This is GM Vic Caleca, and this is voice memo #2:
You've gotta begin with the pitching, because while the hitting is demonstrably bad, that pitching staff actually tears a hole in the space/time continuum, reaches in and pulls out an entire new dimension of suck.
So, yeah. Less than optimal.
The staff ace, the starter we look to when we need to shut down the other team and snap a losing streak … the guy who leads the team in ERA, FIP, and all those other critical categories: Lucan Calazzo, 6.95 ERA, 5.65 FIP, 1.6 Command Ratio.
Anywhere else, you’d be shipping Calazzo’s butt back to the deepest reaches of the minors or typing up a shiny pink release slip.
But not here. He’s the best we’ve got.
The rest of the starting “rotation:” Martín Díaz, 7.20 ERA; Abbah bin Wajih, 9.26 ERA; Will Townsley, 8.36 ERA; Hashim Fahad, 7.99 ERA.
I’d go through the bullpen, but remember – this was the team with only three relievers. So that no doubt accounts for some of these ERAs. If you’re tired or in trouble, there’s hardly anyone to come in and take over.
And those few we do have, well, trust me. You don't 'em taking over. The closer is a guy named Waggoner Knecht, German fella out of Leipzig. His ERA: 13.22. He’s averaging 5.5 K’s per 9 innings … and 9.9 walks.
My head hurts.
I am taking steps towards reinforcements, though – I demoted a guy from our AAA club in Lagos to help out: Claudio Gámez. He’s in a full-out pout down there now, but man up, kid. Eat a couple bowls of pho and go get ‘em.
Also, I’ve got offers out to 21 free agents. All but a couple said, at first blush, they have no interest in playing for our organization. But I offered ‘em all minor league deals, anyway. Who knows? Maybe someone will have a significant brain bleed and give us a nibble.
If not, keep warmed up, Claudio. You’re gonna get plenty of work.
The offense? Not good, but more along the lines of mediocrity you’d seen before. Not inter-dimensional rift bad.
So, how’s our plucky band of Ho Chi Minh City Explorers doing? Rising above the morass and persevering?
Nah, they’re blowing chunks: 6-27 and already 22 games back. I'd fire the manager, but why should he get off easy?
Sigh.
Where’d I put that damn bourbon?
[End recording]