would comment, although Cunningham was last seen at Four Season Hotel Bahrain Bay with multiple bags of luggage and no ring on his finger next to his inaugural championship series ring.

The investigation is underway. It is clear Cunningham didn't realize who he was messing with, but it appears he has made a dangerous enemy. A plane headed to Manama reportedly consisted of Rivera and his henchmen. While there aren't very many high hopes for legitimate victories this year, the season looks to be an exciting documentary one day once everything is chronicled.
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Re: The Dredge Report | 40.01 | TurmOil in KC

Post by RonCo » Wed Apr 01, 2020 8:02 pm

Keystone cops in Kuwait City...

This is going to be fun.
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Re: The Dredge Report | 40.01 | TurmOil in KC

Post by shoeless.db » Wed Apr 01, 2020 8:18 pm

How big exactly is that grain of salt I’m to take with Camacho’s comments?

Frickin’ great start. Nice work.
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Re: The Dredge Report | 40.01 | TurmOil in KC

Post by HoosierVic » Wed Apr 01, 2020 8:24 pm

And Netflix thought the Tiger King was hot stuff. Excellent work. More! More!

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Re: The Dredge Report | 40.01 | TurmOil in KC

Post by CTBrewCrew » Wed Apr 01, 2020 8:54 pm

F$#%#ING CAROLE BASKINS!!!
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Re: The Dredge Report | 40.01 | TurmOil in KC

Post by Fat Nige » Wed Apr 01, 2020 10:07 pm

Brilliant stuff !
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Re: The Dredge Report | 40.01 | TurmOil in KC

Post by jleddy » Thu Apr 02, 2020 5:18 pm

Nicely done...great name, too!
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Re: The Dredge Report | 40.01 | TurmOil in KC

Post by tallywood » Thu Apr 02, 2020 7:43 pm

Neither Cunningham nor the secretary would comment, although Cunningham was last seen at Four Season Hotel Bahrain Bay with multiple bags of luggage and no ring on his finger next to his inaugural championship series ring.
Quick excerpt from the local Manama papers:

When asked about this allegation, The Manama Pearls Twitter account and GM have both responded with, "We're on to Cincinnati."

We still don't know what Cincinnati is, but a quick Google search told us that it is a city in the United States of America. We think this might be cryptic, or a code word that the locker room has come up with, but we will investigate further.
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Re: The Dredge Report | 40.01 | TurmOil in KC

Post by Dington » Fri Apr 03, 2020 2:28 pm

tallywood wrote:
Thu Apr 02, 2020 7:43 pm
"We're on to Cincinnati."

:lol:
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Re: The Dredge Report | 40.01 | TurmOil in KC

Post by Clayman » Fri Apr 03, 2020 3:47 pm

I went after Camacho but he didn't like my manager, nice read.
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Re: The Dredge Report | 40.01 | TurmOil in KC

Post by Dington » Fri Apr 03, 2020 3:54 pm

Clayman wrote:
Fri Apr 03, 2020 3:47 pm
I went after Camacho but he didn't like my manager, nice read.
You think Camacho is gonna land anywhere near the UMEBA and within airstrike of Rivera?!? If you had signed him, could have ended in a tragic plane "accident" with your whole team on board.
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Re: The Dredge Report | 40.01 | TurmOil in KC

Post by Clayman » Fri Apr 03, 2020 4:06 pm

Dington wrote:
Fri Apr 03, 2020 3:54 pm
Clayman wrote:
Fri Apr 03, 2020 3:47 pm
I went after Camacho but he didn't like my manager, nice read.
You think Camacho is gonna land anywhere near the UMEBA and within airstrike of Rivera?!? If you had signed him, could have ended in a tragic plane "accident" with your whole team on board.
:D I love a sob story though, don't tell anyone for a split second I had thoughts of firing my manager :cool:
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Re: The Dredge Report | 40.01 | TurmOil in KC

Post by Dington » Fri Apr 03, 2020 4:10 pm

Clayman wrote:
Fri Apr 03, 2020 4:06 pm
Dington wrote:
Fri Apr 03, 2020 3:54 pm
Clayman wrote:
Fri Apr 03, 2020 3:47 pm
I went after Camacho but he didn't like my manager, nice read.
You think Camacho is gonna land anywhere near the UMEBA and within airstrike of Rivera?!? If you had signed him, could have ended in a tragic plane "accident" with your whole team on board.
:D I love a sob story though, don't tell anyone for a split second I had thoughts of firing my manager :cool:
I'm sure your owner Papa-capinhisass wouldn't have a problem getting rid of the problem for you
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Re: The Dredge Report | 40.01 | TurmOil in KC

Post by hetz23 » Fri Feb 12, 2021 1:39 am

Great stuff! Thanks for linking me to this.

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