The Lair Report: 2038.01 – Unrest in Bucharest Leads to New Baseball GM

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The Lair Report: 2038.01 – Unrest in Bucharest Leads to New Baseball GM

Post by jleddy » Wed May 29, 2019 12:27 am

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In a recent survey, Romanian citizens were asked the biggest issues facing the country in 2038. "Stray dog population" was the overwhelming top complaint at 62%, but finishing second (14%) was the recent failure of the city's local professional baseball team, the Bucharest Balauri of the Unified Middle Eastern Baseball Association. 'Traffic congestion' (10%) and 'tap water quality' (9%) rounded out the pressing issues raised in the poll.

In response to the survey, Balauri team officials quickly made the decision to terminate the contract of General Manager Zach Cohen and sign veteran baseball executive Joe Lederer of the United States. Lederer, 59, has spent the last few decades taking over reclamation projects similar to that of the Balauri: Kansas City Royals (Great OOTP Association), Long Beach Schooners (Federal Baseball League), Hoth Fighting Wampas (Online Galactic League) and most recently the Baltimore Orioles (American Pastime Baseball Association).

With Bucharest finishing the season at 75-87 and missing the UMEBA playoffs for a second straight year, Lederer will take the next few days to travel to Romania and settle into his new role. Here is the full transcript from General Manager Joe Lederer's introductory press conference via phone call:

Florin Dobre, Director of Public Relations: "Before we talk about yesterday's regular season-ending victory, I'd like to talk about today and tomorrow for the Balauri. There is no better way to do that than to introduce the club's newest General Manager, Mr. Joe Lederer."

Joe Lederer: "Thank you, Florin. Hello everyone! I have to be honest, I haven't been this nervous or this excited in my career as a baseball executive. I'd like to first thank the ownership in offering me this job. I'm thrilled to be a part of such a new league in the UMEBA and to be able to shape the Bucharest Balauri into the championship-worthy club I believe they can eventually be. I tend to let the product on the diamond speak for me, but since you've all gathered on this call, I'll open it up to any questions."

Marisa Moraru, Romania Right Now: "Joe, what will be the first items you plan to address with turning this team around?"

Lederer: "Well, I'm working on getting a work visa and I'll spend most of the UMEBA playoffs getting settled in Bucharest. I understand the previous General Manager was absentee and there's a lot to fix. It will be a very busy off-season for us. In addition to overseeing the Balauri, I'm also in control of the farm teams in in Luanda and Jakarta. I anticipate spending a lot of time reviewing the scouting reports and financials across the entire organization to be able to put us in a good position for 2039. Aside from that, I can officially announce the first order of business for the club is the restriction of lemurs in the stadium, practice facility and clubhouse. Bucharest will be a lemur-free zone. I don't want to see what happened to that nine-year old girl to ever happen to a fan again under my leadership."

Constantin Ionescu, Bucharest Daily Eagle: "Mr. Lederer, what is your familiarity with the city of Bucharest and do you fear any culture shock?"

Lederer: "Honestly, my understanding and knowledge of Bucharest is limited. I was told not to drink the tap water and I understand there is a stray dog problem across the country. That aside, I once had a torrid long-distance relationship with a Romanian cam model, so I know some of the language, like "Îți poți pune picioarele în spatele capului tău?" I hope I said that right. Also, the late, great Ilie Năstase and I hung out a few times several years back whenever he'd visit the United States...I believe it was the time between his second and third wives."

Gheorghe Muntean, Sport One Romania: "Is it true you were forced to resign from the Hoth Fighting Wampas in 2015 due to placing bets on your team and violating the league's gambling policy?"

Lederer: "Yes, but I only put money on our team to win...is that really a crime? Anyways, I learned my lesson. Listen, I'd rather not discuss that any more, it was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. I'm here today to talk about our ball club."

Moraru: "What is your goal in the first year of running the Balauri?"

Lederer: "I need to quickly understand this team from top to bottom. I raised several questions with ownership during contract negotiations and I'm sure I'll have many more but once I'm settled in, I look to take on this job with a full head of steam."

Moraru: "What where those questions?"

Lederer: "Without discussing too much, I wanted to know more about the team chemistry, as I noticed we have both an Ángel and a Pagán on the roster. I try to keep religion, politics and the meaning of the ending of 'The Sopranos' off-limits in the clubhouse...some topics are just toxic. I just find the guys bond together like a family when they only talk about baseball and their sexual conquests. I also had some concerns about the logistics of putting six people into the Vladdy the Golden Dragon mascot costume..I think we can use our resources better. Lastly, I wanted clarification that 'balauri' is in fact the plural of 'balaur'. Look, I'm not exactly well versed in plural nouns with Latin roots. My native tongue is the language of baseball."

Ionescu: "Why did ownership only extend to you a one-year contract?"

Lederer: "I'm going to be frank here. When my agent told me a club from the UMEBA was interested in my services, the first thing I asked him was "Do you think this is an opportunity to finally get into the Brewster Baseball Association"? It's every General Manager's dream to be a part of the best league in the world. I plan on giving it my all in 2039 and turning Bucharest around. If that leads to something larger, like a job in the BBA, so be it. But don't for one second think I'm not going to do my very best to make this a respectable and competitive organization"

Dobre: "Okay, that's all the time that Joe has today. He's got a lot he still needs to do and we want him to start right away. Thank you everyone for joining us today in what is a major moment in the short history of the Bucharest Baseball Club."

Lederer: "Go Balaurs, I mean Balauri!"
"My $#!? doesn't work in the playoffs." - Billy Beane Joe Lederer

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Re: The Lair Report: 2038.01 – UNREST IN BUCHAREST LEADS TO NEW BASEBALL GM

Post by RonCo » Wed May 29, 2019 12:44 am

One day in the job and he's already in second place behind stay dogs.
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Re: The Lair Report: 2038.01 – UNREST IN BUCHAREST LEADS TO NEW BASEBALL GM

Post by RonCo » Wed May 29, 2019 12:45 am

Love the news name, btw.
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Re: The Lair Report: 2038.01 – UNREST IN BUCHAREST LEADS TO NEW BASEBALL GM

Post by HoosierVic » Wed May 29, 2019 2:32 am

Good luck getting a handle on that lemur issue. Personally, I blame the 9-year-old girl - I hear she was juiced up on tap water. A duly epic beginning - well done, sir!

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Re: The Lair Report: 2038.01 – UNREST IN BUCHAREST LEADS TO NEW BASEBALL GM

Post by usnspecialist » Wed May 29, 2019 3:18 am

Very nice start
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Re: The Lair Report: 2038.01 – UNREST IN BUCHAREST LEADS TO NEW BASEBALL GM

Post by shoeless.db » Thu May 30, 2019 2:12 pm

Nicely done. I pity the poor fool who has to contribute his first Team News report after this gem.
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