The Lair Report: 2038.02 – New GM Uncovers Team Notes
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The Lair Report: 2038.02 – New GM Uncovers Team Notes
My first day as General Manager of the Balauri has been eventful, to say the least. After taking a red-eye flight into Romania, I was greeted on the tarmac of the Bucharest International Airport by the team owner, the Assistant to the Mayor of Bucharest, Mihail "the Mad Dog" Andreescu of Total Sport FM and Simona Lugosi (third-runner up in the 2031 Miss Romania pageant). I was then escorted past a small but fiery group of Pro-Lemur supporters and I made my way to my courtesy car, a 2012 hatchback Renault (with tape deck!), and drove to the team offices where I found my office being remodeled. Technically, it was getting sprayed for termites and a window was being replaced from being smashed by an angry fan last month, but nonetheless, I appreciated the improvements. Team officials have yet to provide me access to the team's scouting reports but I was able to grab a cardboard box filled with notecards, Post-Its and scraps of paper before being ushered out of the building by the exterminator.
I headed to the Hard Rock Cafe in Bucharest with box in-tow and settled into a corner booth. The following is compiled from the contents of the box left behind by the former team GM:
"Juan Valenzuela, RP - dynamite curveball and screwball...less control than a unicycle on oiled ice...needs to work on movement...if all else fails, could make for great batting practice pitcher"
"Artie Brooks, C - reports from team scouts: 'Dumitru Prunea - can't hit,' 'Petre Ilionescu - poor runner, liability on basepaths,' 'Adam Ioveanu - awful defense'"
"Edgardo Pagán, 2B - what a glove!...has best power on the team...legit card-counter, hence "Black Jack" nickname (take to Palace Casino on next off-day)...moves slower than a grocery store pharmacy...enforce 20 leu fine every time he brings up hitting 26 home runs for Jacksonville in the BBA back in 2033...find out conversion rate of dollar to leu"
"Miguel Jiménez, SP - one of hardest throwers in UMEBA...pinpoint control...why is he so [expletive] bad?"
"Carlos Sandoval, OF - arguably the best Balauri player...elite corner outfield defense, plus speed...look to swap out his bats with corked ones, it's his only hope for power...hardly strikes out, so there's that...assistant GM looking to acquire birth certificate from Venezuela government, there is no way this guy is 27...wouldn't be surprised if he's 35"
"Roberto Ramírez, 2B - three weeks into hypnosis therapy and Robby still insists on switch hitting...work-in-progress is understatement of the year"
"Terence Wolthuis, RP - has technically two pitches but has one of the worst change-ups I've ever seen in my years of professional baseball...deduct 650 leu from next paycheck for all the balls we've lost over the fence from when this guy pitches"
"Matt Brear, 1B - one of few players under 30 so let's see if we can try and to ship him off to BBA...on-pace for 30 HR which would result in bonus...have team trainer diagnose with bogus injury to shelve him for a few weeks"
"Juan Ramos, LF - talented player that fails to live up to expectations...listed at 235 pounds but approaching 250+ after spending more time in spring at Romanian bakeries than the batting cage...schedule try-out with Liga Națională as Juan is probably best suited at power forward than a baseball player"
"George House, SP - keeps bragging about his high intelligence but is still on same New York Times crossword puzzle since spring training...as good as he's been this year, don't hesitate to remind him he lead the BBA in loses (17) in 2034 and knock him down a few notches"
As you can see, it's quite a motley crew here in Bucharest but I'm looking forward to shaping this club, once local health officials give me the okay it's safe to return to the team facilities.
"My $#!? doesn't work in the playoffs." - Billy Beane Joe Lederer
- shoeless.db
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Re: The Lair Report: 2038.02 – New GM Uncovers Team Notes
Hyponsis therapy had me spit out the water I was drinking. Thanks for sharing some of your team notes with me. I look forward to using this analysis in my upcoming trade offers.
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- jiminyhopkins
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Re: The Lair Report: 2038.02 – New GM Uncovers Team Notes
I actually traded for George House once.
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