57.01 Enigmatic Hammers GM Breaks Vow of Silence, Fires Entire Staff

[drzachary]

(Filed by Haaretz Assistant Junior Sports Intern Shlomo Zelig, March 31, 2057, in Jerusalem, Israel-Palestine.)

Jubilation turned to dismay this week as the victory parade for the defending GBC Championship by Denny's & Marko Worldwide trophy winners came to an abrupt and jarring conclusion.

Cheered on by dozens of Hammer faithful, the three colorful parade floats made their way to the vacant stage at the end of the route along Ben Yehuda Street, the ecstatic players crammed aboard the lead vehicle, followed by the staff and a smaller, spartan float with one passenger, the smiling General Manager, two years into his vow of silence. The small but exuberant crowd applauded as the players' float parked by the dais and began to climb to the stage, but then fell silent as the staff vehicle made a sudden left turn, began to gain speed, and hurtled away from the downtown triangle and beyond the city limits. The confused Hebrew Hammers parted like the Red Sea to allow their GM, Zachary Moore-Smith, to reach the microphone, which he brisky tapped, then cleared his throat.

"Baseball alone moves the wheels of history!"

Moore-Smith shouted this slogan to a gobsmacked audience, his voice croaking with rust from twenty-four months of disuse. The utterly astonished players blinked as a cloud of confetti launched from an ill-timed cannon. Veteran third baseman Nicolai Reshetkov leaned forward and whispered a question to his general manager.

"Our victorious organization forges its steel in the crucible of a new Exodus," Moore-Smith droned into the microphone. "Our staff and many of our players have grown fat and lazy, content to sit upon the laurels of a championship won through hard-fought labor of months past. This is unacceptable. That is why the entire array of coaches, trainers and managers, from the GBC down to Rookie ball, have been sacked. And several of your comrades on the field have joined them in exile."

Forced out were several players key to the Hebrew Hammers championship run.

Bullpen stalwarts Stan Smit and Francisco Hernandez had been unceremoniously shipped out, and it seemed that even beloved Rule V acquisition Nick Sneddon could not escape the GM's wrath, banished to the outfield of the Johannesburg AAA affiliate.

A sudden boom and a burst of violet smoke blanketed the stage, and when the haze cleared, Zachary Moore-Smith was nowhere to be seen.

Speaking later with Manager Rick Peterson, one of the few to avoid the employment massacre, he painted a picture of a grim but hopeful clubhouse. Peterson expects strong returns from fire-hurling promoted minor leaguers Dileep Mirchandani and Benjamin MacCambridge, who have taken over the lockers (and roles) of closer and primary setup men, the aforementioned Hernandez and Smit. Equally under the microscope is free agent acquisition António Román, signed to bolster a crowded outfield and designated hitter spot in the lineup.

According to Peterson, rookie corner outfielder Rajko Lovre welcomes the competition, sharing in Moore-Smith's white-hot fanaticism.

An anonymous source paints a different picture, however.

According to an ex-staffer who refused to be named, Moore-Smith is hardly as invested in the standards he so theatrically has imposed upon the squad. While it cannot yet be verified, it appears as though the mass exodus from the organization stems from the GM simply forgetting to extend their contracts.

More information as it develops, and as always --

Next Year In Jerusalem!
לשנה הבאה בירושלים

[recte44]

It was worth the wait @drzachary

[drzachary]

Had to dunk on myself a little for being so quiet. Now to keep the momentum!

[Dington]

"Baseball alone moves the wheels of history!"

Not sure if Dwight or Mussolini...

[chicoruiz]

Hmmm… I’m going to have to start doing a better job of keeping up with GBC team news posts if they’re as good as this one…

[R.Umali]

"Baseball alone moves the wheels of history!"

Not sure if Dwight or Mussolini...

Could be Chairman Mao.

This is hilarious. Love the language!