Hammer Time 2045.5- The Curse of the Lenoirs
Posted: Sat Jan 02, 2021 11:21 am
As Chaim once said, “Well, we may always suck, but we don’t always suck with the same players”.
Roster churn has become a way of life in Jerusalem, and sometimes it seems like much of my day is spent telling players that they’ve been involved in some sort of player movement. Having a shred of humanity left, I try to make sure that they hear it from me personally, even if it’s just a waiver situation where they may very well end up staying with the club.
Today was going to be one of the tough ones. Youp Lenoir had been counted on to be a team mainstay, and had been rewarded by me with a fat contract. However, in each of the past two seasons he had shed fifty points off his batting average and was now hovering dangerously close to the dreaded Mendoza Line. When I called him into my office he had to know something was up. I was almost hoping he’d call me an SOB and stalk out; that’s better than the kind that just get sad.
“Youp”, I began, “I’m sorry to say that we’ve put you on waivers. You know how this works; another team might sign you, or if not you could very well be back here. But if you’re back, it will be as a reserve; Danny Glatz is hitting .345 in AAA and I need to make a spot for him. Again, I’m sorry.”
A large tear formed in his left eye and trickled down his cheek. “I too am sorry, Mr. Ruiz- I know I have not done well for you these last months.” He paused and choked back a sob. “It is the curse of the Lenoirs. It has finally struck me. My grandpere had it, my pere had it, and now I have it.” Stress was making him lapse into his native French.
“A curse?” Is there something I can do?”
“Mais non… It is….” He looked down embarrassedly, “les hemorrhoids”…
“Hemorrhoids??? You’ve had hemorrhoids for two years???”
“Oui. And such hemorrhoids… Like muscat grapes! Sacre bleu… the itching… the burning… the difficulty in making le merde! The doctors try, but there is only so much they can do. Excuse me; I must go compose myself. Again, I am sorry for my performance and I shall try to do better if I return here.” He rose and left the room; for the first time I noticed that he was walking a little differently.
Well, I suppose it just goes to show you; you can be making five million dollars a year, but without your health, life is just a pain in the butt…
Roster churn has become a way of life in Jerusalem, and sometimes it seems like much of my day is spent telling players that they’ve been involved in some sort of player movement. Having a shred of humanity left, I try to make sure that they hear it from me personally, even if it’s just a waiver situation where they may very well end up staying with the club.
Today was going to be one of the tough ones. Youp Lenoir had been counted on to be a team mainstay, and had been rewarded by me with a fat contract. However, in each of the past two seasons he had shed fifty points off his batting average and was now hovering dangerously close to the dreaded Mendoza Line. When I called him into my office he had to know something was up. I was almost hoping he’d call me an SOB and stalk out; that’s better than the kind that just get sad.
“Youp”, I began, “I’m sorry to say that we’ve put you on waivers. You know how this works; another team might sign you, or if not you could very well be back here. But if you’re back, it will be as a reserve; Danny Glatz is hitting .345 in AAA and I need to make a spot for him. Again, I’m sorry.”
A large tear formed in his left eye and trickled down his cheek. “I too am sorry, Mr. Ruiz- I know I have not done well for you these last months.” He paused and choked back a sob. “It is the curse of the Lenoirs. It has finally struck me. My grandpere had it, my pere had it, and now I have it.” Stress was making him lapse into his native French.
“A curse?” Is there something I can do?”
“Mais non… It is….” He looked down embarrassedly, “les hemorrhoids”…
“Hemorrhoids??? You’ve had hemorrhoids for two years???”
“Oui. And such hemorrhoids… Like muscat grapes! Sacre bleu… the itching… the burning… the difficulty in making le merde! The doctors try, but there is only so much they can do. Excuse me; I must go compose myself. Again, I am sorry for my performance and I shall try to do better if I return here.” He rose and left the room; for the first time I noticed that he was walking a little differently.
Well, I suppose it just goes to show you; you can be making five million dollars a year, but without your health, life is just a pain in the butt…
