Dragon Questions - Trial Edition

[stormfall]

I would like to apologize on behalf of the Bucharest Balauri for not being able to provide another edition of Dragon Questions over the last two weeks. We were extremely busy hunting for loopholes before the trial, and I was told by many people - including our assistant GM, our closer, one of our vendors, many of our fans, and a random street mime - that saying anything before the trial would only hurt the team’s case. We’ll cover the arbitration and free agency processes, catch up on some unanswered questions, and talk about my constant struggle to run a professional organization next week, but this week is dedicated to the fans who have been demanding information about the trial ever since Vladdy began to breathe fire. Through a long process which was painful in all the wrong places, the Balauri have procured an actual transcript of the proceedings. We may not have it acted out by a team of clowns on horseback (which of course we would have done if the league hadn’t stepped in), but we have it available in printed form for your reading pleasure. Except for all that legal nonsense.

The People vs. Vladdy the Golden Dragon
September 28, 2037

Judge Roman Murescu: ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORD-thank you.
We are gathered here today for the trials of multiple members of the Bucharest Balauri.

Ephrem Lacchelo: OBJECTION!

Zach Cohen: Come on Ephrem, we talked about this. You’ve been bingeing Law and Order again, haven’t you?
I knew it. My apologies, Your Honor. Please continue.

Murescu: “Big Vlad”: You stand before the court charged with arson and attempted murder.

Big Vlad: He had it coming.

Murescu: “Little Vlad”: You stand before the court charged with assault and stealing both a suit of armor and a horse.

Little Vlad: He deserved it.

Murescu: “Promotional Director”: You stand before the court charged with gross negligence and destruction of property.

Promotional Director: My bad...

Murescu: And you - “Notzach Cohen”: You stand before the court charged with crimes against the league.

Zach Cohen: Why does everyone else get charged with something cool?

Murescu: And unlicensed import of a lemur.

Cohen: I told you, he was being moved for conservation purposes. I only called him an emotional support lemur so Customs would stop asking so many questions-

Murescu: I do not care what kind of a lemur it is! It is an illegal lemur, and it is holding my gavel and perched above your players at the other end of the courtroom!

Cohen: Okay... Derek? Derek, come down from there.. You need to give the judge his stuff back, Derek... Give the judge his gavel before he locks both of us up... Derek-
Okay, which one of you taught Derek that hand signal?
I don’t care who did it, but you better tell me before we start arbitration hearings...

Lacchelo: Innocent until proven guilty!

Cohen: Didn’t I just tell you-

Murescu: That is enough! Mr. Cohen, you will now take the stand.

Cohen: Wait a minute - that prosecutor used to be the minder for our promotional director! He was hired by the league! Isn’t that a conflict of-

Murescu: Overruled.

Cohen: I’m not finished obj-

Murescu: OVERRULED.

Lacchelo: If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit!

Cohen: Ephrem...

Murescu: SILENCE! If I hear one more word out of either of you, you will be charged with contempt of court!

Lacchelo: I have the right to remain silent!

Murescu: All right, that’s it! Please remove this man from the courtroom!

Lacchelo: I have the right to a lawyer! If I cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for me - AACK -

Murescu: I have lost my patience for this court case! You have doomed yourselves to my harshest verdict! Why, there’s even a precedent to- to-

Cohen: To what, your Honor?

Murescu: All right, there is no precedent...

Cohen: Then why not let a jury of my peers decide?

Murescu: Very well. I see no reason why their verdict should be any kinder.

Juror #1: We already have a verdict in mind, Your Honor.

Murescu: This is ridiculous! I can’t allow a public jury to issue a verdict with no debate or-
Fine. You may declare your public opinion. Then, finally, we shall put an end to this nightmare trial. What, then, is your verdict?

Juror #1: Not guilty.

Juror #2: Not guilty.

Juror #3, Juror #4: Definitely not guilty.

Murescu: What the-

Juror #5: Not a great GM... but not guilty, either.

Juror #6, Juror #7: Also not guilty.

Murescu: Wait a second...

Juror #8: Not guilty.

Murescu: You know the defendant from somewhere...

Juror #9, Juror #10, Juror #11, Juror #12: Not guilty.

Murescu: You all play for the Bucharest Balauri, don’t you?

Juror #8: Not anymore. They’re not renewing my contract-

Murescu: I don’t believe this! This is the worst breach of justice I’ve ever seen in my 26 days on the bar! I’m calling a recess to figure out what’s going on - oh, who am I kidding? I can’t handle this chaos for another minute! Case dismissed!
AND GET THAT LEMUR BACK HERE WITH MY GLASSES!

Even if the case had continued, this was all that could have been transcribed - Derek then started removing individual typewriter keys and throwing them into the jury box. We may have escaped with no legal repercussions, but the league took some action of its own - they have placed a moratorium on all promotions for the current offseason, with the potential to renegotiate when the BBA begins play in March. They even tried to transfer me to Hawai’i, but even an additional $250,000 couldn’t make me worth it for the Tropics or the rest of the BBA. We’ll probably never know how the “jury of my peers” ended up consisting of 12 Balauri players, but I do remember mentioning it to our promotional director in passing during his one phone call. Normal service with Dragon Questions will resume next week, although the Balauri staff will be sequestered deep in the Carpathian Mountains for the next few weeks until some of the media coverage blows over. Until then, please continue to send any and all messages to the Ballpark of Bucharest - we will have all offseason to answer them. We look forward to putting this trial behind us and continuing our positive relationship with the people of Romania, or as we would one day like to call it, Balauri Nation.

[bschr682]

I knew that lemur was trouble...